When to speak up, and when to stay diplomatically silent...

mummyroysof3

Do they realise just how stressful the selling and buying process could be? Then the moving and the no friends nearby and the effort to find new ones and find places to go. I'm 30 and I'm worried about the effect of moving 30 mins away from our current home so maybe I'm not the best person to comment lol

SueC_2

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Sue, my parents aren't too far off the ages of yours - my mum will be 70 this year and dad is a few years younger. To be honest, I think you are right to be concerned. I know that I would be.

They might be able to make friends easily and get themselves fully-integrated into the new community with no problems but if they don't then they've achieved a massive foot-bullet for themselves and you, in the longer term. And, though your parents are FAR from being "past it" (whatever that means these days), they do have to be realistic. For example, have they thought that, in times to come, they might need to install an expensive stair-lift in a bigger house? That bigger houses are more likely to contain young-ish families with children who like to play noisy games outside in the summer?

My paternal grandparents moved when they were in their early seventies (although they downsized to more suitable housing) and it proved a bigger shock to my grand-dad's system than he had anticipated and it made him quite depressed (and his former neighbours telling him about how his beloved former garden had been left to go to wrack and ruin didn't help). Also, a few of my parents' friends used their retirement or early widow-hood as an "opportunity for a new life" and I honestly can only think of one who didn't regret it because they found themselves so lonely in the new place (especially in the evenings, as they didn't like to drive on the new roads in the dark, didn't like to walk in to a local club/activity/etc. by themselves, etc., etc., etc...)

Are you able to put your concerns to them in a tactfully-written letter? You could make it absolutely clear that you in no way feel that they are decrepit old fossils, but you love them and genuinely have their best long-term interests at heart?

Are you able to corrall a bit of support from any of your siblings, or at least sound them out for their take on the matter?

Whatever happens, if they continually decline your advice or opinions I suppose it's just best to leave them to it and love them all the same.

Wish you all the best. x

Thank you thank you thank. My post does seem to have polarised opinion, but it's nice to know that at least not everyone thinks I'm over-reacting and can appreciate my concerns.

I have discussed it with my siblings, and while they feel very similarly to me, they are much more of the mind "It's their lives, if they want to mess it up, let them get on with it". Easy for them to say, but one of them is in Australia and the other has a young family of their own - so it's not going to be either of them doing the baling out if or when the time comes!

Person_one

SueC wrote: »

Thank you thank you thank. My post does seem to have polarised opinion, but it's nice to know that at least not everyone thinks I'm over-reacting and can appreciate my concerns.

I have discussed it with my siblings, and while they feel very similarly to me, they are much more of the mind "It's their lives, if they want to mess it up, let them get on with it". Easy for them to say, but one of them is in Australia and the other has a young family of their own - so it's not going to be either of them doing the baling out if or when the time comes!

Um, if you re-read the thread you'll see that lots of people have said they understand your concerns...

The fact is though, whatever your concerns and however valid they are, you are pretty powerless here.

SueC_2

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

Do they realise just how stressful the selling and buying process could be? Then the moving and the no friends nearby and the effort to find new ones and find places to go.

They've not done it for 30 years, so probably not. They probably also don't realise that the average cost of moving house is £10k. Or that once they're in their lovely big house they're going to need to buy a shed-load of furniture to fill it.

I've tried to make the points, but so far no good!

SueC_2

Person_one wrote: »

Um, if you re-read the thread you'll see that lots of people have said they understand your concerns...

The fact is though, whatever your concerns and however valid they are, you are pretty powerless here.

I thought that's what I said... "Not everyone thinks I'm over-reacting" (ie. some people do, some people don't). Apologies if that was misinterpreted in someway.

I'm grateful for all opinions - those that tell me I'm right to worry (because I am worrying), and those that tell me I shouldn't (because I'm trying not to). Either way, I win!

Person_one

SueC wrote: »

I thought that's what I said... "Not everyone thinks I'm over-reacting" (ie. some people do, some people don't). Apologies if that was misinterpreted in someway.

I'm grateful for all opinions - those that tell me I'm right to worry (because I am worrying), and those that tell me I shouldn't (because I'm trying not to). Either way, I win!

Fair enough, I thought you were singling out that one post as the only one who appreciated your concerns.

What's that old expression? Something about having the ability to change what you can and accept what you can't? It fits here I think.

SueC_2

Person_one wrote: »

Are they moving to the middle of the Sahara or the outback?

Okay, maybe not EVERYONE, just everyone they know and trust.

pmlindyloo

You've made your opinion known and they are taking no notice.

I am not surprised. There is nothing more irritating than people reminding you that you are not getting any younger and should prepare for your old age.

Well, if this means letting go of your dreams just in case something happens then it's a sad old world.

Yes, I understand your concerns but when you reach that age and you are still fit , able and mentally OK then you will not want people telling you that you won't make new friends/will not be able to get up the stairs/won't be able to do this/won't be able to do that.

How very depressing.

You've made your thoughts known. Now support them and be pleased that they are starting on a new chapter in their lives.

No one can predict the future. If we all prepared ourselves for the worst no-one would move out of their house.

I just hate being dismissed as old and about to 'peg it' - go forth with rage, I say! (Isn't that from some poem or other?)

Scrapaholic

I suppose a lot of people 70+ don't move to bigger properties . If they move it's usually to downsize . If you've already talked to them about the cost of moving , etc. the larger heating bills , knowing no one in the area and all your concerns over the move , then there's really nothing you can do . I'd be worried about everything too . Try not to look too far into the future if they do move . I try to accept what I can't change and not anticipate problems before they happen . Just have to deal with problems if and when they occur . Hope it all works out .

SueC_2

Scrapaholic wrote: »

. I try to accept what I can't change and not anticipate problems before they happen . Just have to deal with problems if and when they occur . Hope it all works out .

I need to work on being more like that. I tend to try to anticipate the problems so I can try to avoid them!