Does 'no gifts' aways mean no gifts....

fluffnutter

Cloudydaze wrote: »

I've been to 2 weddings this recently:

One was a second marriage for both and it explicitly said on invite - no gifts. Bride's first wedding was 5 years before and I had been quite generous then (and she still uses my gift!)

Second was couple who didn't include a gift list. I asked the groom and he said they weren't expecting gifts and just wanted everyone to come and celebrate with them. I thought about a token gift but they are v.wealthy and quite cool and I thought a cheap gift would just end up looking tacky!

However, at both weddings, there were tables laden with presents & both times I thought s**t! I've messed up! Now couple 2 have just posted on Facebook saying how overwhelmed they are with all the lovely gifts they've received.

So, are people just being polite when they say 'no gifts' and do actually want them?

I've got a 40th party tonight but the birthday girl has said no presents. Should I get her something???

No gifts means precisely that - no gifts. If she's actually expecting something and gets nothing it's her own fault for being opaque. I can't stand all that passive-aggressive nonsense. If you want something, don't pretend you don't

Errata

"No Gifts" full stop, is nothing more than arrogance.

FBaby

Errata wrote: »

"No Gifts" full stop, is nothing more than arrogance.

Can you expand your thinking? I really don't see how my partner and I are arrogant by making that choice when the decision came from the fact that we just didn't want our guests to spend more money on us when we just don't need anything and we are just grateful that they are coming.

seven-day-weekend

I also do not see why it is arrogance? When we said 'no gifts', it wasn't a way of saying we wanted money - it just meant no gifts.

We had learned the lesson from our 25th Wedding anniversary, where we got bought a load of silver stuff which while very nice, was a waste of money because most of it never saw the light of day as it wasn't our taste. So when it got to our 40th, we thought we would save people money and say no gifts. How is that arrogant?

Errata

FBaby wrote: »

Can you expand your thinking? I really don't see how my partner and I are arrogant by making that choice when the decision came from the fact that we just didn't want our guests to spend more money on us when we just don't need anything and we are just grateful that they are coming.

"No gifts" stands on the presumption that guests would like to give a gift, and it removes the pleasure guests would experience in giving a gift.

seven-day-weekend

Errata wrote: »

"No gifts" stands on the presumption that guests would like to give a gift, and it removes the pleasure guests would experience in giving a gift.

We said that if people wanted to buy anything they could buy us a bottle of wine. Or donate to a charity. We really did not want any presents.

MrsDrink

Errata wrote: »

"No gifts" stands on the presumption that guests would like to give a gift, and it removes the pleasure guests would experience in giving a gift.

This is something that is fiercely and often debated on the wedding forum. What to put on the invites. "No gifts wanted/needed"; some cutesy poem about presents/presence; or nothing. I agree with you Errata - any mention of gifts, before being asked what the couple would like, is presumptuous.

In answer to the OP - when we were asked by our guests what we would like (or more specifically our parents were asked by our guests lol) we said 'nothing' and actually meant it. We'd been together for 13 years and living together for nearly 9 years on our wedding day. Some of our guests respected our wishes, but others brought us gifts. In the end we had to respect their wishes to give us something. But there was no ulterior motive, we really didn't want anything.

fluffnutter

Errata wrote: »

"No gifts" stands on the presumption that guests would like to give a gift, and it removes the pleasure guests would experience in giving a gift.

I think the first is a fairly accurate assumption (not presumption). Yes, most guests probably do want to bring something. But it's not about their pleasure in gift buying, it's about what the recipient wants. I'm all for providing a wonderful day for my guests, but to end up with a load of stuff I don't want or need simply to assuage their need to spend money is pointless.

If they want to give something, they can donate to charity. Then everyone's happy.

fluffnutter

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

We said that if people wanted to buy anything they could buy us a bottle of wine. Or donate to a charity. We really did not want any presents.

This is what we did. Suggested a donation first and for those who insisted they wanted to buy us something, we asked for wine. Something to suit everyone's budget, really easy to source, and very enjoyable to receive

NB. I didn't put anything on the invitations - this was in response to people's queries about what we wanted which are inevitable if you don't include a gift list. Some people did buy us stuff, some donated to charity, some bought us wine, some just joined us. Whatever.

fluffnutter

Errata wrote: »

"No Gifts" full stop, is nothing more than arrogance.

I sort of feel a little like this when I see 'Family flowers only' on a funeral announcement. Makes me think 'but what if I wanted to get them flowers?'. But funerals aren't about me, and I guess someone's wedding isn't either. I know what you mean, but I wouldn't call it arrogance.