Marriage in bits at the mo

geoffky

At least you can pinpoint most of your problems and understand the stress that illness brings...
It really does sound like you will both get through this with some hard work and effort....
I was ill years ago and my little one was just a few months old but my wife had to travel 50 miles everyday to see me in intensive care,,(She did not drive)
At the time i thought that it was just about me but looking back how she ever coped with what she was going through i will never know and it is a wonder that it did not effect our marriage.
I wish you well and think you will get through this..
My wife had cancer and i was just crap about it and to this day i never really opened up about it and just got on with it but looking back it was wrong and we should of really talked about our feelings towards it a lot more than we did..

toerag33

Feel I need to respond. I do empathise with you. I also don't have any answers. Parts of what you have written describe my situation. Pain is horrendous and affected / affects my behaviour. I did a course at a pain clinic which helps me manage my pain.

What do you do for you - yourself?

Kind regards
toerag33

Orlando_Virgin

First of all I have to say I am so sorry for your awful situation with your illnesses. You have endured far more than a normal person should ever have to endure. I empathise and can only hope that you get a spell of good health you deserve. It must be so, so difficult. Please keep posting, there are some absolutely wonderful people on here, Tayforth, Marisco, heartbreak_star but to name but a FEW. There is some fantastic help and advice around.

That being said I have to say being brutally honest if things keep going the same way they have then it just feels to me like you will drift apart, the two main reasons being his work and obviously your illness. Forgive me if this sounds blunt.

I am going to say something controversial and I know it isn't as straight forward as this, but he needs to be there for his wife more than his work at this moment in time and he seems to be blind to that fact. If you are in a healthy position financially there must be even the tiniest bit of time he can take out of his work to spend it with and supporting you.

With you being where you are both emotionally and physically, you need support from the man you love and rightly so. The counselling is a good start because straight away it puts him in to an environment where your relationship is the only focus for that time.

Best of luck xx

marisco_2

Excellent advice Orlando. Not controversial at all, you are just speaking total common sense. Hopefully counselling will help the OPs husband to feel able to face up to things and focus on what should be most important in his life.

LannieDuck

It sounds to me as if he's the one you offload on after a hard, painful day. And there's nothing wrong with that, except it's a very heavy burden to put on one person.

You say "If I said I was sore or what was hurting he now sometimes just huffs!". Do you say every evening what's sore or hurting? How long has this been going on - a year, 5 years? What sort of response do you want from him, when realistically there's nothing he can do to change the fact that the woman he loves is in pain? If it's just sympathy you're after, is that what he used to give you? After 5(?) years, is he perhaps become emotionally drained?

I'd like to suggest that your husband may be depressed. Working long hours, with an emotionally dependent wife (please know that I only mean that in a descriptive sense, I don't mean to attach negative connotations to it), and having just suffered a miscarriage.

He needs to see a doctor, and you need to find someone else to share the burden of your illness with.

heartbreak_star

Aww thanks O_V! How lovely of you to mention me

I, too sympathise with your illness OP...but I also sympathise with your husband. It does sound like he's withdrawing into himself - I would encourage him to see his GP regarding depression.

I can only use my mum and dad as examples. Mum has RA and has had operations, and I used to see my dad get so upset that he couldn't "fix" her pain, and he too threw himself into work because all he heard from Mum was how rubbish it was to be stuck in the house and he felt guilty that he'd started to switch off when she talked about it. So he worked to try and bring in more money to take her out, and as an escape.

Later in life, Dad had two strokes and my mum became his carer. Everyone sympathised with my dad...but it completely drained my mum despite her being back on her feet again. Effectively, the man she loved had been replaced by a husk, but all people said to her was "At least he's still here" and the like. She used to drive to quiet places and scream.

If I may suggest something? Have a night where you don't mention your pain unless he asks, and he comes home a bit early from work. Do something together. Cook a meal together, talk about films, books, music, anything that's not your current situation. Go to a movie or a pub quiz or some such. Have a PROPER date night at least once a month.

