How do you know when it's over?

madison-nyc

As the title says, how do you know when your marriage/relationship is over?

To sum up, I've been with dh for 8 1/2 years, married for 7. Two kids aged 6 and 3. Hubby works full time, I work 14 hours a week plus 3 days a week in college. Starting uni in september, hours will be roughly the same. We live in a private rented house.

We don't argue, we've just come back from a two week holiday and by and large we 'get on', he says he loves me and I answer because I feel I should. We only have sex if I've been out with the girls and come home tipsy, this only happens every 3-4 months maybe. I don't want to have sex with him if I am sober, just no urge too. If the kids aren't with us we sit in silence, each on our iphones/laptops etc.

I just don't think I love him anymore. I have told him this approx 3 years ago again around 18months ago. we talk, a little, he says I'll break his world if we split and I have the kids with me etc. So we plod on for another year or so before I feel like i'm going to explode and we go though it all again :0/

I feel my eye wandering when I'm out with the girls and have spoken to other men online, no intention of meeting them but i know the fact that I'm talking and looking is not a sign of a good marriage.

I'm so confused, I talk myself round in circles in my head. Just don't know what to do for the best and I'm scared of hurting everyone just because I don't love him. Should I shut and put up for the sake of him and the kids?

*just to add, dh is my first love as such, hadn't dated anyone for more than a month before him so I've never had a break up really and never loved anyone else so I have nothing else to comapre to.

DUTR

There is no text book theory for a relationship, as everybody has their own unique needs and personality.
Doesn't sound good for either of you, kids or not, I would have left ages ago.

madison-nyc

Thing that makes it worse is he's so oblivious to it all. The last two times I've cracked, and said I can't do this anymore, he seems genuinely shocked and basically says that I'm expecting too much?! That he works hard, helps loads with the kids, we have nice holidays etc. so I should be happy. How can he think it's normal that we only have sex 3/4 times a year?! I'm just so scared of hurting the kids, I know if handled properly they'll be fine but still, if I instigate a break up in the eyes of family etc. I'll be the evil witch!

krlyr

Taking sex out of the equation, how do you feel about it? Sex doesn't necessarily equal love, and love doesn't equal sex.
Maybe it's just another reason in a long list of problems in your relationship but if it's the only issue then I would consider exploring other reasons for the lack of sex/libido. For example, some birth control can impact on your libido a lot, in either direction. It can be a side effect of some other medications, or a symptom of a medical condition. It could be physical (does it hurt/feel uncomfortable for you, and put you off?) or mental (perhaps you've developed a negative association, for some reason).

Would you consider something like Relate? http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

madison-nyc

The last time this all came up I did actually book an appointment with relate but it's was a month or so ahead and I'd decided to plod on so cancelled it. I would consider it but if the issue is that I don't love him, I'm not sure relate could change. As for libido, I do have one, just don't want to have sex with him :0/

DUTR

madison-nyc wrote: »

Thing that makes it worse is he's so oblivious to it all. The last two times I've cracked, and said I can't do this anymore, he seems genuinely shocked and basically says that I'm expecting too much?! That he works hard, helps loads with the kids, we have nice holidays etc. so I should be happy. How can he think it's normal that we only have sex 3/4 times a year?! I'm just so scared of hurting the kids, I know if handled properly they'll be fine but still, if I instigate a break up in the eyes of family etc. I'll be the evil witch!

I can identify with some of it, as the other poster mentions , sex is not all, (however for me it's 50% of why I'm there and the 1st 50%) but everybody is different. Material things are just that, I know couples who struggle financially but they are content and happy, whereas there are also couples living the millionaire lifestyle and unhappy. Perhaps a marital counselling session for the two of you may do good?

madison-nyc

He mithers me for sex and has made comments about me only having sex with him when I'm drunk so it must be playing on his mind too. I think he's just burying his head in the sand maybe and he thinks I'm being unreasonable so just brushes it off in the hope I'll plod on for another few years. Relate might be worth a try, he ain't the chatty sort though so not sure how it would go :0/

marisco_2

Communication seems to have broken down between yourself and your husband completely and you two are drifting apart. It comes across to me that you are both scared of fully addressing the problems that you have. I say this because you advise us that you have told him on a couple of occasions that you don't love him any more. That kind of admission from a spouse would normally cause devestation and a real desire to talk things through in depth and try to resolve all the problems and issues. If these can be resolved then a couple can move on stronger, or if they cant be fixed then there would need to be considered thought given to counselling or parting. Within your marriage though you talk about it a little and then plod on, till you feel you cant go on and repeat this pattern again. That is not a healthy way to continue for either of you.

