do you go out on your own or with others?

Frogletina

paulineb wrote: »

Ive never been pestered in my local wetherspoons, or the one in the next town. No one has asked me why Im on my own. I dont tend to go in at peak times anyway, but Ive gone in in the morning for breakfast on occasion.

If someone walked up to me and asked me why I was on my own and I couldnt be bothered explaining Id say, Im waiting for someone.

That wouldn't have worked in my case as it was very late at night and only a handful of people there - I was listening to my friend's band. Anyway, I'm going to keep going and one day I'll be one of the regulars and who knows, might make some new friends.

Torry_Quine

Dunroamin wrote: »

What a waste of time and money!

It's about opening yourself up to things that you wouldn't otherwise have tried. sometimes you can find you actually like it. I realise that actually I'm doing the very opposite by not doing things on my own but we're all complex.

valk_scot wrote: »

I think that's quite insulting tbh. It implies you feel there's something amiss with their commitment to their marriage. There's plenty of couples that are very happily married and who wouldn't dream of being otherwise, in any sense, but who still like a bit of space to pursue their own interests or hobbies for a few days, or just get a bit of space for themselves. What's strange about that? You don't cease to be an individual completely on the day you married, you don't fuse into a single entity that can't or isn't allowed to do anything apart without it being strange.

I'm sorry you felt insulted as that was not in any way my intention. I did say personally and that possibly says more about me as I would never go on holiday on my own. I've certainly never said it isn't allowed to go on holiday seperately.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Having a loving relationship is all very well. But what happens if they leave you? Oh, obviously, with a cosy little codependent relationship, that'll never happen :cool: but people die. Then there's a choice whether to start living, become a professional widow or just give up.

In a similar way, I think the inability to cope without external validation and distraction for any significant length of time is why there are women who have a seemingly endless stream of babies or thirty cats. And men, too.

I've been in relationships where they've argued 'but we're a couple. We should be enough for one another'. This translates, in my experience to 'I can't stand the thought that you might leave the house unsupervised and actually realise there's more to life than fulfilling my every need and whim'.

Anyhow, the only way to conquer those feelings is to do something that challenges you. Like going to see a film. Or getting something to eat first. Then once you realise the world hasn't fallen apart at the seams, try something else. Maybe something around an activity would be easier for you than standing in a bar trying to make conversation?

Sometimes you will end up sitting there bored and surrounded by couples and groups of friends. But over time, you realise it isn't a disaster and you'll probably end up chatting to people or recognised by them and before you know it, you've got people to socialise with or even count as friends.


Never thought I'd be doing it myself, but I've got the most lovely bunch of friends and people I absolutely adore as a result of doing that - plus I found out I had some talent I never knew I had. Nowdays, I think that I'm one of those people somebody could look at, being hollered at across a bar/street/gig and getting a huge bear hug and instant company, and they're wondering 'how do people like her do that? It must come naturally to them, unlike me'.

Even though I have those wonderful friends, I still have days when I don't see a soul - and I've friends who have sent messages something like 'I'm a complete Billy no mates at the moment - wanna pop round and save me from looking like a serial killer choosing his next victim?'

Just have a go at going out. Yes, it's strange, but over time, things change.

Great advice and I do in some ways wish I had the confidence to do things you mention but not me I'm afraid. Just yesterday someone I didn't know spoke to me when I was waiting for my friend to give me a lift and it was a very uncomfortable few moments as I just freeze.

The thought that I will statistically be most likely on my own one day is something that scares me but to be honest I really don't know what else to do.

bugslet

saterkey wrote: »

nice thread
a few suggestions if you want to go with people:




Woman and home - look for the forums, they have dinner threads for all areas, I have met up with ladies a few times, its hard but they try different restaurants, and once you get to know a few they can branch out on their own groups and go shopping, theatre, book groups even holidays together.

I was thinking the same thing ( I have been to the same one as you saterkey as a visitor)! I have plenty of friends in real life, but made some lovely new ones through the above forum, they also have a board for book clubs and walking clubs as well, which are cheaper to do.

However, I am happy about going to places on my own. Fancy seeing Gatsby and might go with a friend, if she can't make it the same time as me, I'll go on my own.

Having recently started to live on my own due to OH's illness, I am debating if I can go on holiday on my own. I don't mind eating out alone, I don't mind travelling alone or visiting places on my own, and can manage it fine for a long weekend, just not sure that I could do two weeks on my own or if as PN said before, you lack that bit of sharing stuff with and that takes some of the joy out of the experience.

bugslet

paulineb wrote: »

Ive never been pestered in my local wetherspoons, or the one in the next town. No one has asked me why Im on my own. I dont tend to go in at peak times anyway, but Ive gone in in the morning for breakfast on occasion.

If someone walked up to me and asked me why I was on my own and I couldnt be bothered explaining Id say, Im waiting for someone.

i have to work away as per a previous poster, and haven't really experienced being pestered. I'd like to think that was more to do with the vibes I was giving out rather than my looks! I have had some nice conversations with strangers though, so it must be a 'not on the pull, but still friendly vibe'!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Great advice and I do in some ways wish I had the confidence to do things you mention but not me I'm afraid. Just yesterday someone I didn't know spoke to me when I was waiting for my friend to give me a lift and it was a very uncomfortable few moments as I just freeze.

The thought that I will statistically be most likely on my own one day is something that scares me but to be honest I really don't know what else to do.

Of course it's scary - but you've got time. Just keep chipping away at it. How about doing something with your Church or for a charity? A lot of charity shops have people working out the back that don't see customers until they feel more confident.

