How do you know when it's over?

justme111

irishjohn wrote: »

I think they are both hiding away from the problem and not facing up to it - she has said she has told him she does not love him any more, she avoids intimacy, and he after telling her he did not realise all this and that she is his world he sticks his head back in the sand and they both continue to plod along. The plodding along makes the bloke think that the situation is resolved, the wife, meantime is thinking, OK lets get my degree started and completed and the children grown a bit and then in three years IF (or in her mind WHEN) I still don't love/fancy him I will kick him out. He will be three years older and alone.

Why is OP making a long term plan to end the relationship, because that's how it reads to me. Cut the ties and get on with it - and give the bloke a chance of a fresh start with someone else.


if the bloke wants a fresh strat he may as well cut the ties himself , he is a consenting adult , why you talking about him as if he was a pawn.
If he choses to think everything is great just because his wife has not divorced him after she told him it is not its his choice , why making her responsible for it. The situation is "its not good but I don't dare to split and I hope it may become better", he knows it , if he choses to believe whatever else its hos choice and responsibility.
As someone else said there are chances of saving it , they may be coming through s rough patch , why break it all , breaking is far easier than building. They are very busy with young children , its very taxing , not a good time to take massive decisions Luke that.

415SanFran

Have you tried turning off the computers and phones for just one night and talking about nothing, it sounds like you are living with a stranger, or at best a good friend.
Men hate the "deep" conversations, but if it starts with, what have you done today, or something about the kids then they are more open to just "talk". You might just get to know each other again and remember why you married him in the first place.
Do you guys ever go out together without the kids? Or even with the kids for the day, don't you talk when they go off to play?
If you only talk when you have something serious to say, that is why he is shutting down. He see's it all as you complaining. So start having the light hearted conversations again, like when you were dating.
Have you thought of complimenting him now and then or just a simple thank you, if he has cooked a nice dinner.
While you are on your phone flirting and it crossed your mind that he is on the computer doing exatly the same thing!

Amanda65

A friend was in a similar situation and eventually left her husband after several conversations where she sat and told him she was unhappy and worried that they did so little together that their marriage was on the brink - his response was 'I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about' and making her a cup of tea every so often.

7 years on she is married to the man she left her ex for, with another child and the ex is STILL saying he has no idea what went wrong in their marriage!

OP - do you WANT your marriage to work? Do you think you could love your OH again if a bit of effort was put in by you both? It does come across as a little selfish that you want to get your degree out of the way (and presumably your OH will be needed for childcare when at uni / doing uni work) and then plan to move on to better things. I think you owe it to your children to put the Iphones/ computers away at night and try and really spend time together talking. Go to counselling if necessary to help your OH focus on the problem - and then if you can't pull it back, work out a solution for you all to move forward in a way that is best for your children, you and OH.

Scorpio33

justme111 wrote: »

if the bloke wants a fresh strat he may as well cut the ties himself , he is a consenting adult , why you talking about him as if he was a pawn.
If he choses to think everything is great just because his wife has not divorced him after she told him it is not its his choice , why making her responsible for it. The situation is "its not good but I don't dare to split and I hope it may become better", he knows it , if he choses to believe whatever else its hos choice and responsibility.
As someone else said there are chances of saving it , they may be coming through s rough patch , why break it all , breaking is far easier than building. They are very busy with young children , its very taxing , not a good time to take massive decisions Luke that.

Sorry but you are wrong.

The bloke clearly doesn't want a fresh start - he wants to save his marriage. She raises issues with him, but as things appear normal after, he would think that everything is ok. He can't see that there are any issues in the marriage.

The thing is women often have a higher emotional intelligence. They know when things are not ok, where as blokes take things more literal - if you act like all is ok, then we think it is ok.

OK, so you could question the lack of sex and he probably thinks about that, but then again he is probably thinking that her sex drive has gone down and there is not much he can do about it.

He probably can't see the marriage is in danger.

The OP has discussed things, but he clearly didn't get the message - and that is probably due to a combination of the OP not communicating clearly enough as well as him not listening well enough.

Either way, he probably thinks things are OK, where as she is thinking of ending the relationship.

I urge the OP to insist on relate counselling and tell her OH this is last chance saloon - and if that doesn't work, then end the marriage now. Planning to "reassess" in three years time does give the impression that she is not fully committed to the relationship in its current state, so why would she think anything would change within 3 years with no action, apart from her personal situation? Seems like she is waiting for a better time for her to end it, which is selfish.

Both people in the relationship are responsible for the current situation - but he clearly can't see an issue, so if the OP does, she needs to take action now.

I think Einstein said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The OP needs to do something different to change the situation - and if that is not talking to her OH, then I suggest relate.

CH27

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Sorry but you are wrong.

