Is my relationship worth saving?

olibrofiz

I've just seen, and read through, this thread, and I really hope weathergurl is ok.

IMO pouring your heart out on MSE, well people will say it how they see it, and it's easy to get caught up in the moment - 'YES, I WILL do it'.

If weathergurl has decided to stick it out for a bit, that's her choice - in relationships like this, there is 'hope', until you recognise that you really, really can't go on any longer. I'd just like her to post, whether it be to say she's made the break from this emotionally abusive man, or just to say 'i'm ok'.

I really hope you're ok weathergurl.

Blackpool_Saver

olibrofiz wrote: »

I really hope you're ok weathergurl.

Yes, so do I

Wol2

Hi Weathergurl.....hope you;re OK. We'd really appreciate it if you could PM one of us just to let us know?

If you;re having second thoughts - don;t worry....we're all still here for you.

I went back after I left because I needed to get things clear in my own "scientific" mind that it really wasn;t my fault.........it's a real hard thing to get your head around

Sending you hugs
xxxx

weathergurl

Thank you all for your concern.
I'm OK there isn't much to tell really, we are still living in the same house, although separate rooms. OH is trying to level his moods off and has been calmer. He won't go to the dr about his moods tho and won't try counselling. We've tried talking things through, but for me something has drastically changed and while he's being reasonable we seem more like friends than a couple, maybe I'm trying to protect myself by backing off a bit? I feel like I'm still waiting for him to kick off again, maybe he won't and this was a wake-up call....?

I've been busy saving for my rainy day/escape fund and doing the house up a) because it needs it, it keeps my mind off things for a few hours and c) will help if we do come to sell up.

I've been busy reading self help books, both about mentally abusive partners and how to improve your relationship to try and see if it's worth saving. All I can say is the 'improve your relationship' books make me feel "why should I try so hard?".

I got very sad when I looked through some family photo albums and my over-riding thought at most of them was "He was in a mood when that was taken" "He didn't attend this event because he was in a mood" "The day/holiday went downhill after this one because he went in a mood".

He is recognising what he's been like, there was a film on the other day where James Mason took drugs and went from a loving family man to a horrible bully, he asked me if that's what he was like and I felt able to say yes. I told him that he'd been a good dad to DD most of the time, but sometimes had been awful to her too, like when she was about 5 and was struggling to read a book from school, every time she made a mistake he made her start again from the beginning and it took hours for the poor thing to finish as she got more and more upset, I feel so guilty about not stopping it but he was always so strict that he was able to parent in his own way. She hates reading now....

I reminded him about this when the film was on and he admitted that it was so wrong. Not sure how we can move on from all this as I carry so much resentment towards him, and so much guilt for not protecting DD better. Hey ho. Not sure what else to add as I don't have exciting developments to report. I've plodded along for so many years that this is the only pace I know.
xx

CH27

I am relieved you are ok.

Primrose

We will all be relieved you are ok. Perhaps you need to go through this particular phase to come to terms with your new state of enlightenment. Just try to take things steadily and keep the temperature down as you seem to be doing. We will be thinking of you If you don't report in.

HeadAboveWater

Thanks for the update. Thinking of you

brenda10

weathergurl wrote: »

I'm a long time MSE'er since 2005, but I'm posting anonymously for some help or advice before my head explodes.

I'm in a long term relationship with my BF for over 25 years, we met when we were teens and it's my first and only relationship, so I don't have anything to judge it against.
We have a daughter who's now 23 (currently living at our house with her BF while they get rid of some debts and try and save some money).

I'm starting to feel like mine and BF's relationship isn't right, but am I over reacting?

He has bizarre and severe mood swings, almost to the point I think he might be bipolar. I'm constantly walking on eggshells making sure I don't say the wrong thing and trying to keep his life as smooth as possible to ward off his mood. During the good phase he's OK, very loving and attentive and we do have a laugh, but when the mood swings then boy do I know about it (and to some extent DD is sometimes in the firing line). He can be in a foul mood, picks an argument over anything, sulks, we don't talk for days and then he swings back out of it and everything is supposed to be fine.

I'm exhausted by it and it's really wearing me down, each episode of it crushes me a bit more and I lose all enthusiasm for everything. I just function.

But then when he's Ok I think we have a lovely relationship....but then again do we? Recently I've been trying to look at us as an outsider would and I'm not really liking what's there.

25 years is an awful long time to give up on, I feel like I've failed if I give up, but not sure I've got the will to fight any more.

