Would you tell?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Do you not trust yourself to now make a better choice of partner?

Nope. It had never occurred to me that he would do something like that. And pass it off as proof he was better at martial arts than me and it was doing me a favour in knowing what somebody could do in a street fight. Like I was ever going to fight outside the ring.

Things then degenerated into complete horrendousness over the following weeks.

So I totally screwed up in terms of judgement. And I still don't trust myself to make the right choices.



I've got a particular male friend that I have a soft spot a mile wide for. I trust him more than any bloke I've ever known, but even though there's a whole bunch of chemistry going on there, I'm not going to try to move him from the friendzone because I don't want to screw up again.

Tropez

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Nope. It had never occurred to me that he would do something like that. And pass it off as proof he was better at martial arts than me and it was doing me a favour in knowing what somebody could do in a street fight. Like I was ever going to fight outside the ring.

Things then degenerated into complete horrendousness over the following weeks.

So I totally screwed up in terms of judgement. And I still don't trust myself to make the right choices.



I've got a particular male friend that I have a soft spot a mile wide for. I trust him more than any bloke I've ever known, but even though there's a whole bunch of chemistry going on there, I'm not going to try to move him from the friendzone because I don't want to screw up again.

You didn't screw up.

I have qualifications in "ologies" coming out of my ears. There are significant parts of my job that require predicting people's behaviour, but I can't always be right. None of us can. I've misjudged people and I've misjudged situations because while there's profiling and bracketing and all these convenient, established and mostly tried and tested methods for understanding behaviour, there are always anomalies.

You encountered an anomaly. It is not your fault, not a screw up on your part that it happened. Even professional behavioural scientists will admit that their science is imperfect. You should not feel negative towards yourself for this. The type of individual who inflicts physical harm upon someone days/weeks after some sort of perceived slight is generally someone who is quite adept at concealing their true nature.

That said, I can understand why you feel as you do, though I do think it is a shame. Even though I am sure we have had a disagreement or two, although over what specifically I cannot recall, you've always come across as an intelligent, kind-hearted and interesting individual. Silly as it may sound, I do hope that one day you regain the trust in yourself to trust someone else.

coolcait

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I told an ex that the instructor at my kickboxing class had asked me out to dinner, not knowing I was with someone. He didn't seem hugely bothered at the time.

The next time I went to training, he decided to come along, having claimed to be knowledgeable about martial arts before he met me.

After the warm up, where I could tell it half killed him, we paired off for light sparring. First, I was paired off with the instructor, and then onto my partner. At the first move, he brought his elbow down directly on my shin and cracked it. I never returned to kickboxing as a result of that.



I would never tell a partner now.

But the problem here wasn't that fact that you 'told'.

It was the fact that your former partner was an abusive nutjob.

If you hadn't 'told', but he had found out anyway, chances are that your story would tell how he cracked your spine, rather than your shin.


The vast majority of men, in my experience (not always that kind of experience! ) are normal, decent human beings. And I'm not a girly girl - more of a tomboy - so I do know a lot of men.

One of the many reasons why I abhor men who abuse women is the fact that their actions tar all the normal, decent men with the same brush.

sillygoose

I must be so old fashioned but I gather this guy knew your OH was happily married? Well that means something to me, it means 'I have picked my partner so hands off' (otherwise I would get divorced). Yet he still mauled your wife. Despite the fact she is tough enough to look after herself I think its so disrespectful. I would certainly be discussing it with him and not laughing it off.

To be honest guy sounds like the sort that one day will be in a more private situation with a woman and she will be a lot drunker and maybe he will put getting what he wants above what she wants. He has tried to defuse it by going public and blaming drink, but if someone walks my wife to her car I expect it to be to ensure her safety not the opposite, to see if its an 'opportunity'

Cooper18

OH and her colleague had a chat this morning. He has confessed to having had a bit of a crush on her for a while. He hoped she might be up for a kiss and cuddle, a bit of "harmless fun on a night out". He also has a significant other which has turned his advance from just a silly move into something a bit more tasteless. I'm still not bothered, like I said in the OP I don't need to trust every man in the world, I just need to trust my OH. And I do. Anyway, she has told him she is not interested in any kind of harmless fun with him. They are due a night out in 3 weeks time as its someone's birthday, that could be an interesting night!

marisco_2

coolcait wrote: »

If you hadn't 'told', but he had found out anyway, chances are that your story would tell how he cracked your spine, rather than your shin.

