Marriage in bits at the mo

pinkfluffythings

Joons wrote: »

So sorry to hear of your health problems, you sound a very strong and positive person.

Re your OH, you need a frank talk with him and yes counselling might help too. Under no circumstances should he think it's acceptable to treat you this way, it's not. You manage to run a home, have his food ready for him and clean clothes whenever he wants and he huffs if you complain of pain - sorry but he's being incredibly selfish here, you're a good one and he should appreciate your goodness instead of huffing at your illnesses', as you say, if it was the other way around, you wouldn't treat him that way so what gives him the right to think it's okay to basically ignore you when he feels like it. If your outgoings are £500 a month and he's earning the equivalent of four people's monthly wage then for goodness sake he could easily cut down on the hours, that's if he wants to, you should be his priority, not work. My dad managed to care for my bedridden mum for 5 years and never showed her disrespect, your husband should be doing this without being nasty to you. Maybe he doesn't realise how hurftul he is being, it's up to you to make sure he does. Good luck with sorting out your pain, I really hope you get help.

Thing is, it's his own business and he needs to be there to that time

Joons

So sorry for you but glad you have somewhere to escape to. You really don't need a husband that acts like a spoilt child, perhaps a few days at your mum's will make him realise you're not putting up with it anymore? You sound so inspirational, I don't get how he doesn't think the world of you, when you are coping with all of that. Sorry but he needs a good kick up the backside.

BugglyB

Joons wrote: »

So sorry for you but glad you have somewhere to escape to. You really don't need a husband that acts like a spoilt child, perhaps a few days at your mum's will make him realise you're not putting up with it anymore? You sound so inspirational, I don't get how he doesn't think the world of you, when you are coping with all of that. Sorry but he needs a good kick up the backside.

The thing is, if the OPs husband poured his heart out on here, we could all think the same thing about OP. Oh how awful that you are working all hours to keep the business afloat and your wife doesnt appreciate you and etc etc. In marriage I believe you have to fight against feeling like 'after all I've done for you'.

OP I wonder if your husband feels stifled, and thats why he's looking for escapism elsewhere (online). I know personally I woudl hate to have my slippers out/dinner on the table, house spotless, smiling wife there saying 'I have missed you'. I know its the 'dream' but it would make me feel trapped.

It sounds as if he is bored, frankly, and no amount of doing a nice tea for him is going to change that. If I was you I would be looking at my own finances, my own motivation for living, my own hobbies and friendships. Make sure that once in a while you are out when he gets home.

He needs to take responsibility for his own happiness - I dont think this is something you personally can 'fix'.

Mojisola

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

After talking with him this morning it seems nothing has really changed. If anything its worse. The total blame of us not working is the fact I'm unwell.

I wonder where the guy I married is.

He said, and he did say this 1 month after we lost our baby that he didn't want to come home to sadness.

Is it possible that he's dealing with the miscarriage by "not dealing" with it? He can pretend that it didn't happen and that there's nothing to be sad about but he can't ignore your health problems. That can set up a tension in him which is being expressed in his behaviour - sitting in the same room as you but shutting you out is a way of withdrawing from the problems.

Neither of you are the people you married so he is probably feeling the same as you. My husband married a fit and very active woman who has deteriorated into someone he has had to look after. Would he have married me if I'd been like this when we met? I don't know but that's who he's got now.

A lot of men want to "fix" problems, especially for their loved ones, and struggle to cope with their feelings when they can't. Unless he is willing to deal with the emotions, I can't see you staying together.

princeofpounds

You know the way he behaves when he comes home reminds me almost exactly of a period I went through when things were bad at work for me. I decided to speak to my partner about it, but it ended up being counter-productive.

I wanted to enjoy home as a refuge, use it as a base from which to face challenges outside the home. Instead, with her totally understandable concerns, she wanted to ask me how each and every day had gone. When I'd had a bad day, I'd just clam up. I didn't want to re-live it, have the same conversation and have her urge me to try harder (as if I wasn't). I wanted to relax on the sofa, maybe play a game on the iphone (you get the picture...)

Now obviously these are relatively minor issues compared to health. But there may be a parallel. He probably has forgotten to appreciate the ironed shirts and cleaned house.

And he probably thinks he is coming home to complaints about your conditions, which he can't do anything about, and he probably doesn't feel like discussing them for the 1500th time (an estimate for 5 years!). Home could become a chore rather than a refuge.

The fact that he left, but felt the need to come back tells me that what he might really want is a rest rather than to leave you.

It's all speculation, but maybe you'll find something in it.

victory

There is lots of layers to this one, your OH wanted a fit and healthy partner and never got one, cue resentment, frustration, boredom, snappy, angry irritation rightly or wrongly..

You wanted to be happy and healthy and never got that and have to adapt hugely to the illnesses...

Your OH has to live with the fact you will never be able to do/ go/see whatever he wants as he is able bodied and has no impediments , he doesn't want you to restrict him and yet he is....

Making the dinner, all the text messages etc just annoys him because he knows that is not real, it is just a very small piece of the relationship that is not negative, he could have anxiety, stress at work, depression, thoughts of life feeling as if he can never catch a break, very tired from work, looking at everything on the negative, glass half empty...

You say he has childhood issues, seems he has masses to deal with and takes some of it out on you...

