When to speak up, and when to stay diplomatically silent...

SueC_2

Hermia wrote: »

If that has been their reaction I don't think you can do warn them anymore. Could you approach it from a different angle and suggest some things that might make their move a success. For example, "my friend Bob said there is a really great branch of the University of the Third age there".

I think a lot of the issues on that list could be overcome or reversed. I have worked with the elderly and doing something like that can be a bad idea, but also can be the making of some people.

I really hope so. I just have this image of them rattling around a house that they can't afford to heat and haven't got the energy to clean and maintain, vegetating in front of the telly day in and day out because they don't know where else to go.

SueC_2

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

How old is elderly btw?

Mid seventies. Not ancient admittedly, but old enough not to be wanting to move house too many more times I would think.

SueC_2

ValHaller wrote: »

Perhaps that makes sense of the larger house? They can move entirely downstairs if they need to?

I hadn't thought of that, and I'd lay money that they haven't either. But the idea does console me a little. Thank you.

SueC_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

How old are they and how far away are you talking about?

Mid seventies.

And about an hour and a half's drive from where they currently live (but in the opposite direction to the vast majority of extended family members - most of whom will now become over two hours' away). I'll be three hours away (which to be fair, I already am, so it doesn't affect me in any way really).

aliasojo

Going by their reactions to you, they do seem quite 'able' for want of a better word.

Maybe this is their last 'adventure' in their minds?

Maybe I'm too headstrong but if any of mine tried to tell me where I should be living when I'm old, they'd be getting cut out of my will. (That I haven't actually made yet but never mind. )

I'd see it as them being more concerned about the risk of potential hassle for them than true concern about me.

Happy to be in the minority though.

Hope things work out for you and your OP, whatever happens.

Person_one

SueC wrote: »

Mid seventies.

And about an hour and a half's drive from where they currently live (but in the opposite direction to the vast majority of extended family members - most of whom will now become over two hours' away). I'll be three hours away (which to be fair, I already am, so it doesn't affect me in any way really).

Ok, that's not nearly as far as I expected from your previous post!

Two hours is nothing, really, it takes me 45 minutes to get to my grandparents and I consider them as being nearby!

I don't think this is as big an issue as you are worried it is. The fact is, they can and will do what they want to do, so worrying about it won't do you or them any good.

SueC_2

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, that's not nearly as far as I expected from your previous post!

Two hours is nothing, really, it takes me 45 minutes to get to my grandparents and I consider them as being nearby!

I don't think this is as big an issue as you are worried it is. The fact is, they can and will do what they want to do, so worrying about it won't do you or them any good.

I don't mind them being that far from me (I quite like it actually :rotfl:), but it's the fact that they're going to be that far from EVERYONE!

RuthnJasper

SueC wrote: »

Mid seventies. Not ancient admittedly, but old enough not to be wanting to move house too many more times I would think.

Sue, my parents aren't too far off the ages of yours - my mum will be 70 this year and dad is a few years younger. To be honest, I think you are right to be concerned. I know that I would be.

They might be able to make friends easily and get themselves fully-integrated into the new community with no problems but if they don't then they've achieved a massive foot-bullet for themselves and you, in the longer term. And, though your parents are FAR from being "past it" (whatever that means these days), they do have to be realistic. For example, have they thought that, in times to come, they might need to install an expensive stair-lift in a bigger house? That bigger houses are more likely to contain young-ish families with children who like to play noisy games outside in the summer?

My paternal grandparents moved when they were in their early seventies (although they downsized to more suitable housing) and it proved a bigger shock to my grand-dad's system than he had anticipated and it made him quite depressed (and his former neighbours telling him about how his beloved former garden had been left to go to wrack and ruin didn't help). Also, a few of my parents' friends used their retirement or early widow-hood as an "opportunity for a new life" and I honestly can only think of one who didn't regret it because they found themselves so lonely in the new place (especially in the evenings, as they didn't like to drive on the new roads in the dark, didn't like to walk in to a local club/activity/etc. by themselves, etc., etc., etc...)

Are you able to put your concerns to them in a tactfully-written letter? You could make it absolutely clear that you in no way feel that they are decrepit old fossils, but you love them and genuinely have their best long-term interests at heart?

Are you able to corrall a bit of support from any of your siblings, or at least sound them out for their take on the matter?

Whatever happens, if they continually decline your advice or opinions I suppose it's just best to leave them to it and love them all the same.

Wish you all the best. x

SueC_2

aliasojo wrote: »

Going by their reactions to you, they do seem quite 'able' for want of a better word.

Maybe this is their last 'adventure' in their minds?

Oh yes, they definitely are very 'able' at the moment, and they do view this as an adventure. My worry is more centred on when they become less 'able' and that by then it'll be too late to do anything about it.

Person_one

SueC wrote: »

I don't mind them being that far from me (I quite like it actually :rotfl:), but it's the fact that they're going to be that far from EVERYONE!

Are they moving to the middle of the Sahara or the outback?

At some stage, we just have to accept that our parents are grown ups and let them fly the nest...:D

If they're going to do it anyway Sue, who are you helping by getting stressed about it? Certainly not yourself!