When to speak up, and when to stay diplomatically silent...

Brighton_belle

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Well, if this means letting go of your dreams just in case something happens then it's a sad old world.

Yes, I understand your concerns but when you reach that age and you are still fit , able and mentally OK then you will not want people telling you that you won't make new friends/will not be able to get up the stairs/won't be able to do this/won't be able to do that.

Thus isn't about 'letting go of dreams', they are just down sizing (or in this case 'upsizing') to release cash.
And the OP isn't telling them what to do, she just wants them to think of potential and very real problems that may lie ahead, that likely will fall to her to fix.

My parents moved in their mid 70's - it was a very successful move after 40 yrs in their original home. They made friends etc. Bu they genuinely did down size to somewhere much easier to look after (bungalow in good condition and smaller garden), nearer to 2 out of 3 of their adult children(while fully acknowledging said children may choose to move away at some point) and to a place they already had established connections.
And it is really paying off as their health fails big time 10 yrs later.
They planned for having a life 'now' while still able, but were not afraid to discuss and face a possible decline into debilitating old age before death and were determined to make our lives as easy as possible should that happen without placing any expectations on us.

MarilynMonroe_2

I dont think youre wrong being overly concerned, but mid 70's is the new mid 50's doncha know! They might have another 10-20 yrs left before they need to think of being unable to cope. I'd say support their wishes x

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, that's not nearly as far as I expected from your previous post!

Two hours is nothing, really, it takes me 45 minutes to get to my grandparents and I consider them as being nearby!

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I dont think youre wrong being overly concerned, but mid 70's is the new mid 50's doncha know! They might have another 10-20 yrs left before they need to think of being unable to cope. I'd say support their wishes x

Two hours away is a very long way when regular help is needed!

Our oldies are long-lived and healthy but our experience has been that they stay very fit and capable in their 70s and very early 80s but have all needed extra help and care as they got into their mid to late 80s and a lot more by the 90s.

It's been much easier for nearby family to provide the extra help initially. They haven't needed paid care until their requirements became more regular.

If they had moved away from family, they would have had to go for paid help much earlier or really struggled. It's unfair to expect younger relatives to regularly spend four hours travelling on their days off to go and help.

MarilynMonroe_2

Are they asking for help from their children though? ANd yes they may need more help later on but they are only in their 70's. My parents are in this age bracket and if they wanted to up sticks and move then more power to them, they arent dead yet!

Primrose

I don't think you are worrying unduly. Are they good social mixers? It takes a long time to embed yourself into a new community and if they don't both drive the non driver could be totally isolated in the case of bereavement or serious illness. I suggest you ask them how they would cope in this scenario given the fact that you will be living too far away to provide any practical help. Perhaps you could type out a lis of pros and cons for them, and in the cons section list out all questions that are concerning you. My parents made a similar distant move for their retirement and in their last three years I had a fortnightly 200 mile weekend to do their shopping and cooking because they had no local shops and could no longer drive so I do understand your anxiety. But at the end of the day they are grown up and must be prepared to live with the consequences of their decision if things go wrong. Ask them if they are prepared to do this and point out that whilst you may want to help them in that event they must be prepared to employ other perhaps less palatable solutions.

olibrofiz

I would be concerned, for the reasons you and others have mentioned, but for now rationality is possibly overshadowed by the excitement of it all, the anticipation of new beginnings, different scenery, different experiences etc. And, YOLO is an expression frequently bandied about these days

I wouldn't necessarily mention things along the lines of 'what if you need help/get il/need to install a stairlift' etc, because they're negatives, and I don't think any of us wants to face up to that in our later years.

Can't you take them on drives out around the area they live in, even to villages a few miles away, and enthuse about properties you actually see for sale? Help them see there are nice places not so far away. They may be thinking that by buying this bigger house you will all visit regularly for extended periods of time...

I'm afraid I'm a bit 'yeah, it'll be fine'....fortunately it has always worked out for me. YOLO

onlyroz

I think it's worth raising your concerns *once*, and then leave them to get on with it. Ultimately it's their decision but it's worth making sure that they've thought through all the implications.

dancingfairy

Not sure there's much you can do to be honest. If you've raised your concerns then it's up to them, as long as they are of sound mind.
I guess it's time to put your concerns to the back of your mind and try and be positive and support them, otherwise it's likely to lead to a family rift
Have you tried talking to them in detail about what they plan to do - ie look online for clubs/activities for them?
Best of Luck
df

stiltwalker

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I dont think youre wrong being overly concerned, but mid 70's is the new mid 50's doncha know! They might have another 10-20 yrs left before they need to think of being unable to cope. I'd say support their wishes x

5 1/2 years ago when DH and I got together MIL was 74 and FIL 79, they were fit and independent, traipsed off down south to visit BIL and family at regular intervals and had weekends/short breaks away to lovely places in the UK. We popped in to visit them every 2 or 3 weeks, hey also came to visit us and when DD arrived MIL did babysitting for us both evenings so we could go out and for whole days while I did 1 day a week at my old work.

Fast forward to today - MIL is still fit and healthy but now rising 80. FIL is coming up 85 and slowly slipping into dementia, he also had a bad fall last year and spent a number of weeks in hospital recuperating which accelerated that. MIL is now his carer as well as his wife of more than 50 years and is finding this a difficult transition. We are now helping them out rather than the other way round, we are there every week and on the end of the phone even more often. This is on top of having 2 small children who both have disabilities. We would love them to move.... nearer and to an easier property.... but there would be no telling either of them anything, so we continue to do what we can, what we have too despite the difficulties it causes us - because that is what family is for and that is what family does.

They live half an hour/40 minutes away - if it was any further we just would not be able to do it.

I feel for you OP - If it were my parents (rather than DHs as I make him say anything awkward to them!) I would be inclined to speak up, but if your parents are anything like my PIL I'm not sure what difference it would make. Maybe emphasise the long term nature of your concerns?

Good luck.

MarilynMonroe_2

I think people have to remember that they are the parents and with a lifetime of experience, not the other way round. I would hate for my daughter to feel she had to think for me when I am 70, that I was incapapable to know what was right for myself (assuming I was of sound mind of course!).