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Marriage in bits at the mo

Just looking some advice or other views

Together 5 years, married just over a year, no kids.

When we both met we both had good jobs, his really fantastic with excellent pay. I fell in love and within a matter of weeks we got engaged.
6 weeks later, through his own fault of bad timekeeping and drinking too much, he was told to leave. Within 24 hours he had went from having a job, beautiful apartment, car .... to having nothing. I was living at home with my Mum at this stage, my Dad had died 10 weeks before this. He moved that day and we let him stay, he called his family and no-one would let him live with them so we of course we let him make our house his home.

He got another job but due to him being an idiot his past caught up with him and again he lost it.
By this stage I had started to feel unwell, had to cut my hours at work down to 4 days, then 2 days a week. I thought it was grief due to Dad's death but the pain was physical.
After 8 months we had rented our own home, I had to leave work completely because I was so bad. He was unable to find a job and we lived on my sickness benefit. It was hard to manage paying all the bills but I done it and we were happy, I was happy, he was down because of lack of job.
My health got worse and I was eventually diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

Fast forward a year. We had to move but this time to a bigger house, he had started working for himself, money was veryy tight, most weeks for the first year we didn't even break even.
He had always had family problems, his parents didn't want to know unless they wanted something and it was all just a messy family affair to me.

So to now. We have moved yet again, bigger, beautiful house most people would kill for, work wise he is working long hours but its paying him and he is getting the equivalent of 4 peoples monthly salary per month.
I am totally unable to work now. I stay at home. We both say this is my job, looking after the house. I now have arthritis, diabetes, had cancer twice, might have MS and now I have a !!!!!!! blood disorder which will make you sore. I've really got the soreness thing going against me but over the past few years of hell I have learnt to look at the good things, be them very small and insignificant to most. At the moment I am in bed, can see the fields in front of our house with the horses in, looking at the trees and watching the clouds move across the window. Simple yet for me it makes me smile.

OH has always tried his best to help me when he is at home, in his very own (I'm a man and can't see everything that needs done) way. I have a touch of OCD about having the house clean. Its because in my mind I am ill, I don't want visitors to think I am a lazy cow that sits on my bum all day. That's just the way I am, I get on with life, have the odd cry for 5 mins and then laugh. Yes my life health wise might be awful but I get on with it. Sore or not a loo needs cleaned!

We had a miscarriage in January which affected both of us. I went for counselling which helped. I now look on it as a positive sign that I can get pregnant yet I still know off the top of my head I would be 22 weeks by now. Makes me sad.

Ok so getting to the main reason I am posting / venting. He works from about 10-7 every day, home at 19:30, dinner literally on the table for him, clothes out for him, slippers, whatever he needs. I do it because I want him to know I love him with small gestures. He leaves a shirt in the washing basket in the morning, its washed and ironed before he even gets home that evening. That's just me.

He is finding my illness hard to cope/deal with now. He is angry about me being ill, angry at what its doing to me, angry at it but he's now taking it out on me. I noticed it month ago, it crept in. If I said I was sore or what was hurting he now sometimes just huffs!
Our normal evening after dinner and before bed (2 hours) is me sitting in the living room with him on his iphone. At the weekends we used to love having a day together watching stuff he downloaded, now he doesn't want to. Going out, yes its tricky for me but there are more places to go than a nightclub. He's tired at the weekends yet can't be bothered with me. Sometimes he is just so hurtful.

Last year he badly broke his leg, for 3 months he was housebound and worked from here. I literally washed him, dressed him for 3 months, did everything for him, broke my back lifting his wheelchair for hospital appointments. I didn't once get angry at him or resent him. I did regularly call him a idiot for doing it in the first place as it was totally his own fault, but that was a joke and taken as one.

We have been distant for days, I sat him down yesterday and asked him if it was my health making him so horrible to me. He said yes because he can't cope with it. I had asked him before about this, before we got married I told him to be sure and a few months ago I said I'd not hate him for leaving if he needed to.
Big row yesterday afternoon, he spent the night away, came back this morning, wanted to sort everything out. I had packed ready to go to Mum's indefinitely, I told him that if I went I'd prob not want to come back to it. Divorce was talked about, logically and amicably. He promised we could go to counselling and try again. Again.
I have thought about it and I am willing to try but want a few days to myself even if it is only in the spare bedroom.

All this emotional stress is killing me and thus making my physical health today a bit bad, on all my pain meds. I just hate being sad, any kind of arguing or nastiness.

I have no idea if this will work, if we will work and if he can except my health. I've stood by him through thick and thin, I don't think he will with me

Many thanks for taking the time to read
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Comments

  • tayforth
    tayforth Posts: 1,884 Forumite
    I just want to come round to your house and give you a big hug, because you need one.