I feel totally ashamed to admit this but the above is the dilemma I faced on one occassion during my marriage. Toward the end of my marriage I was propositioned by a friend, without there having been any encouragement from myself at all. He took me by surprise and I instantly turned him down and diffused the situation. There is no way I would ever have accepted and done anything behind my husbands back. I knew when I told my now ex husband that a guy had made a pass at me, that I would pay for my honesty by him hurting me. I told him anyway because there was the reality that if he found out from someone else I would most likely have been hospitalised.

In the few relationships that I have had I have always believed in their being 100% trust and honesty between myself and my partner. It is not in my nature to want to be decietful or to behave in ways that would lead someone I loved to question my commitment to them. Despite all this my ex husband could not find it within him to trust me. He had huge phsycholigical problems though and I do completely accept that not all men would behave or react in this manner. More to the point my past experiences of what happened when I was honest and behaved with integrity, have not made me change my mind on always being this way in any future relationships I may go on to have. As far as I am concerned honsety is always the best policy and I wont be changing my stance on that.

Cooper18

sillygoose wrote: »

I must be so old fashioned but I gather this guy knew your OH was happily married?

You're as old fashioned as me mate! But yes, he knew. But "happy" is subjective. Maybe he thought married doesn't necessarily mean happy and therefore anyone is fair game. I have no clue. People really confuse me sometimes! I guess plenty of folk have affairs so marriage isn't for keeps. He's attached, and he was game....he evidently hoped she felt the same way.

Cooper18

marisco wrote: »

I feel totally ashamed to admit this but the above is the dilemma I faced on one occassion during my marriage. Toward the end of my marriage I was propositioned by a friend, without there having been any encouragement from myself at all. He took me by surprise and I instantly turned him down and diffused the situation. There is no way I would ever have accepted and done anything behind my husbands back. I knew when I told my now ex husband that a guy had made a pass at me, that I would pay for my honesty by him hurting me. I told him anyway because there was the reality that if he found out from someone else I would most likely have been hospitalised.

In the few relationships that I have had I have always believed in their being 100% trust and honesty between myself and my partner. It is not in my nature to want to be decietful or to behave in ways that would lead someone I loved to question my commitment to them. Despite all this my ex husband could not find it within him to trust me. He had huge phsycholigical problems though and I do completely accept that not all men would behave or react in this manner. More to the point my past experiences of what happened when I was honest and behaved with integrity, have not made me change my mind on always being this way in any future relationships I may go on to have. As far as I am concerned honsety is always the best policy and I wont be changing my stance on that.

Honesty IS the best policy. It helps you sleep better at night. I hope you have found that not all men are created equal. Some are animals, most are not.

sillygoose

Cooper18 wrote: »

You're as old fashioned as me mate! But yes, he knew. But "happy" is subjective. Maybe he thought married doesn't necessarily mean happy and therefore anyone is fair game. I have no clue. People really confuse me sometimes! I guess plenty of folk have affairs so marriage isn't for keeps. He's attached, and he was game....he evidently hoped she felt the same way.

Don't get me wrong, people all view commitment and what they do outside of the marriage differently and he may be one of them.

my point, I don't hold it against him 'asking' if she was up for a bit on the side, some men/women are and thats their business

But getting physical without first establishing any interest or encouragement on her part is borderline sexual assault in my dictionary.

lovesabargain123

Honestly??

I'd be waking him up the very minute I walked in the door to tell him, I'd have also told the taxi driver on the way home whilst texting everyone in my phone book , I'd probably email the local paper as well...

Can you tell it hasn't happened to me for a very very very very long time :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

On the other hand dh would be wanting to know his name and address so he can deliver me personally to the door and offer to buy him a beer for taking me off his hands :beer::beer: :D