I agree you have to haul yourself up and over the pain and 'make out all is well' to a degree and not to mention it on certain days, get dressed up 'for a date' even if its just in the house, don't let the medical issues cloud every waking moment, all of that yes, make sure he has positive happy memories to think back on yes but not done falsely as a show, through gritted teeth, then it comes off bad..

Your OH issues he has to be man enough to deal with on his own, you can't take his entire life on and the way he can't express himself on, that's for him and CBT to work through

Joons

BugglyB wrote: »

The thing is, if the OPs husband poured his heart out on here, we could all think the same thing about OP. Oh how awful that you are working all hours to keep the business afloat and your wife doesnt appreciate you and etc etc. In marriage I believe you have to fight against feeling like 'after all I've done for you'.

OP I wonder if your husband feels stifled, and thats why he's looking for escapism elsewhere (online). I know personally I woudl hate to have my slippers out/dinner on the table, house spotless, smiling wife there saying 'I have missed you'. I know its the 'dream' but it would make me feel trapped.

It sounds as if he is bored, frankly, and no amount of doing a nice tea for him is going to change that. If I was you I would be looking at my own finances, my own motivation for living, my own hobbies and friendships. Make sure that once in a while you are out when he gets home.

He needs to take responsibility for his own happiness - I dont think this is something you personally can 'fix'.

Fair enough, I take your points as valid but to huff and puff when his wife is complaining of pain just smacks of selfishness to me, I'd be concerned about the amount of time he is spending on his mobile etc, he may have found something else to entertain him, what's so wrong in sitting and talking and watching TV on a Saturday night, seems pretty normal to me.

victory

princeofpounds is exactly right. A person who constantly asks can feel they are being helpful, open, friendly, supportive but to the person that just wants to get some peace, to calm down, to not have to constantly think about it and worry it can come across as oppressive, invasive, unnecessary to rehash again and just plain annoying, negative, repetitive and boring.

victory

Joons wrote: »

Fair enough, I take your points as valid but to huff and puff when his wife is complaining of pain just smacks of selfishness to me, I'd be concerned about the amount of time he is spending on his mobile etc, he may have found something else to entertain him, what's so wrong in sitting and talking and watching TV on a Saturday night, seems pretty normal to me.

If the pain is acute it's all encompasing, every waking moment it's about the pain, how to ease it, how to get comfortable, how to get past the next second, minute, hour and it brings one down and everyone around the person suffering, self preservation to not be sucked into the vat if doom and gloom maybe the reason for the mobile.

WestonDave

If you get sick you have to deal with it - no choices, and to some degree you get the "positive" of everyone sympathising and thereby helping you adapt to what you have lost in terms of life quality.

If your partner gets sick, you often have a similar loss of life quality (without the pain obviously) but most of the time no-one shows any interest in what you are going through.

One of the most striking conversations I had with a long time friend who had known my wife has struggled with health and fatigue issues over the years came after he himself was diagnosed with a fatigue illness, and having seen what his wife's life had changed to, now realised what I'd been going through, whereas before his sympathies had been focused on her suffering.

Choosing to sacrifice your own quality of life to stick it out with a sick partner goes against most animal instincts - its only our limited higher human logic which fights against that, and its not surprising that when carers lack sympathy, lack outlets to express their frustration and aren't seen as needing counselling etc, many of them find the constant unending grind of their life hard to deal with without occasionally hitting low points where they start taking it out on their sick partner even in terms of lacking sympathy.

I can sympathise with the poster who said "don't phone/text etc at work" - I've been there looking at the caller id and not wanting to add whatever drama/emotional crisis/practical problem has arisen at home into the "peace" of my work day.

The reality here is that the partner probably hasn't properly come to terms with the sacrifice he has been drawn inadvertantly into making. No-one wants to look like a louse and leave a sick partner, but its not unfair to grieve for the ambitions he had when he started out in adult life. He is therefore quite possible still trying to hold onto both his dreams and the relationship and increasingly being pulled apart as the two possibilities diverge further and further.

Solving this needs to go back to fundamentals. You need to establish what is important in life to both of you, what is off limits (e.g. unnecessary social calls in work hours just because you are lonely or need distracting) and what is open for compromise. From that you can see if you can put together a way of life that works for both of you - it has to be a life for him as well as he's not there just to be a carer (other comments about having non caring aspects to life are valid points)

If his career is important to him in terms of the working day, then maybe the solution is to use some of the spare money for a cleaner etc so that when he comes home you aren't so tired or in pain (maybe because you've been able to rest or have a sleep). Establish "respite" times for him when he can have guilt free time off - having a rugby season ticket was a godsend for me at low points as 2 hours out of the house often was enough to avoid breaking point. They do need to be guilt free though to avoid that time becoming pressured in themselves as its all he's going to get so he "has to" enjoy it.

This is the point after a year of marriage where reality is hitting - it aint going to get better in terms of your health, he aint going to see some of his dreams happen, you've just lost a child on top of that which he may be struggling with (again no-one ever asks about the Father when a miscarriage happens!) so you need to treat this as being something which needs serious help. He needs a regular guilt free outlet that he can talk to, and is allowed to say that he finds being a carer tedious, that its annoying to come home after a day at work to find you sat on the sofa complaining etc etc, so that he can get those reasonable feelings out without them being part of home life. If he can't huff elsewhere he's going to huff at home!