The bloke clearly doesn't want a fresh start - he wants to save his marriage. She raises issues with him, but as things appear normal after, he would think that everything is ok. He can't see that there are any issues in the marriage.

The thing is women often have a higher emotional intelligence. They know when things are not ok, where as blokes take things more literal - if you act like all is ok, then we think it is ok.

OK, so you could question the lack of sex and he probably thinks about that, but then again he is probably thinking that her sex drive has gone down and there is not much he can do about it.

He probably can't see the marriage is in danger.

The OP has discussed things, but he clearly didn't get the message - and that is probably due to a combination of the OP not communicating clearly enough as well as him not listening well enough.

Either way, he probably thinks things are OK, where as she is thinking of ending the relationship.

I urge the OP to insist on relate counselling and tell her OH this is last chance saloon - and if that doesn't work, then end the marriage now. Planning to "reassess" in three years time does give the impression that she is not fully committed to the relationship in its current state, so why would she think anything would change within 3 years with no action, apart from her personal situation? Seems like she is waiting for a better time for her to end it, which is selfish.

Both people in the relationship are responsible for the current situation - but he clearly can't see an issue, so if the OP does, she needs to take action now.

I think Einstein said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The OP needs to do something different to change the situation - and if that is not talking to her OH, then I suggest relate.

Yes! Excellent advice.

Orlando_Virgin

I was on a course at work the other day and amongst all the usual cliches was the classic:-

"If you don't change anything, nothing will change"

And it's so, so true. I'm not going to make as bold a statement as to say, "leave", relationships are so complex and difficult, but so often on here the problems you read are down to a massive lack of communication. I know it's extremely difficult to turn around and say "Hey, I may not love you anymore!", but just start off with the basics about your unhappiness.

For what it's worth, you and your partner both sound like decent, hard working people who have good values. From what you have posted already though, it SOUNDS like you have fallen out of love with him. If that's the case, and this is only my opinion, then it's impossible to get back.

If that isn't the case and you've just lost something you may be able to get back, then try, whether that be through relate I don't know.

One last thing, talking to other men online isn't the answer. It won't solve anything and it shows a lack of respect to the man who is still a good father to your children, and still cares about you a great deal, even if he isn't the guy for you.

justme111

One who does not want to see is not going to see. It is difficult enough to have to bring the issue once abd when the person who you bring the issue with shuts you down one does not feel like pullingng the cart alone while other plain refuses to acknowledge there is a cart at all.
She done her due , she told him. When and whether she choses to act on information is up to her , she does not owe him to act on it now.

Once 3 years go by life is going to be different and they will have a chance at reconnecting.

Op , as folk said above , you partake in it and you yourself are sat on phone. It is difficult to do something while other part does not even acknowledge there is an issue. It may be worth it though , I am sure he would thank you for it later. I am sure he has other strengthes that you do not posses , try not to resent him

Scorpio33

justme111 wrote: »

One who does not want to see is not going to see. It is difficult enough to have to bring the issue once abd when the person who you bring the issue with shuts you down one does not feel like pullingng the cart alone while other plain refuses to acknowledge there is a cart at all.
She done her due , she told him. When and whether she choses to act on information is up to her , she does not owe him to act on it now.

Once 3 years go by life is going to be different and they will have a chance at reconnecting.

Op , as folk said above , you partake in it and you yourself are sat on phone. It is difficult to do something while other part does not even acknowledge there is an issue. It may be worth it though , I am sure he would thank you for it later. I am sure he has other strengthes that you do not posses , try not to resent him

BIB1 - How do you know he does not want to see? He may want to see, but it may be the way she communicates things which means he can't see?

BIB2 - No, she does not owe him to do anything now, but if she wants her marriage to work, then something needs to change, and ignoring the issue is not going to change anything

BIB3 - How do you know they will have a chance of reconnecting in 3 years time? Unless something changes, they will still be in the same situation, with 3 years more of resentment - and by then what little there is between these two will be gone.


If something needs to change, then change it.

If you do nothing and wait three years, then you are saying nothing is wrong.

Bazey

madison-nyc wrote: »

As the title says, how do you know when your marriage/relationship is over?

I normally realise it's over when the say to me "I've had enough of you, I'm leaving"

Scorpio33

One thing I would say to the OP is that the fact you are asking for advice means that you still have some feelings for your OH. This means the relationship is not over yet, but it is heading that way.

The thing you need to ask yourself is if you think the marriage is worth the effort in saving.

My guess is that you do want to save the marriage, but you are unsure as to how to go about this as every discussion in the past hasn't changed anything.

So I would suggest relate - they help you communicate better with your OH and may lead to a break up if things can't be resolved, but at least that way you have made an effort into saving something you want to save.

The moment you couldn't care less is the moment your marriage is over...