Is my relationship worth saving?

tattycath

weathergurl wrote: »

Aw I'm so sorry you've been worried, please don't. It's been hard to get online as I've been on a course at work and its still v difficult at home.

I've made progress in some areas, but the home situation hasn't really improved.

Not sure what to think with regards to OH if I'm honest, its too complicated for me to understand what's going on, esp living in it and not having the luxury of being an outsider looking objectively at the situation.

He's stopped the hearts and flowers routine, no more cooking etc.

He said he wanted to talk about our relationship at midnight on Saturday, and then proceeded to talk at me for 2 hours abut how selfish I can be and how I don't support him as much as I could. In the past I would have been frantic to 'improve' and part of me still felt like that, but a large part of me knew what he was saying was one-sided and unreasonable.

He actually seems quite depressed now, the other night it got to 10pm and he said he could feel his mood changing, so he was going to the cinema..and he upped and went. I think I've distanced myself from him and haven't reacted how he wanted to the hearts and flowers routine and so he's distanced himself too. We haven't really said anything to each other the last few days, just being civil.

I managed to get in contact with the legal helpline at my union ad they explained about 'order of sale' 'occupation order' and 'conduct of sale' all of which would help me if he decides to make it awkward but all of which could be horrendously expensive and take months to sort out. But I have a clear idea of what I need to do, if I need to.

I then rang my bank re the mortgage (didn't tell them my name and account number though). They said they don't do payment holidays. Interest only would require a new application from both of us (so that's not an option). And reducing my payments would affect both mine, and his, credit rating, he won't care about that but I do as it could affect my ability to buy/rent in future. I explained the situation but they didn't care less, just kept saying whether I live there or not the mortgage payments must be met each month.

I felt so down after calling them, and felt v trapped by the situation. I struggling to find the will to keep fighting forwards. I'm going to need a bloody big emergency fund if this thing could drag out months and in the meantime I'm going to have to pay rent and mortgage

(((Hugs))) weathergurl. Xx

tattycath

weathergurl wrote: »

Sorry I was writing a long post, takes me a while to put it into words

Lol. I can relate to this.
Pleased you're ok. Xx

paulineb_2

weathergurl wrote: »

Aw I'm so sorry you've been worried, please don't. It's been hard to get online as I've been on a course at work and its still v difficult at home.

I've made progress in some areas, but the home situation hasn't really improved.

Not sure what to think with regards to OH if I'm honest, its too complicated for me to understand what's going on, esp living in it and not having the luxury of being an outsider looking objectively at the situation.

He's stopped the hearts and flowers routine, no more cooking etc.

He said he wanted to talk about our relationship at midnight on Saturday, and then proceeded to talk at me for 2 hours abut how selfish I can be and how I don't support him as much as I could. In the past I would have been frantic to 'improve' and part of me still felt like that, but a large part of me knew what he was saying was one-sided and unreasonable.

He actually seems quite depressed now, the other night it got to 10pm and he said he could feel his mood changing, so he was going to the cinema..and he upped and went. I think I've distanced myself from him and haven't reacted how he wanted to the hearts and flowers routine and so he's distanced himself too. We haven't really said anything to each other the last few days, just being civil.

I managed to get in contact with the legal helpline at my union ad they explained about 'order of sale' 'occupation order' and 'conduct of sale' all of which would help me if he decides to make it awkward but all of which could be horrendously expensive and take months to sort out. But I have a clear idea of what I need to do, if I need to.

I then rang my bank re the mortgage (didn't tell them my name and account number though). They said they don't do payment holidays. Interest only would require a new application from both of us (so that's not an option). And reducing my payments would affect both mine, and his, credit rating, he won't care about that but I do as it could affect my ability to buy/rent in future. I explained the situation but they didn't care less, just kept saying whether I live there or not the mortgage payments must be met each month.

I felt so down after calling them, and felt v trapped by the situation. I struggling to find the will to keep fighting forwards. I'm going to need a bloody big emergency fund if this thing could drag out months and in the meantime I'm going to have to pay rent and mortgage

You are still being abused, just because its normal for you being on the end of the 2 hour lectures, doesnt mean that this is right.

Yes it might be hard financially, but you cant put a price on peace of mind. You could rent somewhere and then let a room out, or try and find other work, theres always a way.

tattycath

paulineb wrote: »

You are still being abused, just because its normal for you being on the end of the 2 hour lectures, doesnt mean that this is right.

Yes it might be hard financially, but you cant put a price on peace of mind. You could rent somewhere and then let a room out, or try and find other work, theres always a way.

There is always a way but the first thing weathergurl has to do is decide in her own mind when she feels able to move out. I was given loads of advice before I left my ex, but at the end of the day I had to sort things out in my head before I could act.
Weathergurl, Once you have decided on that course of action you will rationalise the pro's and cons, finance, logistics etc etc.
There will come a time when enough is enough and you will leave-but only you can decide when the time is right for you.
Pls continue to lean on us for support and advice-we're all here for you.
It does sound like you're living in an emotionally unhealthy environment-the longer you're there the worse it will get.
Just remember, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
A lot of reticence is often down to fear of the unknown. I find things I have put off are rarely as bad as I imagined they would be.
Chin up, we're all here for you Hun. Xx

weathergurl

paulineb wrote: »

You are still being abused, just because its normal for you being on the end of the 2 hour lectures, doesnt mean that this is right.

Yes it might be hard financially, but you cant put a price on peace of mind. You could rent somewhere and then let a room out, or try and find other work, theres always a way.

