How do you know when it's over?

Pixiechic

If you are unhappy in the relationship and dont think you love your DH, yet tell him that you do love him and then tell him you dont love him, must be very confusing for him, if not heartbreaking.

Your husband sounds like he loves you and wants to make the marriage work. You have to make a decision, either work on your marriage or leave. If you carry on as you are, you may well hurt your husband and children anyway.

I don't think that it is fair of you to tell him that you don't love him and then keep staying with him. It's hurtful, especially as you are obviously looking elsewhere and have no sexual attraction towards him.

madison-nyc

My main reason for not making the decison to leave is that fear that this is just the 'grass is always' greener situation happening here. He is a perfect dad to the kids, will do anything for me, works hard, has never raised his voice to me, is trustworthy etc. etc. he is to all intents and purposes a 'perfect' husband and many of my friends are jealous of how good he is. So the thought of leaving and being the main carer of the kids does scare me, incase it's the wrong decsion and I don't end up any happier?! But until I do it how do I know? so hard.....

I've check moneywise where I will stand and between uni grants, maintenance loans with a top up of tax credits, we would be ok. It is do-able if it came to us seperating.

Pixiechic

madison-nyc wrote: »

He mithers me for sex and has made comments about me only having sex with him when I'm drunk so it must be playing on his mind too. I think he's just burying his head in the sand maybe and he thinks I'm being unreasonable so just brushes it off in the hope I'll plod on for another few years. Relate might be worth a try, he ain't the chatty sort though so not sure how it would go :0/

Not much of a marriage for him either though is it?

It sounds to me like you are the one burying your head in the sand as you are the one who is unhappy yet seemingly unwilling to do anything about it. What do you expect him to do?

Are you waiting for him to stop being 'oblivious' (to a situation that you have not properly communicated to him) in the hope that he will end it because you don't want to look like 'the evil witch'?

Bennifred

I think you should get outside help from Relate - it will hopefully help to clarify your relationship, and help with the discussions you and your husband need to have. Even if your relationship is not saved, talking it all through with input from a trained counsellor may help both of you in the long term.

madison-nyc

Pixiechic wrote: »

Not much of a marriage for him either though is it?

It sounds to me like you are the one burying your head in the sand as you are the one who is unhappy yet seemingly unwilling to do anything about it. What do you expect him to do?

Are you waiting for him to stop being 'oblivious' (to a situation that you have not properly communicated to him) in the hope that he will end it because you don't want to look like 'the evil witch'?

Well he could talk to me for one. when I have tried to talk to him about the situation we are in, instead of him insisting that he's happy and all is fine and I should be happy too. I try to talk through all the ins and outs, so to speak, but he sits in silence. I make suggestions about how to try and improve our marriage, on both our parts, he's agrees then two days later it's like our conversations have never happened?! The breakdown of commuication, lack of effort etc is from both our sides, not just mine!

Pixiechic

madison-nyc wrote: »

Well he could talk to me for one. when I have tried to talk to him about the situation we are in, instead of him insisting that he's happy and all is fine and I should be happy too. I try to talk through all the ins and outs, so to speak, but he sits in silence. I make suggestions about how to try and improve our marriage, on both our parts, he's agrees then two days later it's like our conversations have never happened?! The breakdown of commuication, lack of effort etc is from both our sides, not just mine!

Okay, fair points.

So, although going to relate won't solve everything overnight, if you did go together and he started listening and acting, to improve the relationship, would you be positive about staying?

Or, do you feel that you just don't love him anymore?

madison-nyc

Pixiechic wrote: »

Okay, fair points.

So, although going to relate won't solve everything overnight, if you did go together and he started listening and acting, to improve the relationship, would you be positive about staying?

Or, do you feel that you just don't love him anymore?

I would work at the marriage and stay. I don't want to break up if it can be prevented, I wonder if a lot of what I feel is just the stresses on work,college, sleep depriving kids! lol, life in general. maybe this is just how it is? I'll try and talk with him....

Pixiechic

madison-nyc wrote: »

I would work at the marriage and stay. I don't want to break up if it can be prevented, I wonder if a lot of what I feel is just the stresses on work,college, sleep depriving kids! lol, life in general. maybe this is just how it is? I'll try and talk with him....

Sounds like relate could be a great option then.

'Maybe this is just how it is?'. No, this is just how you both choose to make it.

But, chatting to other men online won't help in anyway, so stop doing that.

Sit him down, have the talk and decide together. I hope it works out.

marisco_2

Good communication is as much about having a willingness to listen and to take on board each others opinions and points of view as it is talking.

I really hope that when you approach your husband and try to sort this situation out that you both end up feeling heard, can work together to address everything, compromise and find a solution which works for both of you, so that you can move forward from this point happily.

MrsDrink

lika_86 wrote: »

All very well and good for you to consider leaving a stable, albeit not great relationship but have you considered whether your life will really be better?

You work part-time and study part-time, presumably this means that living alone (possibly with your two young children) would be tight financially, you don't have any equity in your property as it's rented so unless you have significant savings, the next few years are likely to be difficult. If you had custody of the children, would you be able to sort out childcare so you could still work and go to university? Also it's easy to look at other men on a night out but how many are actually sensible prospects?

I'm not saying you shouldn't be considering all options but the grass very often seems much greener on the other side.

But even if all that happened - surely it's better to be single and 'open' than trapped in a unhappy marriage? And then there is her husband - at one time she loved him, surely he deserves the chance to be happy again (they both do).

(I'm not saying you should leave Madison, just that you shouldn't leave if the alternate is the only thing stopping you. I think marisco has said it all. x)