Irritated; grumpy, always moaning ...

alias*alibi

Well things came to a head last week. After several things that raised my stress levels and my manager being less than sympathetic i got signed off sick for work related stress and anxiety for a week. Fit note is up on Thursday but already I'm thinking I can't face going back. This period of 'work related stress' will no doubt go against me as I can't do anything right. My Dr suggested emailing the HR dept and advise I've been signed off with work related stress and give a few examples of what has caused it. He suggests asking them to arrange a meeting to discuss the issues but last time something similar happened in September last year I felt ganged up on and my manager and his line manager talked about me as if I wasn't sat in the same room. The only way I'd agree to another meeting would be with a union rep.

All I know is that i can't take much more; work is making me ill (not the work per se but the people and their expectations) and I can't face it anymore. I advised my manager at the beginning of the week I was getting stressed again and trying to keep a lid on it and their response was 'good idea'. When I asked what that meant they replied with 'well you know what happens, you have a wobble'. And apparently the straw the broke the camels back for me last week according to my manager 'is life but not everyone goes into a tailspin like you do and I need you in work so just get in ASAP'.

Any advice on where I go for here? I'm worried the stress will bring on a stomach problem I had a couple of years ago that rendered me quite ill at times.

paulineb_2

All I can say is having suffered from work related stress for a long time, no job is worth your health, mine suffered really badly and I ended up changing career. I wouldnt email your work telling them examples of whats caused this. Id speak to a union rep first and it might be that you may have to go down the grievance route, I do know that is also stressful.

Are HR supportive? Id also look at ACAS codes of conduct on grievance and bullying and harassment at work, just for your information.

People dont understand what work related stress is until youve been through it, ordering someone into work who isnt well enough to be there really isnt on.

Does your company have an occupational health department as well?
Employee counselling service?

alias*alibi

Yes both OHU and employee counselling but I don't really want to go down that route because I don't think it's me that needs counselling but a change in management attitude. Like I said a couple of weeks ago ; I get paid 2 grades lower than a colleague for doing virtually the same work but my manager finds all sorts of reasons for not doing a reassessment of my job. I'm on a paltry wage; I did my NVQ 4 in business and administration to progress a few years ago but have actually gone backwards. My manager also had a dig about my inflexibility to come in earlier/stay later/do longer hours which he knows I have no desire to do as I have an 8 year old daughter; I just do my contracted hours as I'm either doing school drop off one week or school club pick up the next so I can't/won't change my hours as my family comes first and always will. This was 'noted' in my appraisal!!! I earn £18k; my manager must be on £45k+. It's a joke.

ali-t

Work related stress won't get fixed in a week, get your doctor to sign you off for longer the next time you go back.

I was off for 2 months a number of years ago due to work based stress as a result of bullying in the workplace and a really horrible working environment (those who didn't end up going off sick had taken grievences out against management).

It didn't do my career any harm and I used the time to chill out, re-evaluate what and where I wanted to be and I applied for another job and got it.

If I was in your position I would spend some time at home working out your finances - could you manage the house on your own if you put your husband out, is it your house/his house/jointly owned or rented?

Start putting feelers out for a new job and look at the things in life you do have control over and can change.

Treevo

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes both OHU and employee counselling but I don't really want to go down that route because I don't think it's me that needs counselling but a change in management attitude. Like I said a couple of weeks ago ; I get paid 2 grades lower than a colleague for doing virtually the same work but my manager finds all sorts of reasons for not doing a reassessment of my job. I'm on a paltry wage; I did my NVQ 4 in business and administration to progress a few years ago but have actually gone backwards. My manager also had a dig about my inflexibility to come in earlier/stay later/do longer hours which he knows I have no desire to do as I have an 8 year old daughter; I just do my contracted hours as I'm either doing school drop off one week or school club pick up the next so I can't/won't change my hours as my family comes first and always will. This was 'noted' in my appraisal!!! I earn £18k; my manager must be on £45k+. It's a joke.

You're treating it as just a job, but expecting them to treat you as if you're prioritising work. Why should they give you a pay rise when you've made it clear that you will only do the bare minimum and no more?

alias*alibi

Treevo wrote: »

You're treating it as just a job, but expecting them to treat you as if you're prioritising work. Why should they give you a pay rise when you've made it clear that you will only do the bare minimum and no more?

