How do you know when it's over?

justme111

marisco wrote: »

OP the way you feel about your husband and your marriage in general is not how I personally would view a 'normal', healthy and strong relationship in all honesty. I cant help but think you are planning to bide your time till you are in a stronger position, with a degree behind you and the children a bit older, before re-assessing how you feel and then deciding whether to stay with him or not. That approach comes across as you looking after your own self interests rather than focussing on what is best for you both individually and as a family unit.

So what she should have done different if she was looking after a family?

marisco_2

justme111 wrote: »

So what she should have done different if she was looking after a family?

The OP should sit down with her husband and tell him exactly how she is feeling. Till she does that none of the original problems and issues they have are going to get resolved and they risk drifting further and further apart. Once everything is out in the open it is then up to the two of them to decide how they proceed and raise their children between them.

justme111

marisco wrote: »

The OP should sit down with her husband and tell him exactly how she is feeling. Till she does that none of the original problems and issues they have are going to get resolved and they risk drifting further and further apart. Once everything is out in the open it is then up to the two of them to decide how they proceed and raise their children between them.

Well , I take it she has told him already. What do you suggest she does now?

vodkachick68

I was with my ex hubby for 16 years. I realised after about 10 years that I no longer loved him. We did talk in detail and I admitted that I wasn't in love with him and him me. We went on for another 5 years in the "marriage" and come the end I was desperately unhappy. We slept in separate beds and the thought of having sex with him repulsed me! I always thought that I had no sex drive lol. Fourteen months ago I met my childhood sweetheart in a pub and it was realised I still loved him and he felt the same,i decided to end my marriage and it was the best thing I ever did. I am still with my boyfriend and really happily madly in love with him and our sex life is fantastic!! What i'm saying is life is too short to stay with someone you are not happy with. If the spark has gone and you are looking at other men then there is obviously something not right in your marriage. Hope it all works out for you:)

irishjohn

madison-nyc wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what your saying and it's the fear of making the wrong decision that's keeping me here. If this is 'normal' and just life then I don't want to break the family up for the sake of it. I start my degree in sept and will have a busy three years. I think my plan right now is to get through my degree, kids will be that much older, then re-assess how I feel.Couldn't agree more with what you said about all the 'put the spark back in' posts, if I don't fancy him not quite sure how that will change with some new undies or a night in a hotel etc.?! definately doesn't work!

Sorry but this really made me feel that OP is going to consider spending the next three years more or less sidelining her husband and focussing on "her degree" and "her kids" and once that is all ticked off as complete she will once again look and see if she by some miracle has the hots for hubby again.

This makes me feel that there is little hope for the relationship and the poor guy will still be sent packing three years down the line. The only reasons for delaying the inevitable would seem to be based on the OP achieving her singular goals and wanting the security of her husband till they are completed.

My advice is - unless you are confident in your own mind that you want to resurrect the relationship - there is no point in delaying its end. Separating now may impact on those plans of yours but thats the downside of breaking up - there are sacrifices to be made on both sides. Remember - if this relationship is failing there are tow people causing it to fail, not just one, and it is unfair to string him along and not be open and honest - you could not be if you are biding your time for 3 years.

I remember my niece deciding to call off her engagement and leave her partner. She decided in May and told her family. She then waited until the holiday with her partner and his family had come and gone, and her birthday had come and gone, and her present received, and then told him and moved out within days. He hadn't a clue.

Its quite easy for a guy, when assured that everything is fine and all back to normal, that it really isn't - part of it down to our blinkers but part of it down to our partners being miserly with the truth and open and honest talking.

justme111

irishjohn wrote: »

Sorry but this really made me feel that OP is going to consider spending the next three years more or less sidelining her husband and focussing on "her degree" and "her kids" and once that is all ticked off as complete she will once again look and see if she by some miracle has the hots for hubby again.

This makes me feel that there is little hope for the relationship and the poor guy will still be sent packing three years down the line. The only reasons for delaying the inevitable would seem to be based on the OP achieving her singular goals and wanting the security of her husband till they are completed.

My advice is - unless you are confident in your own mind that you want to resurrect the relationship - there is no point in delaying its end. Separating now may impact on those plans of yours but thats the downside of breaking up - there are sacrifices to be made on both sides. Remember - if this relationship is failing there are tow people causing it to fail, not just one, and it is unfair to string him along and not be open and honest - you could not be if you are biding your time for 3 years.

I remember my niece deciding to call off her engagement and leave her partner. She decided in May and told her family. She then waited until the holiday with her partner and his family had come and gone, and her birthday had come and gone, and her present received, and then told him and moved out within days. He hadn't a clue.

Its quite easy for a guy, when assured that everything is fine and all back to
normal, that it really isn't - part of it down to our blinkers but part of it down to our partners being miserly with the truth and open and honest talking.

Not sure what you mean by op misleading her husband. It's not as if he did not know they have sex once in 3 months or they don't talk. She told him she was not hsppy about it as well - what has she actually hidden ?

I do not see why he is any.more poor than she is , specially keeping in mind he basically ignores her when she tried to discuss issue with him.

C_Mababejive

Leaving aside all the rest of it,from a male perspective it would be degrading for me to get physical with my partner just a couple of times a year just to keep me quiet and to stop me "mithering" her. Id rather not bother. I think you both need to call it a day before more damage is done as it surely will be. At least leave his self respect and pride intact.

justme111

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Leaving aside all the rest of it,from a male perspective it would be degrading for me to get physical with my partner just a couple of times a year just to keep me quiet and to stop me "mithering" her. Id rather not bother. I think you both need to call it a day before more damage is done as it surely will be. At least leave his self respect and pride intact.

Excuse me bit he is a grown up and surely he has right and capability to do what he thinks fit and not hold her responsible for doing it for him. You subtly degrading him in this message assuming the op should look after his pride and self respect.

Agreed on it being degrading situation though , well not nice things happen in life and they may get through it , they may have a chance , I guess we all been in.humiliating situations that we kept for various reason thatight been right ..

Kynthia

Many marriages can be saved and made happy again with some work. However what many people do is carry on and suffer in silence until it reaches a point where they can't take it any more and then end things. OP I know you have said something to your husband but then say you love him back when he says it and you've stayed, so there's no actions by either of you. Book an appointment at Relate. It really helped a friend of mine and a professional means you will actually address your issues and be set tasks so action will happen. It might even help you to end things if it is over, but at least that's action too and better than plodding along unhappy for years.

irishjohn

justme111 wrote: »

Not sure what you mean by op misleading her husband. It's not as if he did not know they have sex once in 3 months or they don't talk. She told him she was not hsppy about it as well - what has she actually hidden ?

I do not see why he is any.more poor than she is , specially keeping in mind he basically ignores her when she tried to discuss issue with him.

I think they are both hiding away from the problem and not facing up to it - she has said she has told him she does not love him any more, she avoids intimacy, and he after telling her he did not realise all this and that she is his world he sticks his head back in the sand and they both continue to plod along. The plodding along makes the bloke think that the situation is resolved, the wife, meantime is thinking, OK lets get my degree started and completed and the children grown a bit and then in three years IF (or in her mind WHEN) I still don't love/fancy him I will kick him out. He will be three years older and alone.

Why is OP making a long term plan to end the relationship, because that's how it reads to me. Cut the ties and get on with it - and give the bloke a chance of a fresh start with someone else.