Don't know what to do!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Confused01 wrote: »

They know he lives with me.

When we move into another place, things will obviously be split 50/50, but even then, the renting of his place in London and how it's all set up, none of my business.

Doh!

I see where he is coming from now..

ilovelondontown

Hi OP,

I've read though this whole post and what others have said has crossed my mind too, including the idea that there is another secret woman/family involved here.

My thinking comes from a personal experience, when I was younger I was involved with a man who would move the earth to prove how he felt about me, except when I started looking more closely, I notice there were alot of things that didn't make sense, there were routine times I could never get hold of him, he'd be shifty about when we could go to his place (he'd excuse it saying it was a mess) and I did meet his family on one occassion but even then something "wasn't quite right" LOOOONG story short, he had a live in girlfriend, pregnant no less and needless to say once this all came to light (after I called him at home and SHE answered) I ended things.

The thing that still hurts most to this day is the fact that I saw SO MANY signs that something was up, I just chose to ignore them all because I didn't want to know the truth, I didn't want to see the signs. Ignorance was, for a while, bliss. I would try and confront him for an answer which was grainy at best, but I'd take it because I didn't want to know the truth.

And I'm not saying that this is the same for you, but you are here posting because something isn't quite right and for whatever reason there appears to be a lot you don't know about this man.

If you have a question or a worry you should be able to ask him without making it feel like a confrontation, he should be keen to comfort you if you have a concern. Asking "why haven't we told your family about the baby yet" needs a more detailed response than "my mother would be all over you" You need to have the courage to say "it means a lot to me that I would be able to share this experience with your family and I'd love to come with you to your family weekend this week/next week and tell everyone" If he says no to your request ask him why this is an issue.

This is your business. If your in a commited relationship with someone - let alone pregnant with their child, you should be able to answer some of the questions other posters have asked without doubt or confusion and it does, regardless of why, sound like your partner isn't telling you the whole story about important parts of his life and you should start asking your questions now. Quite simply you need to say exactly what you have said here:

"I want to find out why he seems to keen to keep me away from his family and doesn't want to tell them about the baby."

sharnad

This might sound hoarse but worse scenario. Your a sex buddy who pas his hare of the rent and leaves him free to go out to London on the pull ever weekend.

kazwookie

OP you need to 'man up' and ring his mother and have a direct chat....at least then you will know one way or the other what is going on.

Like another poster, 30 year olds are long gone from home every weekend......

zzzLazyDaisy

Confused01 wrote: »

He's just got in not too long a go, so we'll be having a chat while we wait for the dinner to cook.

Seems like Confused had that chat with him yesterday evening.

Seanymph

Hi Confused,

As an older person now I read threads such as yours and feel true despair.

You are about to become a mother, have responsibility for another tiny person - total responsibility, they will be dependent upon you for more years than you can imagine, and it's hard.

You are not equipped for it - not because he may be married or have another life, or be too immature to stand up to his mother, or be too spineless to be assertive with his family. You are right, with all of those things you have the option of cutting ties and raising a child fatherless - they could have a succession of 'uncles' maybe, lovely.

No, the primary fear I have for you isn't that you aren't in a committed relationship, or that you have bred with a man you don't know.

it's that you say blasely that his financial situation with his flat has 'nothing to do with you'. That he lives at yours four days a week, and you haven't formalised the finances in any way at all. that you have seperate financial affairs and even that you would pay HALF EACH if you changed flat!

He is about to become the father of a child that will entwine you for years, wherever you live.

You are setting yourself VERY low expectations from him, and avoiding the difficult stuff because you know it's difficult.

If you are moving flats to raise your child together he has to be prepared to SUPPORT you both. You are the mother of his child - yes of course you can still work, of course you can contribute - but you will be the primary carer you can bet your bottom dollar, even if you both work the one when the child is ill and can't get to daycare who sacrifices their relationship with their boss (again!) will be you...