    Is there anyone you can talk to?


    Well done for posting here, you are not alone xxx
    Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A

    Never regret something that once made you smile :A
  • tayforth wrote: »
    I just want to come round to your house and give you a big hug, because you need one.

    Is there anyone you can talk to?


    Well done for posting here, you are not alone xxx

    Thank you. I feel alone, can and have spoke to my Mum but can't tell her everything or she'll hate him as any Mother would to defend he child.

    I have spoke to someone independent and starting counselling this weekend xx
  • krustylouise
    krustylouise Posts: 1,501 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to say you seem an incredibly strong and mature person. Such an inspiration x

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  • marisco_2
    marisco_2 Posts: 4,261 Forumite
    edited 16 May 2013 at 8:43PM
    Your husband has seen you suffer with your health in an ever increasing way over the years. He knows that it negatively impacts your day to day life more and more. That would be very upsetting for anyone to see happening to the person they love. It would be natural for him to feel upset and frustrated on your behalf at how your illness effects and restricts you. To be getting angry at you because of it is not a respectful way for him to treat you at all though.

    Reading between the lines I think you are both under an awful lot of stress and pressure at the moment. You both lost a much wanted baby only a very short time ago. I notice you say that you had some counselling for this and I really hope that helped you to begin to come to terms with your loss. Did your husband have any counselling? If not he could be finding it very hard still to deal with his feelings about losing the baby.

    There is only so much anyone can cope with. He may be struggling to focus on his work and be fearing how he can keep meeting the costs of paying for a large house and your lifestyle. Would downsizing ease financial worries and give you more quality time as a couple? Whilst being under this amount of strain and by what you have disclosed here, not having any support emotionally or otherwise from his side of the family, he may not be thinking straight and this could be why he is behaving as he is. I am not trying to excuse his behaviour in any way, just trying to see things from all angles.

    I really hope that you both find counselling helpful and that it will enable you to talk completely openly and honestly with each other, to listen and to be able to see where the other one is coming from and to then find a positive way forward.
    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
  • Primmer
    Primmer Posts: 2,187 Forumite
    Car Insurance Carver! Cashback Cashier
    Sending hugs, the counselling will help whatever the outcome. Could you stay at your mums for a few days just to get some space and clear your head?
  • I can go to Mums for a few days but being totally honest its the hassle of taking me, my stuff, the dog.

    Marisco - I agree with you about everything. Work is so important to him, he seems to care more about it than our life together, we are so financially lucky that we have only about £500 per month in bills, for everything.
  • marisco_2
    marisco_2 Posts: 4,261 Forumite
    I now have arthritis, diabetes, had cancer twice, might have MS and now I have a !!!!!!! blood disorder which will make you sore.

    Going by the above you have really suffered healthwise. I cant even begin to comprehend how awful and frightening it must have been for you. You clearly still have so much to cope with too. Your husband must have been scared witless at times wondering whether you would recover and be okay.

    Does he fully understand your health conditions now, or could he still be in a state of panic about what the future could hold for you? This could be sending him into a deep depression. Sometimes when people feel this way they throw themselves into their work, unable to face or deal with what is causing them huge anxiety. This may be his only coping mechanism right now. Something that needs to be addressed, as long term the way things are currently will be detrimental to you both.

    You must do whatever feels best for you right now of course. Personally though if I were in your shoes, I would be trying to have a frank and honest conversation with him, to get to the bottom of what is going on. I hope you can resolve things either by yourselves or with counselling and start pulling together as a team again.
    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
  • He does know about my conditions and what they do to me, my medication and the side effects but its got to the stage now if I try and talk about what's going on with me, hospital appointments ... he just keeps on looking at his phone and I get a "yeah" every now and then.
  • Treevo
    Treevo Posts: 1,937 Forumite
    I don't think you can compare taking helping someone for three months to helping someone for years on end and shouldering the entire financial burden.

    There is always a temptation for those with a serious illness to inadvertently be selfish about their condition. They don't meant to be but everything comes back to it - how everything has affected you etc. the their partner's problems are minimised. A sort of 'it doesn't matter that you're earning all the money and working ridiculously long hours - I'm ill' type thing. The man broke his leg and still had to work! It's not easy being in a friendship with someone who is ill - so I can't imagine how hard it is to be in a relationship like that.

    I've noticed your post is very 'me, me, me' and I think you should probably cut him a little slack before you criticise him too much.
  • Hope I have not read this wrong, but why do you need a big house?

    Also why does he need to work all those hours?

    I would rather have a smaller property fully paid for and hubby working less hours so that we could spend quality time together.

    I do feel empathy for you both as it is no fun when one of you suffers from a disability and the other feels weighed down by it.

    Have you thought about getting counselling and or being referred to a pain clinic who can help with your condition.
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