How do you know when it's over?

Scorpio33

To the OP - from reading your post I see similarities in my relationship with my wife. Married for 6 years, together for 9 years, one child. From my perspective, we are extremely happy. Not perfect, but then life isn't perfect. At times I worry that my wife doesn't love me - and I think that due to the way she acts, you can tell when someone isn't fully into you. But then I think well she tells me she Loves me and doesn't say anything to me about concerns she may have, so she must Love me and must be happy - and it must just be my own insucurities playing tricks on me.

So what I would ask you is - what is it you would like your husband to do? How would you like him to change? This will help you understand what it is that you need to speak to him about, but also may help me understand my situation a bit better.

I guess what I am pointing at is what is it that is missing? How would your perfect marriage look like?

The key is communication I agree, but unless you have things straight in your head, it is difficult to talk openly about these things to your husband.

justme111

Scorpio , I am a woman and used to be married so I will take the liberty of replying to your question as well.

Remember how you related to tour wife when you just met ? Any difference to how it is now ? There you have your answer.
When people used to yap putting the world right with a glass of wine before but now talk limited to "what's for dinner". When the last time you fancied your wife undressed and done something about it other than in a bedroom at scheduled hour ? When you baked her a cake or bought her flowers , not as a tick box on birthday but just because ? When have you last complimented her on her favourite jeans look or facial expression. Done something without a child together , like a cycling weekend or whatever else she enjoys ?

aileth

You're obviously worried about sex and it's different for everyone. I'm really not fussed and my OH doesn't bother me for it because that's how I am and he respects that. I think the real difficulty you have is that you want sex, just not from him. I think that's a massive alarm bell. I couldn't imagine sex with anyone else, I'm just not bothered and don't want it!

Edit: I'll also add that because things aren't really exciting and maybe 'flowing' along rather boringly, that doesn't mean it's over. You need to think, "What would I feel if OH was gone?" If it breaks your heart, it's not over. If you don't feel anything, that's a very strong sign. Me and OH are at our most comfortable bobbing along, but I couldn't imagine being without him, and we always do little things for each other, like I bake for him and he does chores without being nagged!

madison-nyc

paulineb wrote: »

If you didnt love him why did you have a second child with him?

Also, until you decide what you want to do, get offline and stop talking to other men. I presume you mean on dating sites?

Irrespective of how you feel about him, its really disrespectful to your husband.

And you are right, there are kids involved as well, so if you are going to split, you owe it to one another to try and do it with the least disruption possible to the children.

Have you told these men you are talking to online that you have two kids and a husband?

You presumed wrong, I haven't been on dating sites, I was referring to facebook and a couple of old friends that I went to school with. Just flirty chat, no more than that, and yes, they know full well that i'm married with two children.

madison-nyc

Judi wrote: »

Its over when you realize that you just don't care about them anymore.

This is how I'm beginning to feel, the more time that goes by, the less I care and the more perminanetly irritated I become in his company :0/

madison-nyc

justme111 wrote: »

In part and may be even most of it must be daily grind , you are very busy with work study and young kids, you are right. He dies not do anything in particular to put you off , you just gone off him. I bet annoyance at him brushing your concerns off plays part to. If you were able him to get to listen to you you might have felt reconnected. To people who advise "to put spark into relatiinship" - it is impossible to do consciously , if it'd not there its not there whether you put on New basque or not . Even worse , trying to spice it artificially rubs it into everyone's faces it is lacking. I would advise changing life circumstances so there is a chance in a particular combination of those for things to click into places again. I don't know , reading books , starting New hobby , etc etc. Difficult with young kids though. I think you put pressure on yourself and husband to feel a particular way , of course would be better if you did but if you do not then may be just accept situation as it is for the time being , let's say 2 years until kids are older , life will change then and you will be able to review it. Kids are young , you can not have.it all , don't put yourself under pressure feeling you two are somehow inadequate for not having it all , you are very busy, bad time for decisions. I know you want it all and now , life is not like that though. Believe me , a couple of years will whizz by , concentrate on kids .Please please remember to respect your husband at all times , familiarity brings contempt , don't fall into that trap. You do nit want him physically , nothing can be done about it but being nice and courteous to him can be , so that after a couple of years go by , you are in a different place and can reconnect with him you do not find the site burnt out and deserted due to offputting behavior.

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what your saying and it's the fear of making the wrong decision that's keeping me here. If this is 'normal' and just life then I don't want to break the family up for the sake of it. I start my degree in sept and will have a busy three years. I think my plan right now is to get through my degree, kids will be that much older, then re-assess how I feel.Couldn't agree more with what you said about all the 'put the spark back in' posts, if I don't fancy him not quite sure how that will change with some new undies or a night in a hotel etc.?! definately doesn't work!

madison-nyc

Thank you everyone for all the replies, very interesting to see other people's viewpoints and experiences :0)

justme111

Thank you for reading and appreciating it , Madison. There are times in life when sex is a theme and there are times when something else is.in 3 years looks a good time to come back to the issue. If you divorce you are unlikely to get a lot of good sex anyway in the next 3 years with all the work and kids, (talking from experience ). Plus of divorce is that you will at least have options but if there is nothing in your husband which is a definite dealbreaker you may well hit it well later with him. Shame you could not place him on a shel. f and pick him up from there a few years down the l.ne , the hurt of split and rejection will make it impossible , he feels sexually rejected already , its a dreadful feelung specially for men , I would be worried this feelung alone may kill your chances of recovery later , I bet he wonders deep down (no pun intended ) whether there is someone else and if not how soon it will be before he appears. Not nice , very hurtful, would be wonderful if you could somehow reassure him you expect it to pick up later and will stand by him , nothing lifts a man more than that

pearl123

I do have alot of sympathy for OP as if she's just not feeling love or attracted to her partner - it's very difficult to light that spark.

I wonder if OP feels depressed with the situation? I suspect so.

marisco_2

OP the way you feel about your husband and your marriage in general is not how I personally would view a 'normal', healthy and strong relationship in all honesty. I cant help but think you are planning to bide your time till you are in a stronger position, with a degree behind you and the children a bit older, before re-assessing how you feel and then deciding whether to stay with him or not. That approach comes across as you looking after your own self interests rather than focussing on what is best for you both individually and as a family unit.