Irritated; grumpy, always moaning ...

katie1812

£50,000 is a massive joint income! Have you sat down and actually worked out what all of your outgoings are? Down to food, coffee, petrol? There must be ways to cut back on something and then you could start saving for a deposit, which would give you some hope and hopefully happiness as a step forward. Perhaps you and your partner need to spend some QUALITY time together, without worrying or moaning at each other! Even if its watching a film together, sitting down chatting with a coffee or a glass of wine with no tv on, cooking together, going for a walk. Something that you can both just talk and enjoy spending time together without the stresses. Come up with a plan together to move forward. Good luck x

krlyr

I know we can't give medical advice, but have you been back to the doctors about the feelings you're having? I'm sure many have a lot of validity, given the circumstances, but it could be that a different dose or type of antidepressant may work better for you. Or perhaps even explore the possibility of something else contributing. I've been suffering terribly with my moods lately, feeling lazy, fed up, been snippy with the poor OH who's done nothing wrong, but it's all revolved around my hormones - I have the implant and I've been reaching the point of needing it changed. I know that I used to suffer a lot with PMS as a teen, and I've been on hormonal birth control ever since, so I found myself recognising a lot of the ugly traits of mood swings and generally "bleugh" that came hand in hand with it in the past. Just something else to explore - it may be the straw on the camel's back in your case.

Gigglepig

alias*alibi wrote: »

One was born out of an affair so yes that grates big time. Like I said it has to be paid but I don't have to be joyous over it as it was it wasn't my balls up...

Edited to say actually the CSA payments may well be the death knell tbh. I'm pretty p1ssed off having to support a kid born out of an affair my husband had and why should I help support it. Basically he pays £335 for 'thin air' as he doesn't see the child. Not sure how much longer I can pretend at happy families tbh.

I completely understand that it grates. I would find it very very hard to get over husband having an affair that resulted in a child.

But your husband does not pay for thin air. The child doesn't cease to exist just because your husband doesn't see it!

It is not the child'd fault its parents were both useless (did not use contraception whilst having an affair, not exactly smart?)... the poor little thing deserves pity not resentment? if your husband does not take responsibility for access, or for paying anything above the legal minimum, well, I feel sorry for any child whose parent will only do the very minimum they can get away with.

Besides, the CSA calculation is based on his income, not yours, surely.

GwylimT

Have you thought about attending couples therapy?

Do you budget? If you struggle with it it might be worth getting someone in to look at your income and your outgoings, they can determine exactly what you need to be spending each month. You could do it online, get help from someone you know and trust or you could get someone in to go over everything with you.

Really all you need to do is all your CSA, debt payment, rent, council tax, utilities, car insurance/petrol if you have a car and food (make a weekly meal plan and stick to it). When you are hard up and attempting to save money the above things are the only things you should be paying for/buying.

Your husband isn't paying for thin air, he is paying to provide for his child, it is his choice not to see his child and it is his choice to provide the bare minimum amount of support calculated by the CSA.

Treevo

alias*alibi wrote: »

One was born out of an affair so yes that grates big time. Like I said it has to be paid but I don't have to be joyous over it as it was it wasn't my balls up...

Edited to say actually the CSA payments may well be the death knell tbh. I'm pretty p1ssed off having to support a kid born out of an affair my husband had and why should I help support it. Basically he pays £335 for 'thin air' as he doesn't see the child. Not sure how much longer I can pretend at happy families tbh.

Because you chose to take him back? He has an affair that resulted in a child - you could have walked away but you didn't so that's why you should help support him or her.

You weren't forced to take him back so it's a bit late to be aggrieved now.

You shouldn't have to pretend at anything - if you want to save your marriage then you're both going to have to move on and accept what happened. Get counselling if needs be.

Treevo

Gigglepig wrote: »

I completely understand that it grates. I would find it very very hard to get over husband having an affair that resulted in a child.

But your husband does not pay for thin air. The child doesn't cease to exist just because your husband doesn't see it!