You admit to not being in love any more with the man you share your life with on here. When he says he loves you, you respond because you feel you should, but you are not being honest with your husband about your true feelings. You are simply just going through the motions, not expressing any genuine depth of feeling and have no real connection to him. This will be sending him very mixed messages and probably leaves him in a state of confusion. You don't feel able to talk to each other about important things or even just in the day to day, having reached the stage where you both sit in silence absorbed in your phones or laptops. There is little to no sexual chemistry or attraction between you any more. Such is your lack of feeling toward your husband and your commitment to your marriage that your eye has begun to wonder and you are chatting to and looking at other men. To do that indicates to me that you don't love, value or respect your husband at all. If you don't address things soon, then I do worry that you may choose to pursue this further. That action could cause a great deal of harm and upset to your family.

For your sake, your husbands and your children's I honestly think you two need to have a frank and open discussion about exactly where you are at and what you both want from the future. To shut up and put up and just muddle on as you are wont work long term and could end up being so detrimental to the wellbeing of you all.

madison-nyc

marisco wrote: »

Communication seems to have broken down between yourself and your husband completely and you two are drifting apart. It comes across to me that you are both scared of fully addressing the problems that you have. I say this because you advise us that you have told him on a couple of occasions that you don't love him any more. That kind of admission from a spouse would normally cause devestation and a real desire to talk things through in depth and try to resolve all the problems and issues. If these can be resolved then a couple can move on stronger, or if they cant be fixed then there would need to be considered thought given to counselling or parting. Within your marriage though you talk about it a little and then plod on, till you feel you cant go on and repeat this pattern again. That is not a healthy way to continue for either of you.

You admit to not being in love with the man you share your life with. When he says he loves you respond because you feel you should. OP that is you just going through the motions, not expressing any depth of feeling or having a connection to your husband. You don't feel able to talk to him about important things or even just in the day to day, having reached the stage where you each sit in silence absorbed in your phones or laptops. There is little to no sexual chemistry or attraction between you any more. Such is your lack of feeling toward your husband and your commitment to your marriage that your eye has begun to wonder and you are chatting to and looking at other men. To do that indicates to me that you don't value or respect your husband any more. If you don't address things soon, then I do worry that you may choose to pursue this further. That action could cause a great deal of harm and upset to your family.

For your sake, your husbands and your children's I honestly think you two need to have a frank and open discussion about exactly where you are at and what you both want from the future. To shut up and put up and just muddle on as you are wont work long term and could end up being so detrimental to the wellbeing of you all.

Thanl you, I'm crying reading your post because I know it's all so true. I will talk with him and decide how we need to go forward, whether it be together or seperate. I can't live like this indefinately.

lika_86

All very well and good for you to consider leaving a stable, albeit not great relationship but have you considered whether your life will really be better?

You work part-time and study part-time, presumably this means that living alone (possibly with your two young children) would be tight financially, you don't have any equity in your property as it's rented so unless you have significant savings, the next few years are likely to be difficult. If you had custody of the children, would you be able to sort out childcare so you could still work and go to university? Also it's easy to look at other men on a night out but how many are actually sensible prospects?

I'm not saying you shouldn't be considering all options but the grass very often seems much greener on the other side.

marisco_2

I am very sorry if I upset you, that was not my intention. I don't wish to judge you at all and I respect that you are in a very difficult place right now. I just wanted to say things as I saw them from your disclosures, so as to give you a different perspective. Sometimes it is easier to see where things are at when you are on the outside looking in and not emotionally involved. All the best to you and I hope you will be okay.