Marriage in bits at the mo

CrazyRed

I didn't want to read and run - I can see this from both points of view, having been in a similar situation myself.

At the moment, your OH probably doesn't know HOW to cope with your various illnesses and maladies. Burying himself in work and his phone is him trying to 'block out' reality , deny the significant effect that illness has had on you as a couple and him trying to cope with his feelings of utter helplessness in being able to alleviate your suffering.

He needs to stop, for his health's sake. I went into denial when we first discovered the true extent of my wife's illnesses, threw myself into my job, focussed more on 'work' than home, but eventually it began to take a serious toll on my mental health and depression hit me hard, for the second time in my life. My work also suffered as, of course, did home and our home life.

I battled it for a few months, and tried to put a brave face on at work, but eventually it all came to a head and I decided to take the step of leaving work and focussing on what was more important to me - my home life and the quality of life that my missus deserved, becoming a full-time carer.

I found counselling to be helpful - not marriage counselling, but individual. In conjunction with this, CBT was suggested but due to the massive waiting lists in my area, I was given a link to http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/index.html where I found a number of exercises and articles that were applicable to my situation and were extremely helpful (I did go on to have 'professional' CBT later, but by the therapists own admission I didn't really need it because of the information and help I'd had from this site).

Counselling and CBT certainly aren't "the answer" - they're tools to help the individual make sense of the situation they find themselves in (it's horrible, watching the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with suffering, every single day and being utterly powerless to help alleviate it or come up with any answers - I really can understand his reaction from his point of view).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Your illnesses don't make him be horrible to you.

He is the one who chooses to be like it.

pinkfluffythings

I just wanted to clear something up here. We live in a large house, yes, reason for this is it has a downstairs bathroom for me and an extra livingroom which can be used as a bedroom. For OH it has outside office space he needed. Money wise, I could afford it, I paid for it, no one else. Call it lucky.

Bill wise per month we pay £500 which we split equally. With the rest of his wages he can save a couple of thousand and have a healthy current account.

He works long hours as this industry is all he knows, having successful businesses within it was always more than his dream but he caught a lucky break. He wants to try and work from home more so we will see how that goes.

pinkfluffythings

Treevo wrote: »

I don't think you can compare taking helping someone for three months to helping someone for years on end and shouldering the entire financial burden.

There is always a temptation for those with a serious illness to inadvertently be selfish about their condition. They don't meant to be but everything comes back to it - how everything has affected you etc. the their partner's problems are minimised. A sort of 'it doesn't matter that you're earning all the money and working ridiculously long hours - I'm ill' type thing. The man broke his leg and still had to work! It's not easy being in a friendship with someone who is ill - so I can't imagine how hard it is to be in a relationship like that.

I've noticed your post is very 'me, me, me' and I think you should probably cut him a little slack before you criticise him too much.

I used him breaking his leg as an example of how I would look after him "for better or worse" "in sickness and health" at the drop of a hat.
I have explained in a previous post our financial circumstances, he is in no way doing this job for just the money, its his dream that just so happens pays very well.

Didn't mean my post to be all about me but then I am the one writing it so kind of does come with the territory

pinkfluffythings

carefullycautious wrote: »

Hope I have not read this wrong, but why do you need a big house?

Also why does he need to work all those hours?

I would rather have a smaller property fully paid for and hubby working less hours so that we could spend quality time together.

I do feel empathy for you both as it is no fun when one of you suffers from a disability and the other feels weighed down by it.

Have you thought about getting counselling and or being referred to a pain clinic who can help with your condition.

I've tried my best to explain in an earlier post about our financial situation. We are going to get counselling, appointment booked.
As for the pain clinic, yes I have been several times to more than one. unfortunately I am taking the max dose of meds I can, nothing else available on the market that I don't already take. I have went down the path of morphine which is not great for the treatment of some pains, mine being one of them, after 4 months I stopped treatment as it was not beneficial to me.

marisco_2

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

He does know about my conditions and what they do to me, my medication and the side effects but its got to the stage now if I try and talk about what's going on with me, hospital appointments ... he just keeps on looking at his phone and I get a "yeah" every now and then.

How is communication between you both in general? Is it just when you try to discuss your health issues, that there is this kind of response and barrier to talking things through with each other?

pinkfluffythings

Crazyred - I'm sorry about your wife's illness and what you went through. I can see this is what's happening with my OH. Blocking things out, he has always done this on other matters.

I have been trying to get him to get counselling for ages, just him, for sooooo many issues. His anger sometimes, childhood issues that he NEEDS to talk about with a professional not just me.

Thank you, I do pray this counselling for us helps, I really do.

pinkfluffythings

marisco wrote: »

How is communication between you both in general? Is it just when you try to discuss your health issues, that there is this kind of response and barrier to talking things through with each other?

It usually is good. Some of it is done over the internet because we don't get time in the evening , send each other messages throughout the day. Its just my health and sometimes when I try and get him to contact his family that I get the glazed look

marisco_2

It would seem then that it is subject areas that cause him upset and anxiety, where he clams up and finds it hard to express his views and feelings. The counselling you have booked for you both should help enable him to find ways to address this problem. That would be really beneficial in the long run.

I think CrazyReds post was really good and I have no doubt it helped to give you some insight as to where your husband is at. I hope some of the links given could be of use to him.

tayforth

OP, it is possible that your husband doesn't know how to handle all of this atm. Additionally, the miscarriage may have affected him more than he is letting on. But he shouldn't be shutting you out like this.

Would you think about writing him a letter, setting out how you feel? He doesn't seem to be listening to you at present, for whatever reason. A letter may have a dramatic impact on him. Let him know how his words and actions make you feel, and suggest a course of action e.g. counselling.

You come across as a lovely, articulate girl, and you deserve to be happy. I sincerely hope that things improve. Keep posting xxx