It is not the child'd fault its parents were both useless (did not use contraception whilst having an affair, not exactly smart?)... the poor little thing deserves pity not resentment? if your husband does not take responsibility for access, or for paying anything above the legal minimum, well, I feel sorry for any child whose parent will only do the very minimum they can get away with.

Besides, the CSA calculation is based on his income, not yours, surely.

I don't think any young child costs more than £1000 a month (both parents' contribution and child benefits). So paying the legal minimum in this situation is more than adequate financially.

gravitytolls

Oh OP, what a rotten time you've had. Yes, you're a moody, miserable mare, hurrah, first step toward recovery. But what's the next step?

I think back to the GP. You may need your dosage adjusting, different meds, talking therapy ~ I think this is where the answer lies personally. I'll bet you don't talk about the affair or the child with your OH because it' been done to death. I bet you feel you can't keep on because you know you can't move on as a couple if you can't put it behind you.

But the fact is, you haven't. Talking to him is not going to help, you need to be able to tell someone exactly how you feel, how dreadful you still feel about the affair, how no matter how much he does to try to repair the damage it's not enough; that even if you start to feel like you could move on, the bank statement drops on the mat, and bam! you're back there again.

I'm disinclined to say you should act on your feelings if you want to end it, as now is probably not a good time to make such a major decision. To decide your future, you need to be clear headed...I feel very strongly that talk is good; and talking, talking, talking will help get things clearer in your mind so any decisions you do make will come from what you know is right rather than a reaction to abject misery.

Lots of good advice here, regarding getting out. Take the dog for a walk, brisk walks, stick throwing, you'll feel better for the exercise and you'll laugh at the antics of the dog, which will also make you feel brighter.

It's not easy to muster up the energy or enthusiasm to get out of the house, I really do know, but if you can force yourself to do it once, you'll be able to do it again, simply because you know how much better you felt being out of the house.

Your energy levels will then improve because you're feeling better. Tiredness can indeed be a symptom of an underlying medical condition, but is also a symptom of depression # your body just goes into hibernation mode, you want to lock the doors and curl up under your quilt.

~In the meantime keep coming here, let it out, say what you need to, we're hear to listen, so use us.

gravitytolls

Just a quick add, it may appear that a couple of posters are critical of your stance toward the child ~ but I think it's perfectly reasonable. Of course it's not the child's fault, of course you took him back so you clearly knew this was going to happen, but it all boils down to the fact that you're not over it that the monthly payment rankles.

Accept that's how you feel, no point pretending otherwise, bottling it up won't help. Get it out there and hopefully you'll reach a point where it won't hurt so much.....Maybe if he was seeing the child and it could become part of your family too (big ask, I know) it'd help as you would see a real life human being instead a sum on a bank statement each month?

alias*alibi

Gigglepig wrote: »

I completely understand that it grates. I would find it very very hard to get over husband having an affair that resulted in a child.

But your husband does not pay for thin air. The child doesn't cease to exist just because your husband doesn't see it!

It is not the child'd fault its parents were both useless (did not use contraception whilst having an affair, not exactly smart?)... the poor little thing deserves pity not resentment? if your husband does not take responsibility for access, or for paying anything above the legal minimum, well, I feel sorry for any child whose parent will only do the very minimum they can get away with.

Besides, the CSA calculation is based on his income, not yours, surely.

Yes he was !!!!less and no contraception was used and I know it's not the child's fault but I don't have to like that I help to pay towards her upkeep. Of course the CSA's on his salary but I still obviously help to support her by supporting him, its just more money to fork out each month that we didnt have before the affair. Like i said, its got to be paid but i dont have to like it. Anyway it's just one factor of many that's stacking up ATM. It's not the main and only contributing factor in how I feel lately.

Ps: the thin air comment was meant that's how it feels as he doesn't see his child. I've tried asking him about contact but he clams up and gets defensive. His mother told me to leave sleeping dogs lie. So I've tried.

moneysaymoneydo

That is a lot of money to fork out monthly for a mistake god he must be gutted!