Irritated; grumpy, always moaning ...

alias*alibi

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

That is a lot of money to fork out monthly for a mistake god he must be gutted!

I know I am and it's a bitter pill to swallow, trust me. I'm sure waiting for my child to be old enough to deal emotionally with our marriage failing isn't a good sign...

Gigglepig

Treevo wrote: »

I don't think any young child costs more than £1000 a month (both parents' contribution and child benefits). So paying the legal minimum in this situation is more than adequate financially.

Most parents sacrifice considerably more than 10% of their income on kids, not just mobey but time, love, effort... It isn't just about the money. And many help with studies, getting on the property market etc way past the child turning 16/20.

CSA is a pathetically little, compared to having a present, loving parent

Treevo

Gigglepig wrote: »

Most parents sacrifice considerably more than 10% of their income on kids, not just mobey but time, love, effort... It isn't just about the money. And many help with studies, getting on the property market etc way past the child turning 18.

CSA is a pathetically little, compared to having a present, loving parent

10%? I agree with you but financially speaking £355 a month is more than adequate.

Treevo

alias*alibi wrote: »

I know I am and it's a bitter pill to swallow, trust me. I'm sure waiting for my child to be old enough to deal emotionally with our marriage failing isn't a good sign...

If there's no way you can move on then you must face the possibility that one day your child will be treated how her half-sibling is currently being treated.

You've got two choices - deal with the issues or end it.

Gigglepig

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes he was !!!!less and no contraception was used and I know it's not the child's fault but I don't have to like that I help to pay towards her upkeep. Of course the CSA's on his salary but I still obviously help to support her by supporting him, its just more money to fork out each month that we didnt have before the affair. Like i said, its got to be paid but i dont have to like it. Anyway it's just one factor of many that's stacking up ATM. It's not the main and only contributing factor in how I feel lately.

Ps: the thin air comment was meant that's how it feels as he doesn't see his child. I've tried asking him about contact but he clams up and gets defensive. His mother told me to leave sleeping dogs lie. So I've tried.

It is fine to be angry you know. But eventually, I hope you can move on and let go of the resentment towards the child, who is clearly the innocent party here.

It was nice of you to ask about contact. I don't think he should refuse to talk about these issues which obviously concern you both as a couple.

Do you think some of what you are feeling is pent up anger and frustration, and that it may help to get it all out on the table in couple's counselling? Especially if your husband clams up?

It sounds like you have had a really hard time and that there are many unresolved issues.

Gigglepig

Treevo wrote: »

10%? I agree with you but financially speaking £355 a month is more than adequate.

From reading on this board I thought the rate was 10% for one, 15% for two but may be wrong. I also had the impression many decent NRPs set up (more generous) private arrangements and that the CSA is basically there to force an absolute legal minimum out of those who won't come to an amicable arrangement and/or aren't willing to pay more than the legal minimum. Maybe I misunderstood?

Treevo

Gigglepig wrote: »

From reading on this board I thought the rate was 10% for one, 15% for two but may be wrong. I also had the impression many decent NRPs set up (more generous) private arrangements and that the CSA is basically there to force an absolute legal minimum out of those who won't come to an amicable arrangement and/or aren't willing to pay more than the legal minimum. Maybe I misunderstood?

15% for one, 20% for two and 25% for three and above.

You throw 'legal minimum' around as if it is a quantifiable phrase - it's not - we have a percentage based system so it's perfectly possible as in this case for someone to be paying the legal minimum that is more than adequate, while someone else can be paying the same percentage and it be wholly inadequate.

Many people do pay more over the course of their child's lifetime but many people don't, even when on the face of it, they could. There's nothing wrong with either way.

Gigglepig

Treevo wrote: »

15% for one, 20% for two and 25% for three and above.

You throw 'legal minimum' around as if it is a quantifiable phrase - it's not - we have a percentage based system so it's perfectly possible as in this case for someone to be paying the legal minimum that is more than adequate, while someone else can be paying the same percentage and it be wholly inadequate.

Many people do pay more over the course of their child's lifetime but many people don't, even when on the face of it, they could. There's nothing wrong with either way.

Thanks for correcting the rates, I got them wrong. However, I still understand the CsA payment as the minimum contribution you can get away with. It bothers me that some parents don't seem to try to go above and beyond the minimum effort they can get away with just because they have split up. very few resident parents would try to just do the absolute minimum (and I don't mean just financially). It is an attitude thing.

So many people come on the board asking "what is the minimum I must pay" for a child after splitting up, rather than 'what is the best I can do' for my child. It makes me sad. But back to OP's original topic :-)

Person_one

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

That is a lot of money to fork out monthly for a mistake god he must be gutted!

It was hardly a mistake, the OP's husband left her for another woman, was living with the other woman for some time, and then went back to the OP when his new partner was heavily pregnant. All very very deliberate, throwing two women's and two children's lives into complete chaos in his wake.

OP, every time you post about how you're feeling, you say you don't know if you can carry on in your marriage. I don't blame you, he's treated you appallingly and shown pretty clearly that he's not most people's idea of a decent human being. Of course you're unhappy with him and struggling!

Life is short, you never know what's around the corner. How long are you going to try and soldier on knowing that things will never be how you wanted them to be when you first got married? How long has it been now since you let him come back with his tail between his legs and how much of that time have you actually been happy and felt loving and positive towards him?

MarilynMonroe_2

By your circumstances I think youre feeling and behaving as any one would - so how youre feeling isnt 'wrong' but it's not doing you any good.
I would maybe see about getting your iron levels checked, you might be anaemic if the tiredness is really bad