Pop out to the shops or to return a library book by yourself, just little everyday things that you would normally be doing with your DH that he doesn't actually need to be there for - if he would normally drive, you could take the bus or arrange for him to pick you up. And maybe he could do similar if he feels anxious about going places without you. After all, there are no guarantees in life - many men go to pieces when they become widowers as well.


It might feel horrible at first, yes, but you'll have the security of knowing DH is around. As you say, it's scary thinking of being without him - but he'd still be there - far better that you begin to take steps to help yourself now rather than be forced to do it at a time of immense grief, which is when some people do.



I've gone from living with a man, two kids plus their friends in and out all the time, next door or within a couple of minutes of everybody I knew - to living alone somewhere else in the space of a year. It was a huge shock to the system, but now, I think I rather like it. The difference is in the getting out there and doing it anyway.



For example, before a gig, I'm dying a thousand deaths walking up the road with my gear. I'm muttering 'you can do this, you can do this' right up until I get to the front door of the venue. Then I take a deep breath, tell myself 'Come on' and I walk in. I'm fine throughout soundcheck, but then I start getting antsy in the long dark teatime between then and going onstage. But the moment I'm up, it's all gone and I love what I do. And I'm realising that I'm pretty good at it, too.

And the advice from my friends? 'Keep doing it, and one day, you'll not worry about it again'. Which is true, as it's nowhere near as bad as it was on my first gigs.

I now notice the new musician at the venue who is really feeling it (there's always somebody doing it for the first time) and talk to them, to try and explain I know exactly what they're going through and it will get easier, the more you do it.

southoftheriver

I am an extrovert who loves being around people. But I do love my me time. When I was 13 I went to see Titanic at the cinema by myself! All my friends had seen it already. What was the point in going with friends just to sit in silence anyway? I have also been abroad by myself, for no other reason than I wanted to and I could. A big test was walking into a "locals" restaurant in Barcelona. I was worried people would stare but I was so hungry I got over that, and no-one was interested in me funnily enough.

When I went to San Francisco I met a girl who wanted to cycle across the golden gate bridge, so we did. It was amazing and I wouldn't have met her had I been alone. I also met a really hot guy who took me around the city on his motorbike, but thats by the by ;-)

I'm doing some evening classes by myself, and sometimes I will shut myself in my room even though there are people around me. Those that judge people for being alone do not understand the difference between alone and lonely. I've been lonely and it is horrific. But alone can be incredibly empowering.

ellay864

At one time I wouldn't have considered going out on my own but once I became a single mum I learnt to get to grips with that. I got to enjoy the peace of days out shopping or sightseeing alone when my boys were with their dad. I could go to the ladies without having to install the boys to wait for me, I could walk round at my own speed and take as long as I liked looking at things. I could try on clothes properly without little people needing attention; it was bliss!
Even now I'm married again I still enjoy doing things on my own sometimes. I haven't done a proper holiday alone but because I get much more leave than DH does, I take days off and do things without him. Recently I went away for a week, house-sat at my brother's flat and spent a week catching up with old friends, doing day trips to London and Brighton, and just mooching round my old childhood haunts.
From doing business trips I've got comfy with eating out alone, and even mastered pubs...though that was due to me not having Sky then and being 'forced' to go to pubs to watch Liverpool play! DH has been in bansd in the past so when I've gone with him when they played I was often sitting alone in what could be quite a crowded pub. I must admit I found that the least comfortable scenario but it really isn't as bad as you think once you realise that people aren't spending their evening staring at you

Torry_Quine

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Of course it's scary - but you've got time. Just keep chipping away at it. How about doing something with your Church or for a charity? A lot of charity shops have people working out the back that don't see customers until they feel more confident.

Pop out to the shops or to return a library book by yourself, just little everyday things that you would normally be doing with your DH that he doesn't actually need to be there for - if he would normally drive, you could take the bus or arrange for him to pick you up. And maybe he could do similar if he feels anxious about going places without you. After all, there are no guarantees in life - many men go to pieces when they become widowers as well.


It might feel horrible at first, yes, but you'll have the security of knowing DH is around. As you say, it's scary thinking of being without him - but he'd still be there - far better that you begin to take steps to help yourself now rather than be forced to do it at a time of immense grief, which is when some people do.



I've gone from living with a man, two kids plus their friends in and out all the time, next door or within a couple of minutes of everybody I knew - to living alone somewhere else in the space of a year. It was a huge shock to the system, but now, I think I rather like it. The difference is in the getting out there and doing it anyway.



For example, before a gig, I'm dying a thousand deaths walking up the road with my gear. I'm muttering 'you can do this, you can do this' right up until I get to the front door of the venue. Then I take a deep breath, tell myself 'Come on' and I walk in. I'm fine throughout soundcheck, but then I start getting antsy in the long dark teatime between then and going onstage. But the moment I'm up, it's all gone and I love what I do. And I'm realising that I'm pretty good at it, too.

And the advice from my friends? 'Keep doing it, and one day, you'll not worry about it again'. Which is true, as it's nowhere near as bad as it was on my first gigs.

I now notice the new musician at the venue who is really feeling it (there's always somebody doing it for the first time) and talk to them, to try and explain I know exactly what they're going through and it will get easier, the more you do it.

thanks for your kind words, it's very much appreciated.:A

I do volunteer for a charity though not in a shop and it is something I enjoy. I'm not making excuses but my confidence is very low in a large part due to my health or rather lack of. I've always been inttroverted though and didn't really have any friends at school. At least when I was working I was out and about but that's something I can only dream about now.

red_devil

i have been to the cinema on my own and go shopping alone. No worrys.