How do you know when it's over?

Guest101

Also consider his position, clearly works hard to provide for you and your children, clearly loves you otherwise you'd be split up by now, and clearly does not want to end things.

What are you expecting from him? Is it his fault you don't find him attractive anymore, has he changed or have your opinions changed?

Humans are not mind readers, and I don't think you're being completely honest with him, or yourself.

You're worried what others will think of you, so you tell him you love him. Doesn't that sound horrible?

I'm not saying your horrible, your probably lovely, just typing the way i see it. Hope it works out for you

FBaby

If you were able to spend two weeks on holiday together, without feeling you can't stand him any longer, all hopes is not yet lost! I feel for you and your frustration in trying to breach the subject and getting nothing from him as clearly, this is the only way you can make things better and you need him to open up and communicate properly.

Relate does therefore seem the only way forward. He needs to understand that this is very much a last resort decision to try to save the marriage as although this is what you want most of all, staying in the relationship as it is now is not sustainable and burying his head will only delay the inevitable otherwise.

irishjohn

I am wondering if the main problem here is that in your marriage the passion of the early days of your relationship has disappeared, as it does in every relationship. In the relationships where the couple recognise that this will happen, and where they look to other facets of the relationship, then they can continue to rub along fairly well.

But as you state your eyes wander when you are out with the girls, so you are possibly bored with your hubby and looking for a new adventure, not unlike wanting a new outfit. Sometimes people don't go buy the new outfit but give the old one a makeover and a new lease of life. Maybe the relationship needs a makeover. Do you go out with hubby in the same way as you go out with the girls, and get a bit merry with him? Maybe a night out with him would have to be a different sort of night out, doing something together which will give you both a new interest in one another?

He sounds as if he has fallen into a well of contentment, apart from lack of sex, and he may well be compensating for that by using visual stimulation online and getting off on it - as mos t of us have at some time in our lives.

I would urge you to try and see if you can make things work again, but you have to talk truthfully and be willing to really try re-capturing your urges for each other - it will be better in the long run than making the next few years difficult all round as everyone splits up and readjusts to separation and all it brings with it, lack of finance, difficulty in planning things as a single parent, children moving between two homes, grandparents seeing less of children, getting used to new partners who, nice as they are, are not Mum or Dad.

Good for you to ask advice, hope you can look again at him and ignite a spark again.

ostrichnomore_2

If you think there's still love there deep down - and love over time changes from the exciting first stages to a quieter more contented feeling - then talk to your husband and see if you can fix things.

But if you really feel you don't love him any more, then don't waste the next ten years of your life in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, just because it seems easier than making a fresh start, only to have your life die out bit by bit in that 'not good enough to be happy, not bad enough to leave' rut. That's what I've learned the hard way.

paulineb_2

madison-nyc wrote: »

As the title says, how do you know when your marriage/relationship is over?

To sum up, I've been with dh for 8 1/2 years, married for 7. Two kids aged 6 and 3. Hubby works full time, I work 14 hours a week plus 3 days a week in college. Starting uni in september, hours will be roughly the same. We live in a private rented house.

We don't argue, we've just come back from a two week holiday and by and large we 'get on', he says he loves me and I answer because I feel I should. We only have sex if I've been out with the girls and come home tipsy, this only happens every 3-4 months maybe. I don't want to have sex with him if I am sober, just no urge too. If the kids aren't with us we sit in silence, each on our iphones/laptops etc.

I just don't think I love him anymore. I have told him this approx 3 years ago again around 18months ago. we talk, a little, he says I'll break his world if we split and I have the kids with me etc. So we plod on for another year or so before I feel like i'm going to explode and we go though it all again :0/

I feel my eye wandering when I'm out with the girls and have spoken to other men online, no intention of meeting them but i know the fact that I'm talking and looking is not a sign of a good marriage.

I'm so confused, I talk myself round in circles in my head. Just don't know what to do for the best and I'm scared of hurting everyone just because I don't love him. Should I shut and put up for the sake of him and the kids?

*just to add, dh is my first love as such, hadn't dated anyone for more than a month before him so I've never had a break up really and never loved anyone else so I have nothing else to comapre to.

If you didnt love him why did you have a second child with him?

Also, until you decide what you want to do, get offline and stop talking to other men. I presume you mean on dating sites?

Irrespective of how you feel about him, its really disrespectful to your husband.

And you are right, there are kids involved as well, so if you are going to split, you owe it to one another to try and do it with the least disruption possible to the children.

Have you told these men you are talking to online that you have two kids and a husband?

pops5588

People/relationships do change, maybe your feelings have shifted and maybe counseling will remedy it, maybe it won't, but surely that's worth a shot.
Completely agree with other posters that being open, honest and communicating with your husband is the only way to fix this situation, suffering in silence won't do either of you any favours.

I don't have much life experience in terms of marriage and children, but I do in terms of my parents' divorce. It isn't wise to pursue this 'talking to men online' thing. It doesn't help the situation and if it ever came out the sense of betrayal is enormous. It's very painful, from a child's POV. I can't tell you how many angry emails I sent to Friends Reunited when my father left (that's where his affair with his now wife began). Don't judge too harshly, I was only 12/13!

You have said that he is an amazing father to your children. Again, please don't forget that if the worst comes to the worst and you part ways. The second any separation/divorce becomes about who can chuck the biggest bricks at the other, the people you truly damage and hurt in the long-run are your children.

Good luck, whatever happens.

pearl123

With having such young children I'd say trying and put a spark back into your relationship with your husband. (Unless he really does repulse you! )

DKLS

For me it when I woke up one morning after 12 years and came to the conclusion I didnt love my partner any more.

System

Its over when you realize that you just don't care about them anymore.

justme111

In part and may be even most of it must be daily grind , you are very busy with work study and young kids, you are right. He dies not do anything in particular to put you off , you just gone off him. I bet annoyance at him brushing your concerns off plays part to. If you were able him to get to listen to you you might have felt reconnected. To people who advise "to put spark into relatiinship" - it is impossible to do consciously , if it'd not there its not there whether you put on New basque or not . Even worse , trying to spice it artificially rubs it into everyone's faces it is lacking. I would advise changing life circumstances so there is a chance in a particular combination of those for things to click into places again. I don't know , reading books , starting New hobby , etc etc. Difficult with young kids though. I think you put pressure on yourself and husband to feel a particular way , of course would be better if you did but if you do not then may be just accept situation as it is for the time being , let's say 2 years until kids are older , life will change then and you will be able to review it. Kids are young , you can not have.it all , don't put yourself under pressure feeling you two are somehow inadequate for not having it all , you are very busy, bad time for decisions. I know you want it all and now , life is not like that though. Believe me , a couple of years will whizz by , concentrate on kids .Please please remember to respect your husband at all times , familiarity brings contempt , don't fall into that trap. You do nit want him physically , nothing can be done about it but being nice and courteous to him can be , so that after a couple of years go by , you are in a different place and can reconnect with him you do not find the site burnt out and deserted due to offputting behavior.