I don't have many close friends, it's always been difficult socialising with BF as his mood swings often coincided with social events. He's fallen out with all his family and quite a few of his long time friends. He's fallen out with my closest friend so that's awkward. He has some more recent friends and we do sometimes socialise with them...but they're not really my friends. He'd be mortified if I ever spoke about our relationship to anyone, he's very private (Hence my anonymous post).

I help out with his hobby which often take up weekends, he's planned for us to go stay at his friends over the summer but when I suggested we went to visit my sister & family and stay there for a few days he ranted and raved about he doesn't think we should make an effort if they don't. They don't visit us because I've discouraged their visits in case he's not in a good mood. He hasn't attended any of my family functions or seen my family for a few years now.

Planning holidays I'm always aware that a few weeks before he'll have an episode and say he's not going...although he always has.

Workwise I work full time and earn £1300 a month, he's gradually cut down his hours so he can pursue his hobby to try and make a living out of it. Not sure what he earns to be honest but I reckon it's now about £800 a month from his job and an extra £200 or so a month from his hobby (but this is up and down and not regular). He gives me £300 a month housekeeping and I pay all mortgage, bills, food etc so my contribution is about £700. I pay for all holidays and most of household goods. We each pay our own credit cards, and running our own cars. Does this seem fair? He says he gives me what he can and I suppose I earn more so should pay more. I'd love to cut down my hours but can't as who would pay the bills? I feel like I'm taking up the shortfall so he can work 2.5 days a week. He can be incredibly generous though and buy me a nice present out of the blue.

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, decorating even though he has much more 'at home' time. (DD & BF help a bit). He has done the big jobs over the years installed new bathroom, mended cars etc but this seems to have tailed off recently and there's things need doing in the house which he's aware of but he jokes he does things when he's ready. I do the things I can but if it's beyond my capabilities I have to rely on him, when he's ready.

The latest mood swing is typical and stems from a couple of pieces of broken garden furniture and some lengths of wood which have been hanging around in the garden for weeks. I tidied the garden over Bank Holiday and asked if we could take the rubbish to the dump the next day. Next day he got up incredibly early as he doesn't sleep well sometimes, watched TV and then fell asleep as he'd got up so early. So I packed my car with the rubbish and came in to say I was going to take it to the dump.

He was furious I'd done it on my own and not waited for him. We drove to the dump and I tried to make conversation but it was obvious he was in a foul mood. It took all of 30mins in total and we got back, he went to bed in a mood and slept the rest of the day. He then was in a mood for few days, not talking to me. And then expected everything to be fine as the usual routine. But I told him I was fed up of it and exhausted with it. We're not talking and we're living in separate rooms at the moment.

I love him so much and in his own way I know he adores me. We've been through some incredibly hard times together. The thought of uprooting, selling the house, living alone, telling DD fills me with dread. If I do give up on our relationship I feel I've wasted so many years. I just do't know what to do :-(

I'm so sorry for the long post, I don't know who to turn to. I'm sure he'd paint a different picture of our relationship and there must be things that I do that annoy him, but I honestly don't think I'm difficult to live with. Don't really have moods, work hard, not high maintenance, don't spend much on myself, try to keep myself looking halfway decent. Any advice on whether to keep fighting for this relationship and how to go about it seeing as I'm knackered! or am I flogging a dead horse?

Walking on EGGSHELLS=disaster. You have to please him otherwise tantrum time, he is controlling you. Walk away and let him !!!! off! Looks like he is living the great life and you are useful to do all the chores and pay the biggest % of the money for bills. I have a friend like that , she had MUG written all over her forehead, not now, she got rid of her control freak and has such freedom, NO MORE PLEASING her other half. best wishes in whatever you do.:A You are an angel, don't be a doormat for anyone.

Remember weathergurl the reason he is not going to the Dr or counselling is ? he does not accept he has a problem, that says it all, DISASTER, things will only get worse, lucky you have no young children to witness his bad behaviour but your daughter has been on the end of his abuse!!, A NASTY FATHER. SHAME ON HIM!!!! HOW CRUEL !!!!!!
DON'T accept it, STAND UP TO HIM! He won't like it but so what!!

tracey29

tayforth wrote: »

2 months ago, I'd had enough. Long story short, I started a thread on here asking "Ever feel as if you've made a huge mistake?"



I'm searching on my phone so it may be because of that but I can't find the thread you talked about. Can you send me a link please (or post one).

Thanks

Brighton_belle

tracey29 wrote: »

tayforth wrote: »

2 months ago, I'd had enough. Long story short, I started a thread on here asking "Ever feel as if you've made a huge mistake?"



I'm searching on my phone so it may be because of that but I can't find the thread you talked about. Can you send me a link please (or post one).

Thanks

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789=

(Tayforth changed the threads name as she moved on in her life)