When to speak up, and when to stay diplomatically silent...

podperson

If it's such a life-changing decision why do you seem so sure they haven't thought it through? Are they a rational adult? If so then it's their decision to make and as you say I doubt they would appreciate you interfering.

Tbh I get this from family all the time and it drives me mad. I'm in the process of making a large life change and I haven't told any of them yet as quite frankly I can't be bothered with the wave of negativity I know will come from them along with constant assumptions that I must not know what I'm doing - when in reality I have researched in great detail I just don't choose to share it all with them!

Orlando_Virgin

Tiglath wrote: »

It's hard biting your lip, I know. My sister has made appalling decisions all of her life usually about getting involved with and reproducing with losers - sometimes I've spoken up, and sometimes I've stayed quiet. I'm leaning towards staying quiet these days - she's an adult even if her decisions are utterly bizarre and incomprehensible to me. Will you be expected to help pick up the pieces if whatever it is goes wrong?

SNAP! ABSOLUTELY SNAP! And I always get hammered for saying it, but no one mentions I was right when it goes tits up

ValHaller

Hermia wrote: »

Can you not give us a hint what the decision is (I am very curious!). I can't think there are many decisions that can't be reversed or amended in some way.

Ok, it's been half an hour. We will have to start speculating.

Gender reassignment.

Even if it isn't that, I suppose the answers will be reasonably focussed on the seriousness and irreversibility.

Tiglath

I thought maybe something to do with having children?

Hermia

ValHaller wrote: »

Ok, it's been half an hour. We will have to start speculating.

Gender reassignment.

Even if it isn't that, I suppose the answers will be reasonably focussed on the seriousness and irreversibility.

I am partly curious because I wonder if the OP is maybe seeing the decision as being more drastic than it is because they are worried about their relative.

SueC_2

Okay, yes, perhaps some more info would help....

Elderly parents planning to sell their house (to release equity - I get that bit, it's completely logical, and I have no problem with it).

But instead of downsizing (which again, I would fully understand and support) they are planning to move to a bigger house, a long long way away where property is cheaper.

My concerns are:

• They know no-one in the area they are planning to move to, and will have no support network.
• Being in a completely new area they will also have no idea of who they can and can't trust in relation to car servicing, tradesmen, doctors, dentists etc etc - all of whom they have good relationships with in their current home (they've lived there for 30 years).
• Initially they will have each other, but being brutally honest, at some point in the not too distant future, one of them will die and leave the other one alone in the middle of nowhere.
• At some point they will become less able to drive, so won't be able to go visit the family and friends they are moving away from.
• As their friends are of a similar age, they too will become less able to travel as time progresses.
• As their health undoubtedly continues to fail, they will be less capable of looking after a larger house and it will become a burden to them.
• If it does turn out to be a mistake, having released and spent the equity, and having no income, they will be unable to move back to the more expensive area they consider 'home'.

I've broached the subject tentatively, but they didn't thank me for my opinion and appear absolutely set on doing this. "We're not completely decrepit yet you know".



I'm just finding it so hard to sit by and watch them make what I am so sure, in the long term, is a mistake. :sad:


EDIT TO SAY: Sorry to those that got a little impatient, it took me a while to type all that and be sure I'd covered everything!

mummyroysof3

I don't see that as reversible. If they sell and want to come home then they will have to rent won't they? I never understand personally why people have bigger houses than they need but that's just me. It does seem strange they want to up sticks and move to an area they have no ties too though? What is their reason for picking that area? Will they get many visitors?

ValHaller

SueC wrote: »

Okay, yes, perhaps some more info would help....

Elderly parents planning to sell their house (to release equity - I get that bit, it's completely logical, and I have no problem with it).

But instead of downsizing (which again, I would fully understand and support) they are planning to move to a bigger house, a long long way away where property is cheaper.

My concerns are:

While your concerns are valid, perhaps you need to look behind this to see what their concerns are?

Perhaps they have debts? Perhaps they don't like the downsizing options near them?

pops5588

SueC wrote: »

Okay, yes, perhaps some more info would help....

Elderly parents planning to sell their house (to release equity - I get that bit, it's completely logical, and I have no problem with it).

But instead of downsizing (which again, I would fully understand and support) they are planning to move to a bigger house, a long long way away where property is cheaper.

My concerns are:

• They know no-one in the area they are planning to move to, and will have no support network.
• Being in a completely new area they will also have no idea of who they can and can't trust in relation to car servicing, tradesmen, doctors, dentists etc etc - all of whom they have good relationships with in their current home (they've lived there for 30 years).
• Initially they will have each other, but being brutally honest, at some point in the not too distant future, one of them will die and leave the other one alone in the middle of nowhere.
• At some point they will become less able to drive, so won't be able to go visit the family and friends they are moving away from.
• As their friends are of a similar age, they too will become less able to travel as time progresses.
• As their health undoubtedly continues to fail, they will be less capable of looking after a larger house and it will become a burden to them.
• If it does turn out to be a mistake, having released and spent the equity, and having no income, they will be unable to move back to the more expensive area they consider 'home'.

I've broached the subject tentatively, but they didn't thank me for my opinion and appear absolutely set on doing this. "We're not completely decrepit yet you know".



I'm just finding it so hard to sit by and watch them make what I am so sure, in the long term, is a mistake. :sad:


EDIT TO SAY: Sorry to those that got a little impatient, it took me a while to type all that and be sure I'd covered everything!

I understand where you are coming from completely. We were in this situation with my mother's parents. We did speak up in the end. My Mama is the most strong-willed, independent woman that I know and she was hellbent on moving further away to a bigger house but with less land/garden to take care of and we eventually managed to get through to her. She moved much closer to a much smaller property but an area she still knew and nearer to us. Since then my Papa has developed Parkinson's and dementia and my grandmother is so relieved that she stayed in the area and moved nearer to us. We wouldn't have been able to help out anywhere near as much as we currently can.

Person_one

I can understand your concerns, I'd have the same ones, but if you've broached the subject and they are dead set on it, there really isn't anything you can do.

Do you think they'd expect you to come running/pick up the pieces if something did go wrong? If so, I'd make it very clear that won't be happening.