And take time out for yourself, to make you feel good despite your pain - mum said when dad was ill that just a nice bath and doing her nails made her feel better (her nail varnish collection rivals mine and she's 68 ), and dad said when mum was ill his two favourite things were a cycle along the promenade for the sea air, and me and him making breakfast for mum and us all eating it together.

I hope you can both pull back from this. Lots of love to you both!

HBS x

Mojisola

pinkfluffythings wrote: »

It usually is good. Some of it is done over the internet because we don't get time in the evening , send each other messages throughout the day. Its just my health and sometimes when I try and get him to contact his family that I get the glazed look

Many carers who still work use the time at work to "escape" from their caring role - I would hate to be contacted regularly throughout the day by the person I was caring for! Try giving him that space to himself.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I, too sympathise with your illness OP...but I also sympathise with your husband. It does sound like he's withdrawing into himself - I would encourage him to see his GP regarding depression.

If I may suggest something? Have a night where you don't mention your pain unless he asks, and he comes home a bit early from work. Do something together. Cook a meal together, talk about films, books, music, anything that's not your current situation. Go to a movie or a pub quiz or some such. Have a PROPER date night at least once a month.

Good advice from heartbreak_star - being a carer is a very heavy burden, especially if there isn't anyone else to take any of the pressure. Give him a chance to be your husband rather than always your carer.

heartbreak_star

Indeed - even people in relationships where there's not illness involved have to make time for each other and keep the romance alive

Good luck OP - I really feel for both of you!

HBS x

Joons

So sorry to hear of your health problems, you sound a very strong and positive person.

Re your OH, you need a frank talk with him and yes counselling might help too. Under no circumstances should he think it's acceptable to treat you this way, it's not. You manage to run a home, have his food ready for him and clean clothes whenever he wants and he huffs if you complain of pain - sorry but he's being incredibly selfish here, you're a good one and he should appreciate your goodness instead of huffing at your illnesses', as you say, if it was the other way around, you wouldn't treat him that way so what gives him the right to think it's okay to basically ignore you when he feels like it. If your outgoings are £500 a month and he's earning the equivalent of four people's monthly wage then for goodness sake he could easily cut down on the hours, that's if he wants to, you should be his priority, not work. My dad managed to care for my bedridden mum for 5 years and never showed her disrespect, your husband should be doing this without being nasty to you. Maybe he doesn't realise how hurftul he is being, it's up to you to make sure he does. Good luck with sorting out your pain, I really hope you get help.

pinkfluffythings

Thank you all so much for all the comments.

It would seem the miscarriage at the start of the year brought all this to a head.

After talking with him this morning it seems nothing has really changed. If anything its worse. The total blame of us not working is the fact I'm unwell.
I said that during the day when we send each other messages its all great, "how am I?" "he loves me". I look forward to him coming home, and no I don't usually say how I am feeling unless I am really bad and dinner is late. Its got to be the moment he walks in the door with a now practically silent blah attitude that I want him to go back out the door and I wonder where the guy I married is.
Honestly, sometimes if it wasn't for our dog we wouldn't speak.
He said, and he did say this 1 month after we lost our baby that he didn't want to come home to sadness. I understand that but I was literally distraught at that time. If anything now I'm all smiles, hugs, so glad you're home, I've missed you...

I'm going to be blunt and say something as it is. Many people I know with a chronic illness are as bad as me or worse. They stay in bed where they are comfortable. I haul myself up and don't go to bed unless I really need to. He complains about sitting in the living room on a Saturday night watching TV. I have said many times I don't honestly mind him going out, sitting and talking is out as the phone is glued to his hand. I sometimes am talking to a blank expressionless face, I know he's not listening, I say sure I'll just email you or tweet you.

Seems to be he's just fed up with me, is having more exciting conversation with random people online (Twitter/Fbook).

I think I might go up to Mums tonight, he wants me to anyway, seems he can't wait to get rid of me!!