Yes you are right Paulineb and I knew it as he was saying those things.

I felt v down after the talk with the bank, but I've come round to thinking that it will work out one way or another. Of course the bank will try and pressure me into carrying on paying the full mortgage, I was naive to think otherwise. I know I can live v frugally, have done it for years so yes I think I can do it financially if I can get the initial rent & deposit together.

But sometimes does it feel like life is conspiring against you? Got flashed by a speed camera as I was rushing back to work one lunchtime this week, it's totally my own fault but the fine will mean I can't put much in the emergency pot this month. Got back to work and my soup exploded in the microwave...spent half an hour cleaning it all up......seriously didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or sink to my knees!

paulineb_2

tattycath wrote: »

There is always a way but the first thing weathergurl has to do is decide in her own mind when she feels able to move out. I was given loads of advice before I left my ex, but at the end of the day I had to sort things out in my head before I could act.
Weathergurl, Once you have decided on that course of action you will rationalise the pro's and cons, finance, logistics etc etc.
There will come a time when enough is enough and you will leave-but only you can decide when the time is right for you.
Pls continue to lean on us for support and advice-we're all here for you.
It does sound like you're living in an emotionally unhealthy environment-the longer you're there the worse it will get.
Just remember, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
A lot of reticence is often down to fear of the unknown. I find things I have put off are rarely as bad as I imagined they would be.
Chin up, we're all here for you Hun. Xx

Yes, Im aware of that. I grew up in a house where my mum was abused both emotionally and physically by her second husband, it took her some time to get him out, not helped by that he wouldnt go.

But sometimes, as the OP said herself, when you are in the thick of things and that is your reality, you dont always grasp how bad someone elses behaviour is.

RAS

weathergurl

A couple of comments

1. Can you do a spreadsheet at work with all the current household costs? Then work out your liability if you move out (and the Council tax, utilities etc are all put in your exs name).

2. What is your DD and partner contributing to the household at the moment? Would thay stay there or not?

3. If you need to get an order for sale and occupation order, a standard rental may not be a good idea as you have to commit for 6-12 months.

4. Could you rent with DD? Could you look at property guardianship? Or move in as a lodger with someone else because that would be cheaper and enable you to move back into the house at short notice?

Also, please go over to wikidivorce as there is a lot of useful advice on doing stuff without incurring lots of legal costs.

weathergurl

tattycath wrote: »

There is always a way but the first thing weathergurl has to do is decide in her own mind when she feels able to move out. I was given loads of advice before I left my ex, but at the end of the day I had to sort things out in my head before I could act.
Weathergurl, Once you have decided on that course of action you will rationalise the pro's and cons, finance, logistics etc etc.
There will come a time when enough is enough and you will leave-but only you can decide when the time is right for you.
Pls continue to lean on us for support and advice-we're all here for you.
It does sound like you're living in an emotionally unhealthy environment-the longer you're there the worse it will get.
Just remember, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
A lot of reticence is often down to fear of the unknown. I find things I have put off are rarely as bad as I imagined they would be.
Chin up, we're all here for you Hun. Xx

Thank you tattycath, I do feel like it's something I can only do when I'm ready and I'm not ready yet, I don't know why, as I can see it's a totally toxic environment to be in. I'm not very good at making decisions, and this is a life changing one.
I am taking everyone's advice and thoughts on board, and am v grateful for it, thank you all x

weathergurl

RAS wrote: »

weathergurl

A couple of comments

1. Can you do a spreadsheet at work with all the current household costs? Then work out your liability if you move out (and the Council tax, utilities etc are all put in your exs name).

Yes I have done and it looks do-able if I live v frugally and can get the initial deposit/month's rent up front together. I'd have to pay the mortgage and also broadband/phone until the contract runs out in about 6 months time.

2. What is your DD and partner contributing to the household at the moment? Would thay stay there or not?

Yes they contribute towards housekeeping. They cam back to live with us to reduce their debts and are doing well with that. I'm not sure whether DD would stay or get her own place or want to come with me, I need to broach the subject but I've been putting it on because it seems like a point of no return when I say it to her, and she will so upset, but I think she will understand knowing what he can be like.

3. If you need to get an order for sale and occupation order, a standard rental may not be a good idea as you have to commit for 6-12 months.

Haven't been able to find anything but a minimum 6 month rental, is there another type please?

4. Could you rent with DD? Could you look at property guardianship? Or move in as a lodger with someone else because that would be cheaper and enable you to move back into the house at short notice?

Yes all possibilities but I wouldn't move back to the house even if I got an occupation order etc, I'd leave it empty. I wouldn't feel safe moving back there.

Also, please go over to wikidivorce as there is a lot of useful advice on doing stuff without incurring lots of legal costs.

Thanks you, will go and have look, been doing lots of reading and learnt a lot

paulineb_2

weathergurl wrote: »

Thank you tattycath, I do feel like it's something I can only do when I'm ready and I'm not ready yet, I don't know why, as I can see it's a totally toxic environment to be in. I'm not very good at making decisions, and this is a life changing one.
I am taking everyone's advice and thoughts on board, and am v grateful for it, thank you all x

It is toxic, but its also toxic for your child. If your child isnt happy, I think thats something else you need to take into consideration.

And Im aware its not a small child, but they are also living in the middle of this and it cant be positive for them either. And if they are working and can contribute, it might make your financial life easier.

Shes grown up with this as well and for her, the situation with your partner is her reality as well, but that doesnt make it right, Im sure she would be upset, but the difference between living in a stressful home and a stress free one would be like night and day. For all of you.