When to speak up, and when to stay diplomatically silent...

Savvy_Sue

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I just hate being dismissed as old and about to 'peg it' - go forth with rage, I say! (Isn't that from some poem or other?)

"Do not go gentle into that good night", Dylan Thomas. Although DH prefers "Let me die a youngman's death", which I thought had the line 'shot by a jealous husband' in it, only it doesn't.

olibrofiz wrote: »

Can't you take them on drives out around the area they live in, even to villages a few miles away, and enthuse about properties you actually see for sale? Help them see there are nice places not so far away.

You might get away with that, or sending them details of a few, or enthusing about some you've seen on t'internet ...

However: in later life my parents moved from London to a small town. They were near one of my siblings, who said "if you buy a house on the wrong side of town to me, I won't be able to drop in as often as if you buy a house on my side of town." But my parents bought a house the wrong side of town. And if I say that they downsized to a house with 5 bedrooms, two bathrooms, large kitchen-diner, dining room, lounge and study - well, let's just be grateful they went that far, shall we? If I also say that although they've fitted a stair lift, it will be very difficult to impossible to manouevre a wheelchair in and out, should that day ever come - let's just say it's not the house I'd have bought at that age.

They settled in far better than I'd anticipated - Mum's never been the most sociable of people - and made lots of friends, mostly through the local Age UK centre, which has been brilliant.

Dad died over 3 years ago, and on one level he'd never got over not being in London, regularly moaning about the need to travel further than he wanted to hospital appointments and the lack of buses (they never had a car). And when I made a comment about it having been their choice to move, he said "I didn't expect to get ill like this." But apart from that, it worked very well.

So Mum's now rattling around this house on her own, which on one level is a bit disastrous. On another, it's not so bad: she likes it, absolutely won't consider sheltered accommodation (which they looked at before Dad died) because 'the kitchens are so small'. She doesn't get enough exercise, but knows she has to keep mobile to stay there, so I think by sheer determination she'll keep mobile!

You do have to let them make their own decisions, but really it won't be irreversible. You may find that once they research more they'll find it's all a bit much - even if they're upsizing then having a good sort out and clear out may prove more than they want to face.

BTW, does that £10k for house moving include stamp duty?

pops5588

SueC wrote: »

Oh heck, yes, that's EXACTLY what I'm scared of happening here.

How did you eventually manage to 'get through' to your grandma?

We just kept saying to her that we love them both, would like to be nearer to them and believed that in the longterm they would be happier in an area they already knew. Weren't trying to manipulate them, just the truth. We love being able to wander up the road to see them! They have lived in Winchester for 40 years so are really part of their little community.

Obviously hingsight is a wonderful thing and hopefully your parents would never get into the state that my Papa is now in, but I can only say I am relieved that Mama took our points on board.

podperson

I do understand your concerns but sadly if they are set on it then there's going to be little you can do.
Maybe try and look at the way you're putting your concerns across - it sounds like they may be a bit prickly about things that focus on them getting older and less able so maybe put them to one side and keep subtly mentioning the other points. Such as how their friends will really miss them at regular gatherings, how it's a shame they won't be able to go to xx local events as much, see as much of the grandkids (if applicable). Hopefully it will at least get them thinking a bit but at the end of the day it is their decision.

poet123

SueC wrote: »

I need to work on being more like that. I tend to try to anticipate the problems so I can try to avoid them!

Me too. And also as I get older...:o I am begining to see the value of the old adage "least said soonest mended" being employed in some situations. Now, if only I could actually do that!!

Anyway, I fully understand where you are coming from, and if it was me I would have to sit them down for one last frank chat and point out the pitfalls and explain that it is out of concern that you are doing this. If that doesn't work then you will have to sit back and watch it unfold.

Mojisola

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I think people have to remember that they are the parents and with a lifetime of experience, not the other way round. I would hate for my daughter to feel she had to think for me when I am 70, that I was incapapable to know what was right for myself (assuming I was of sound mind of course!).

Unfortunately, age doesn't always bring wisdom, especially if the people involved are determined not to accept that the extra years will bring frailties. There are very few people who don't start to need help with daily living at some point.

If you are going to move away from all your family support, it should be with the knowledge that you may be putting an intolerable strain on your children. You might say that you don't want them to have to do these things for you but would you really not expect them to visit if you are in hospital or ill at home and struggling to do all the daily jobs?

pops5588

The thing is it isn't about control. I don't want to put words in SueC's mouth, but as far as we felt when it came to my grandparents it was more about the fact we cared hugely about them and wanted them to be safe, comfortable and happy. It is hard to sit back and keep schtum when someone you love could be making a decision that would make it harder for you to help.

It wasn't because we thought they weren't capable of making decisions for themselves or were trying to run their lives, god knows they were absolute life savers throughout my mother's divorce and took care of us no end. We wanted to know that if we needed to (which we now do) we could repay the favour.

Our brains and bodies are, on a very basic level, machines. We are living into our hundreds now and it is normal and natural for our bodies to occasionally malfunction. There is no shame in it, it is just what "old-age" brings. It is nice that you want to care for your parents and help them SueC. Too many older people get forgotten and neglected by their families!

SueC_2

poet123 wrote: »

Me too. And also as I get older...:o I am begining to see the value of the old adage "least said soonest mended" being employed in some situations. Now, if only I could actually do that!!

Oh heck, me too - I get the theory, but when I think something 'needs' to be said, I just can't stop myself. The other problem with this is that now friends and family have realised that I don't fight shy, I'm always the one that gets pushed forward in contentious situations. Sometimes I feel like I'm the permanent bad guy, even though I'm just trying to do the best by people!

securityguy

I think "least said soonest mended" is incredibly bad advice in families when it comes to major decisions, rather than the potatoes being overcooked and mum's new dress a bit garish. It's trading a short-term argument for long-term resentment, and provides ample opportunities for people to say "I would have told you, but you weren't listening" or "I would have told you, but I didn't want the argument there and then" decades later.

MarilynMonroe_2

Put me in a home now lol.