Ex wife lied to where she has taken kids abroad. Where do i stand?

katrina001

How cruel and selfish your ex is. Your poor children, what a horrible thing to do .

janninew

duchy wrote: »

I do think that now the kids are back -the OP needs to take a step back and think about why his ex felt the need to lie and to realize that the two of them need to work out how to co-parent better and communicate better for the sake of the kids as well as their own sanity.

Some of the snide comments the OP made at the beginning of the thread (like -how he was glad she had got married as she wouldn't be a sponging single parent -when she was obviously in a stable committed relationship as evidenced by her marriage) give clues as to why she felt he might try to disrupt the wedding plans or cast a shadow over what should be a joyful family event for her and the children.

Co-parenting is about respect for each other- you cared enough to produce two children together - just because your relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you can't have a civil enough relationship to communicate -for the sake of your children who love you both.

Can you not see that no mother would lie to their children about where they were going (I agree it was not a good thing to do) unless they felt there was no choice and can you hand on heart say that some of the responsibility for her feeling forced to lie isn't yours ?

Can you not sit down with your ex and say that you've realized things need to change to avoid the children been affected by the problems you two have communicating -for the sake of everyone's sanity ?

I'm NOT saying it will be easy -but it has got to be better than what you went through whilst they were away.

I see many Mothers doing worse than lying to their children everyday in my job. You can't really say that 'no mother' would do that unless you personally know every mother! Why even mention Disney to the children, that's what I don't understand, she could have picked any destination in America to lie about.

duchy

You're missing the point Janine - the question is why did the mother feel she had to lie.
I have no idea what your job is -you could be a social worker dealing with abused children -or you could be a supermarket checkout operator who sees lots of mothers pass by every day-and no-one is saying all mothers (or fathers) are perfect -but the OP and his ex could both have handled things better and this could be a positive wake up call for them both to handle things better-for the sake of the kids-in the future.

Most people aren't basically bad -and this mother cares enough for her children to want them at her wedding (after all she could have dumped them on Dad and swanned off without them) so with two parents who both care for their kids -there's hope for improvement -which can only be a good thing for all concerned.

janninew

duchy wrote: »

You're missing the point Janine - the question is why did the mother feel she had to lie.
I have no idea what your job is -you could be a social worker dealing with abused children -or you could be a supermarket checkout operator who sees lots of mothers pass by every day-and no-one is saying all mothers (or fathers) are perfect -but the OP and his ex could both have handled things better and this could be a positive wake up call for them both to handle things better-for the sake of the kids-in the future.

Most people aren't basically bad -and this mother cares enough for her children to want them at her wedding (after all she could have dumped them on Dad and swanned off without them) so with two parents who both care for their kids -there's hope for improvement -which can only be a good thing for all concerned.

I'm neither a social worker or a checkout operator, I work in a school in a very poor ward and deal with child protection issues. I'm sure mum or dad aren't bad people, but as a mum myself I know that I would never, ever tell my child we were off to Disney unless we were. Most children would be so excited at the prospect of going to meet all the characters, go on the rides etc. I really can't understand why Disney had to be mentioned at all.

duchy

I've done a similar job -I came to the conclusion that there are certain parents whose viewpoint is so alien to mine as a parent that it's a waste of time trying to figure out the why and focus on damage limitation instead-however I don't believe the OP and his wife are the kind of "deprived" parents you are talking about-The children from the OP's description are well cared for and loved by both parents -and presumably by the mother's new husband too as the couple went to the expense of flying them out for the wedding. I do wonder if they thought there was lots to do for children in Vegas-some years ago Vegas was marketed as a family resort -(which it really isn't although there are some great kids things to do like seriously scary rollercoasters-a complete indoor theme park-lion cubs to pet- and dolphins to visit as well as fantastic pools) and didn't realize things have changed and it goes nowhere near Disney.
I do wonder if they had stayed an extra week and gone on to Disneyland afterwards if that would have been "OK" or if the mother would still have got slated for keeping the kids off school for a week for a holiday.

I also wonder if the whole Disney thing started as a misunderstanding-the kids were told they were going to America and somewhere along the line that got convoluted into "going to Disney"- or that Dad was told Disney (as for whatever reason they didn't want to tell him about the wedding) - and HE told the kids...... that makes a little more sense than a deliberate cruel lie ?

Mojisola

julie03 wrote: »

Lying to an ex i can kind of understand, but your own kids:eek:

marisco wrote: »

I don't agree with this logic. When a couple who have children split up, they need to communicate honestly with each other, and behave with integrity for the children's sake. By all means have a private life but be above board with each other over anything that involves the children. To lie where they are concerned does nothing but cause worry, distress and erodes any trust a person has in another. Not a nice atmosphere for children to be raised in at all.

I don't think it's a good thing for separated parents to lie to each other but, like julie, I can understand there may be occasions when someone chose to do that.

This wouldn't be one of them - and lying to the children was a very bad decision. Instead of the children having good memories of the wedding, their main memory will be of disappointment.

What is their Mum going to say to them if they tell her a lie in future after lying to them in such a major way?

duchy

I think many of us can understand lying to an ex about a wedding -especially if the ex isn't themselves in a new stable relationship and is bitter still.

Maybe the kids overheard Mum lying to Dad about where .....and it snowballed. I just feel there is logical explanation somewhere. After all who wants kids moaning about wanting to go to Disney in the middle of a wedding.Pity they didn't just get married in Florida and did both.

paulineb_2

Im assuming the mother didnt tell the kids where they were going incase they told their dad.

Whatever reason she felt she had to lie to him, thats how she felt.
And we dont know how the kids feel about the entire matter, at that age any holiday abroad is generally a big adventure.

I agree with the poster who said the main issue here is why the ex wife felt she had to lie and obviously there are some massive communication or lack of communication issues there.

neverdespairgirl

duchy wrote: »

Can you not see that no mother would lie to their children about where they were going (I agree it was not a good thing to do) unless they felt there was no choice and can you hand on heart say that some of the responsibility for her feeling forced to lie isn't yours ?

That seems to me to be a very twisted and mother-centric view.

Of course some mothers lie to their children, for whatever reason.

To assume it's the OP's fault, rather than hers, is just random.

seven-day-weekend

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

That seems to me to be a very twisted and mother-centric view.

Of course some mothers lie to their children, for whatever reason.

To assume it's the OP's fault, rather than hers, is just random.

Yes, I have known mothers lie to their children. This is how things are though on these forums, from many, always the father's fault