Marriage in bits at the mo

Joons

Mojisola wrote: »

I wondered this. It might be that pinkfluffythings's determination not to "give in" is actually making her OH doubt whether she is as bad as she says.

I would much rather save the energy and spend time doing things with my OH than have a house spick and span but then housework has never been a major priority for me!

Perhaps the OP feels this is something she has control over- what state the house is in, a tidy house helps keep the mind tidy and if she's spending a lot of time at home then it would be better for her to be in nice surroundings.

victory

lostinrates wrote: »

The final thing to add is that there is a 'sick person mentality' most of us with long term ill health have to guard against. It's a big demon for me, I catch myself either not factoring in health at all, or not factoring in LIFE into the ill health. It's not a conscious thing, and we don't mean to, but we often do fall into patterns anyway.


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This is so true and so hard day by day to gauge the after effects of having what in the terms of lifelong pain could be construed as a'good day, the excitement of feeling in less pain makes one do silly things like over do everything with fresh enthusiasm and vigour only for it to lead to 2 days lying flat on your back in bed unable to move because of it and then mentally feeling so sorry for yourself. Catch 22 at its best

Not wanting to waste life, up on a high when one can move about and pay the price for that luxury.

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

Perhaps the OP feels this is something she has control over- what state the house is in, a tidy house helps keep the mind tidy and if she's spending a lot of time at home then it would be better for her to be in nice surroundings.

Needing to keep control over some part of your life is understandable.

I had to explain to the exasperated husband of one of our ME group members that the reason she struggled down the garden to hang out bits of washing when he had said that he would do it for her is that we need to be able to do some things for ourselves. He worked, shopped, cooked and cleaned the house - she ate what he bought, sat and watched him clean (and not doing things the way she used to), spent time lying around while he rushed off to work so the achievement of doing some bits of washing was really important to her self-esteem. He had just seen her as being perverse because she seemed to be refusing help he was willing to give.

victory

You are right, you have to have some sort of independence even though its very restrictive but never the less some sense of personal achievement is invaluable.

It's a beast of a thing, pain and the loss it brings, it can eat you up, even watching the tele and seeing somewhere you would love to visit but know you never can, it can brain wash you into thinking you are totally incapable when you can find something, however minuscule that makes you feel free and able

victory

For the partner not only to watch helpless knowing they cannot take the illness is bad enough for them but when they over compensate by taking over and trying to ease it all by doing e everything that can also cause its own problems making the other person feel worthless.

It is a very difficult juggling act, to offer help rather than taking over, for the person in pain to not have to constantly feeling they are a burden or asking for too much , that its taking over not only their lives but their partners, the humiliation or embarrassment of having to ask for things to be done that no partner should have to do

lostinrates

victory wrote: »

For the partner not only to watch helpless knowing they cannot take the illness is bad enough for them but when they over compensate by taking over and trying to ease it all by doing e everything that can also cause its own problems making the other person feel worthless.

It is a very difficult juggling act, to offer help rather than taking over, for the person in pain to not have to constantly feeling they are a burden or asking for too much , that its taking over not only their lives but their partners, the humiliation or embarrassment of having to ask for things to be done that no partner should have to do

Yes. And we certainly find at times we are getting it wrong.

I'll be honest, I find it hard when feeling not as bad to come up to scratch again in the mundanities of life. I really do. They are tiring and boring and there is so much fun, and my darling husband is happy to work all week away and then come home and pick up my slack. He feels practically helpful and I feel nurtured, but its not healthy or good for either of us, so I really work hard to guard against it. It's hard though.

Others I am sure have other equally poor habits they fall into, whether they are physically healthy or otherwise.

TeamLowe

OP one thing that struck me is that maybe the pregnancy has thrown into sharp relief your future- I can't imagine a pregnancy being easy for someone such as yourself (not that healthy women are guaranteed an easy pregnancy either)
And whilst I'm sure you've spoken about pregnancy and planned for it generally in the past, it may not have been a real plan to him

Only thinking from my experience, my husband and I had always said that if we could afford I wouldn't work for a few years after children. After I miscarried a surprise pregnancy, which he dealt with really well, he then had a freak out about the pressure of supporting a potential family when we spoke of trying again, it was difficult for him as it suddenly wasn't a theoretical in the future thing but something he had to seriously consider x

Mojisola

TeamLowe wrote: »

OP one thing that struck me is that maybe the pregnancy has thrown into sharp relief your future- I can't imagine a pregnancy being easy for someone such as yourself (not that healthy women are guaranteed an easy pregnancy either)

And whilst I'm sure you've spoken about pregnancy and planned for it generally in the past, it may not have been a real plan to him

The pregnancy and/or the miscarriage could well have been a pivotal point for him. The reality of having a child might well have shocked him. He could be struggling with the pain of losing the baby.

pinkfluffythings says that she had counselling after the miscarriage - has her OH had any help dealing with it?

FBaby

I think whatever is behind the pregnancy is a big part of the situation. Let's face it, looking after a baby then a toddler and child is utterly exhausting. As many stay at home mum, working full-time would be easier. How much support would OP have as clearly not that much from her husband who is working such long hours.

I am therefore wondering how the discussion of the baby came about. I totally understand the broodiness and wanting to be a mum and not letting illness stops that dream, but how realistic is it if indeed OP is so limited by her illness. We don't know how old they are. Is OP young enough that maybe her husband thinks it would be more sensible to wait until she is better to become a mum full-time? Or is it the opposite, they are at an age where they can't afford to wait too long, but then he is concern of the implication of having a baby with the limitations that OP's illness would impose? Or indeed, is he seeing OP complete confidence in her ability to be a mum leading to questioning how she feels she could cope being a mum yet struggling for things he might consider less demanding?

The other issue is that he might have believed the illness was short term, that with a lot of care and support, she would soon get better, but is now getting scared that it could be long term, and again, the idea of a baby which might mean that he will have to make drastic change to his work situation to help care for the baby and that worries him, as that would have a huge implication on his being able to support the family.

amanda47

It's hard to live with someone who is constantly ill, I know I'm living it. I love my DH to bits, but all we seem to do is talk about being ill or illness. It can be very depressing for you BOTH not just the person who has the illness. I know no one ask to be ill but it takes over your lives. Do you think that's why he spends so much time in work that's where he can get away from talk about illness.