Is my relationship worth saving?

[Deleted User]

Just get yourself out if you cannot get him out and once in rented flat or room you will be SAFE and if the mortgage defaults and your credit rating gets affected - then let it as your safety and peace of mind are worth more than money!

PS, if you need a safe space temporarily then PM me and if you can get to me my spare room is free (seriously) I live in the south west of England.

tayforth

(((Hugs))) weathergurl. I'm glad that you're ok, and still posting here.

The lectures on your failings - I had those too. Like you, I used to be anxious to change to please him, but when his words started going in one ear and out the other, that was the beginning of the end. I was encouraged to see you saying that. You're starting to detach emotionally from him. That's very positive.


You've had some excellent practical advice here. My only additional suggestion is that you tell your daughter what's going on; she's an adult and deserves to know. She and her BF may want to rent a place with you, even in the short term - this could make a huge difference to your financial options.

brenda10

weathergurl wrote: »

i'm a long time mse'er since 2005, but i'm posting anonymously for some help or advice before my head explodes.

I'm in a long term relationship with my bf for over 25 years, we met when we were teens and it's my first and only relationship, so i don't have anything to judge it against.
We have a daughter who's now 23 (currently living at our house with her bf while they get rid of some debts and try and save some money).

I'm starting to feel like mine and bf's relationship isn't right, but am i over reacting?

He has bizarre and severe mood swings, almost to the point i think he might be bipolar. I'm constantly walking on eggshells making sure i don't say the wrong thing and trying to keep his life as smooth as possible to ward off his mood. During the good phase he's ok, very loving and attentive and we do have a laugh, but when the mood swings then boy do i know about it (and to some extent dd is sometimes in the firing line). He can be in a foul mood, picks an argument over anything, sulks, we don't talk for days and then he swings back out of it and everything is supposed to be fine.

I'm exhausted by it and it's really wearing me down, each episode of it crushes me a bit more and i lose all enthusiasm for everything. I just function.

But then when he's ok i think we have a lovely relationship....but then again do we? Recently i've been trying to look at us as an outsider would and i'm not really liking what's there.

25 years is an awful long time to give up on, i feel like i've failed if i give up, but not sure i've got the will to fight any more.

I don't have many close friends, it's always been difficult socialising with bf as his mood swings often coincided with social events. He's fallen out with all his family and quite a few of his long time friends. He's fallen out with my closest friend so that's awkward. He has some more recent friends and we do sometimes socialise with them...but they're not really my friends. He'd be mortified if i ever spoke about our relationship to anyone, he's very private (hence my anonymous post).

I help out with his hobby which often take up weekends, he's planned for us to go stay at his friends over the summer but when i suggested we went to visit my sister & family and stay there for a few days he ranted and raved about he doesn't think we should make an effort if they don't. They don't visit us because i've discouraged their visits in case he's not in a good mood. He hasn't attended any of my family functions or seen my family for a few years now.

Planning holidays i'm always aware that a few weeks before he'll have an episode and say he's not going...although he always has.

Workwise i work full time and earn £1300 a month, he's gradually cut down his hours so he can pursue his hobby to try and make a living out of it. Not sure what he earns to be honest but i reckon it's now about £800 a month from his job and an extra £200 or so a month from his hobby (but this is up and down and not regular). He gives me £300 a month housekeeping and i pay all mortgage, bills, food etc so my contribution is about £700. I pay for all holidays and most of household goods. We each pay our own credit cards, and running our own cars. Does this seem fair? He says he gives me what he can and i suppose i earn more so should pay more. I'd love to cut down my hours but can't as who would pay the bills? I feel like i'm taking up the shortfall so he can work 2.5 days a week. He can be incredibly generous though and buy me a nice present out of the blue.

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, decorating even though he has much more 'at home' time. (dd & bf help a bit). He has done the big jobs over the years installed new bathroom, mended cars etc but this seems to have tailed off recently and there's things need doing in the house which he's aware of but he jokes he does things when he's ready. I do the things i can but if it's beyond my capabilities i have to rely on him, when he's ready.