Oh believe me I do more than my fair share including carrying certain members of my team and being the lowest paid takes the p1ss to be fair. Would you be happy to carry your manager who earns £27k more than you? Doubt it. When I'm at work I do more than 100% and as who I work for are supposed to promote a work/life balance I don't expect to be penalised when after working over 100% during my core hours still being expected to give more when i earn a carp wage. I've been doing this for nearly 2 years with the same old carp, not going forwards, no regrading being discussed even though i do the same work as my colleague on £5k a year more. I've had enough of being taken advantage of.

FBaby

Alias, your posts strike of someone who has become overwhelmed with stress and who feel they have lost total control of their life. In reality, it is a question of perspective and how you see your circumstances.

I believe that you are where you are because deep inside you have not accepted and got over your husband's affair. You still hold on to your status of victim and it has taken over the way you face challenges. I don't blame you, personally, I wouldn't have been able to take my man back in the same situation.

Unfortunately, it is you paying for it now. Your last words say it all 'I've had enough of being taken advantage of'. The only way you will get better is if you take a mental break from it all and reassess your position in life. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by the speed of my life. I too work full-time in a very stressful and undermining environment, have the main responsibilities for my two kids, and always a zillion thing to do, always doing my best to please everyone, to feel that everyone is taking me for granted and I start getting very fed up. But at the start of the month, I found a lump on my breast and was referred urgently to the hospital for tests. It was the scariest moment of my life. I have lost a friend of my age (early 40s) last summer and know of someone of the same age who has now been given a terminal prognosis. During these two weeks, I knew it could be me too. Thankfully, I am one of the lucky one and it has seriously allowed me to reassess my life and how grateful I am to have my ungrateful family and crap job!

Make the best of your time off work to think about how you can best break that destructive cycle of yours, how you can balance your thinking so that your situation doesn't seem so dark, but at the same time make some changes so that you feel a bit more in control and don't get so exhausted. Your counsellor should be working with you on this. Do you think they are helping? I do believe that good counselling is the way to go, but it can take time to really see the benefits.

Treevo

alias*alibi wrote: »

Oh believe me I do more than my fair share including carrying certain members of my team and being the lowest paid takes the p1ss to be fair. Would you be happy to carry your manager who earns £27k more than you? Doubt it.

I did that, and the difference in salary was a lot more than that. I was a graduate and he had stagnated in the same job for nearly a decade. I took his job two years later. If you're so indispensable then you should have no problem doing the same. Just make sure you keep detailed records so when the time comes to make your move, you can evidence every single reason why you should replace him for the good of the business.

alias*alibi wrote: »

When I'm at work I do more than 100% and as who I work for are supposed to promote a work/life balance I don't expect to be penalised when after working over 100% during my core hours still being expected to give more when i earn a carp wage. I've been doing this for nearly 2 years with the same old carp, not going forwards, no regrading being discussed even though i do the same work as my colleague on £5k a year more. I've had enough of being taken advantage of.

None of that came across in your previous posts. As others have said I think you're stuck in the 'woe is me, I'm a victim' groove and you need to get out of it.

Screw 'regrading' - you're an adult. Prove that you're worth more money and demand it. If you truly are worth more money, then you'll get it. If you're not, then you'll be in for a rude awakening.

heartbreak_star

OP - with work, I was always reminded to never make myself indispensable in a role - because if you're indispensable you're also unpromotable. Have a look around for another job, tweak your CV, anything to make you more positive about work.

I agree that you need a bit more time off - work related strees isn't going to cure itself that quickly. I also think your hubby is wrong to shut you out of everything to do with his daughter - it's obviously a massive sticking point. Please don't blame the poor child though - it's not her fault.

Big hugs and I hope you get sorted soon.

HBS x

flashnazia

You sound broken by it all and who can blame you.
Can you really see yourself happy with this man? It's one thing forgiving a 'mistake' but can you forget? Your self esteem must be shot to pieces.

About work, the manager commented:

'is life but not everyone goes into a tailspin like you do and I need you in work so just get in ASAP

I know it seems unsympathetic but can I play Devil's advocate? It sounds as though the chaos at home is over spilling into your work life. I know from experience that some people who are deeply unhappy at home take on a victim mentality at work and can't see the wood for the trees. Supervising someone like that is a struggle because they have a very low stress threshold because their mental energy has been sapped out of them.

Sorry if I'm wrong about work. It's just a possible theory.