All of his financial dealings become your business, if he's breaking the law and risks being fined over not being a responsible landlord that becomes your business - if he's not paying tax on income and risks being caught that's your business - if he's not paying towards your flat it's your business - if he's not on the electoral role at your house or on the bills so you can't prove you live together that will sooner or later become your business.

Setting up home together, having a family, it's a big thing - the commitment is so much more than telling his mum! You have nothing in place that suggests you have a mature and equitable relationship. And that's what scares me on your behalf.

You have bigger conversations to have - if he has debt, that affects you, his income affects you, his savings affect you.......... they affect you if you are together, and they affect you if you are not.

But you cannot be so naive as to say it's 'none of your business'. It's all your business now, you are carrying his child.

Bennifred

Excellent post, seanymph. You expressed what I'm sure many of us think about this situation.

islandgirl8

Seanymph wrote: »

Hi Confused,

As an older person now I read threads such as yours and feel true despair.

You are about to become a mother, have responsibility for another tiny person - total responsibility, they will be dependent upon you for more years than you can imagine, and it's hard.

You are not equipped for it - not because he may be married or have another life, or be too immature to stand up to his mother, or be too spineless to be assertive with his family. You are right, with all of those things you have the option of cutting ties and raising a child fatherless - they could have a succession of 'uncles' maybe, lovely.

No, the primary fear I have for you isn't that you aren't in a committed relationship, or that you have bred with a man you don't know.

it's that you say blasely that his financial situation with his flat has 'nothing to do with you'. That he lives at yours four days a week, and you haven't formalised the finances in any way at all. that you have seperate financial affairs and even that you would pay HALF EACH if you changed flat!

He is about to become the father of a child that will entwine you for years, wherever you live.

You are setting yourself VERY low expectations from him, and avoiding the difficult stuff because you know it's difficult.

If you are moving flats to raise your child together he has to be prepared to SUPPORT you both. You are the mother of his child - yes of course you can still work, of course you can contribute - but you will be the primary carer you can bet your bottom dollar, even if you both work the one when the child is ill and can't get to daycare who sacrifices their relationship with their boss (again!) will be you...

All of his financial dealings become your business, if he's breaking the law and risks being fined over not being a responsible landlord that becomes your business - if he's not paying tax on income and risks being caught that's your business - if he's not paying towards your flat it's your business - if he's not on the electoral role at your house or on the bills so you can't prove you live together that will sooner or later become your business.

Setting up home together, having a family, it's a big thing - the commitment is so much more than telling his mum! You have nothing in place that suggests you have a mature and equitable relationship. And that's what scares me on your behalf.

You have bigger conversations to have - if he has debt, that affects you, his income affects you, his savings affect you.......... they affect you if you are together, and they affect you if you are not.

But you cannot be so naive as to say it's 'none of your business'. It's all your business now, you are carrying his child.

Read this...and then read this again OP. Excellent post.

Frugalista

This was posted yesterday at 5.29 ...

Confused01 wrote: »

He's just got in not too long a go, so we'll be having a chat while we wait for the dinner to cook.

.. and this at 6.41

Confused01 wrote: »

How he rents out his place is none of my business, he's happy the people renting it are happy. It has nothing to do with me, he was renting it out before we met.

My place is also rented so selling it doesn't come into it. I really don't care about the financial side of things. I earn enough to comfortably support myself if we broke up. I have zero interest in his money, that would be last on a list of things that are important or matter to me about the relationship.

Why he feels the need to keep me and his family apart and the lack of wanting to tell them we're having a baby is what matters to me, nothing else.

.. so you ate your dinner and ..... when did you have the chat???? :think:

Surely something so important would take more than 72 minutes to resolve (and whilst eating a meal, to boot)?? And then you jump straight back on here to defend him?

Something is definitely not right here.

zzzLazyDaisy

Frugalista wrote: »

Something is definitely not right here.

I agree, there have been other inconsistencies. I have been reluctant to call time on this, in case OP is genuine, but this story just doesn't hang together for me.