The latest mood swing is typical and stems from a couple of pieces of broken garden furniture and some lengths of wood which have been hanging around in the garden for weeks. I tidied the garden over bank holiday and asked if we could take the rubbish to the dump the next day. Next day he got up incredibly early as he doesn't sleep well sometimes, watched tv and then fell asleep as he'd got up so early. So i packed my car with the rubbish and came in to say i was going to take it to the dump.

He was furious i'd done it on my own and not waited for him. We drove to the dump and i tried to make conversation but it was obvious he was in a foul mood. It took all of 30mins in total and we got back, he went to bed in a mood and slept the rest of the day. He then was in a mood for few days, not talking to me. And then expected everything to be fine as the usual routine. But i told him i was fed up of it and exhausted with it. We're not talking and we're living in separate rooms at the moment.

I love him so much and in his own way i know he adores me. We've been through some incredibly hard times together. The thought of uprooting, selling the house, living alone, telling dd fills me with dread. If i do give up on our relationship i feel i've wasted so many years. I just do't know what to do :-(

i'm so sorry for the long post, i don't know who to turn to. I'm sure he'd paint a different picture of our relationship and there must be things that i do that annoy him, but i honestly don't think i'm difficult to live with. Don't really have moods, work hard, not high maintenance, don't spend much on myself, try to keep myself looking halfway decent. Any advice on whether to keep fighting for this relationship and how to go about it seeing as i'm knackered! Or am i flogging a dead horse?

walking on eggshells says it all, read up about narcissism and see if you tick any of the boxes re being the victim. Good luck. We have experience of having one in our family!!!
They are vile and will trample your body,soul and mind into the gutter and have no feelings towards you, to them you are an object, they don't have hearts, they are evil. The Narcissist's life "Its all about Me, Myself and I"
xx

tayforth

How are you doing, weathergurl? I hope that you've had a peaceful weekend xx

jungle_jane

tayforth wrote: »

(((Hugs))) My only additional suggestion is that you tell your daughter what's going on; she's an adult and deserves to know. She and her BF may want to rent a place with you, even in the short term - this could make a huge difference to your financial options.

Yeah I agree - she could help, too. If she wanted to go with you she and BF could go and rent a place on their own and then you can up and leave one day.

Didn't you mention many pages back that they are staying with you while they save enough for their own place? Do they have enough now?

It would be a lot easier that way...

warehouse

weathergurl wrote: »

I'm not very good at making decisions, and this is a life changing one.

It is a life changing decision, from a miserable scared life to a joyous one full of hope. What will he have to do to force it upon you?

Be strong weathergurl.

treeze

Forgive me if this has been covered but is it possible to move into a shared house for a while? It would only be about £350 a month all in. A friend of mine did this when it got impossible at home. x

Mr_Incredible

weathergurl wrote: »

Thank you all, even Mr Incredible because when I read your post I thought of the ridiculousness of the situation, I'm far too afraid of his reaction to suggest we go to Relate...if that's not a bit fat warning sign that things aren't right, then I don't know what is.

Wol2 you put into calm and sensible words what I'm feeling & going though and lay it out so it makes sense to my fuddled an overloaded brain, thank you so much.

I still wouldn't feel safe in the house even if he had to leave it, I'd rather he didn't know where I was. The lawyer told me about the occupation order & conduct of sale as a way of making him leave the house if he makes it awkward to sell. I can't imagine an estate agent daring to show someone round if he's in one of his moods. :eek:

Depending on how much the legal fees are then yes there might be some equity left and I'd like to buy my own place if I could. The lawyer said 2 to 3 months for the occupation order etc depending on how much OH wanted to make it difficult, and then obviously time to sell the house too.

If your afraid for your safety then get out of there thats the first step, your health comes first

JustinCredibleGillespie

Any updates Weathergurl?

JCG

xx

HeadAboveWater

Checking back to see if there was an update....

Hope all is ok with you. We're all here if you need us