Marriage in bits at the mo

Joons

victory wrote: »

If the pain is acute it's all encompasing, every waking moment it's about the pain, how to ease it, how to get comfortable, how to get past the next second, minute, hour and it brings one down and everyone around the person suffering, self preservation to not be sucked into the vat if doom and gloom maybe the reason for the mobile.

But from what the OP has said, she certainly does not sit and talk and moan about her health issues, far from it, she keeps her house sparkling, cooks nice meals for him and does his washing. He appears to work a lot fo hours but yet can't spend his Sat night talking with his wife, sorry, I don't get it, whatever happened to in sickness and in health, she did it for him when he had a broken leg remember.

victory

I understand the wife did it for him when he had a broken leg but that is not a comparison to what the wife is going through and will always have to go through to get to the end of each day. .

There is light at the end of the tunnel for a broken leg, it is not life long term changing, inconvenient and a bit difficult to deal with day to day but other than the little frustration of not being able to do everything for yourself daily it can bring its not a deal breaker, it doesn't leave lasting changes

weston dave says it all

BugglyB

Weston dave - a brilliant post. I hope things are better for you now.

Joons

victory wrote: »

I understand the wife did it for him when he had a broken leg but that is not a comparison to what the wife is going through and will always have to go through to get to the end of each day. .

There is light at the end of the tunnel for a broken leg, it is not life long term changing, inconvenient and a bit difficult to deal with day to day but other than the little frustration of not being able to do everything for yourself daily it can bring its not a deal breaker, it doesn't leave lasting changes

weston dave says it all

I don't disagree with that, I just feel he should be a bit more compassionate towards his wife, she's doing her best while he doesn't appear to be, is just my opinion ofcourse, I'm not looking for agreement, can only go on my gut instinct.

I also wonder how much of a `carer` he is considering the OP keeps the house spik and span, cooks a meal every night and keeps on top of his washing to the point I certainly don't. It doesn't sound like he's home much.

FBaby

OP was the pregnancy have planned? What I wonder reading your posts is whether your husband could be starting to question the credibility of your illness. On one hand your illness is affecting your ability to lead a normal life as a couple yet on the other your can devote yourself to looking after him and even looking after baby as it would seem he wouldn't be able to help much. Your illness is one that few people understand and maybe the pregnancy triggered something in him questioning it hence not being interested in hearing about it and retreating in himself.

Bennifred

WestonDave wrote: »

If you get sick you have to deal with it - no choices, and to some degree you get the "positive" of everyone sympathising and thereby helping you adapt to what you have lost in terms of life quality.

If your partner gets sick, you often have a similar loss of life quality (without the pain obviously) but most of the time no-one shows any interest in what you are going through.

One of the most striking conversations I had with a long time friend who had known my wife has struggled with health and fatigue issues over the years came after he himself was diagnosed with a fatigue illness, and having seen what his wife's life had changed to, now realised what I'd been going through, whereas before his sympathies had been focused on her suffering.

Choosing to sacrifice your own quality of life to stick it out with a sick partner goes against most animal instincts - its only our limited higher human logic which fights against that, and its not surprising that when carers lack sympathy, lack outlets to express their frustration and aren't seen as needing counselling etc, many of them find the constant unending grind of their life hard to deal with without occasionally hitting low points where they start taking it out on their sick partner even in terms of lacking sympathy.

I can sympathise with the poster who said "don't phone/text etc at work" - I've been there looking at the caller id and not wanting to add whatever drama/emotional crisis/practical problem has arisen at home into the "peace" of my work day.

The reality here is that the partner probably hasn't properly come to terms with the sacrifice he has been drawn inadvertantly into making. No-one wants to look like a louse and leave a sick partner, but its not unfair to grieve for the ambitions he had when he started out in adult life. He is therefore quite possible still trying to hold onto both his dreams and the relationship and increasingly being pulled apart as the two possibilities diverge further and further.

Solving this needs to go back to fundamentals. You need to establish what is important in life to both of you, what is off limits (e.g. unnecessary social calls in work hours just because you are lonely or need distracting) and what is open for compromise. From that you can see if you can put together a way of life that works for both of you - it has to be a life for him as well as he's not there just to be a carer (other comments about having non caring aspects to life are valid points)

If his career is important to him in terms of the working day, then maybe the solution is to use some of the spare money for a cleaner etc so that when he comes home you aren't so tired or in pain (maybe because you've been able to rest or have a sleep). Establish "respite" times for him when he can have guilt free time off - having a rugby season ticket was a godsend for me at low points as 2 hours out of the house often was enough to avoid breaking point. They do need to be guilt free though to avoid that time becoming pressured in themselves as its all he's going to get so he "has to" enjoy it.

This is the point after a year of marriage where reality is hitting - it aint going to get better in terms of your health, he aint going to see some of his dreams happen, you've just lost a child on top of that which he may be struggling with (again no-one ever asks about the Father when a miscarriage happens!) so you need to treat this as being something which needs serious help. He needs a regular guilt free outlet that he can talk to, and is allowed to say that he finds being a carer tedious, that its annoying to come home after a day at work to find you sat on the sofa complaining etc etc, so that he can get those reasonable feelings out without them being part of home life. If he can't huff elsewhere he's going to huff at home!

This is a most insightful post, WestonDave, thank you! We are in a similar position - I have MS and have had to give up work, cannot do as much around the house or go out as much as I want to (and used to). My OH is wonderfully supportive (especially practically) but I am very conscious that his life is impacted too, and encourage him to have his own interests which have nothing to do with work/house/wife as a release from the situation. It isn't always easy to wave him off with a smile on my face, but I know it makes it easier for him to cope with the worse days, and it does help me to feel less guilty about being a burden, too. We have been together for a long time, too, which perhaps helps us to be more tolerant of each others foibles.

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

I also wonder how much of a `carer` he is considering the OP keeps the house spik and span, cooks a meal every night and keeps on top of his washing to the point I certainly don't.

FBaby wrote: »

What I wonder reading your posts is whether your husband could be starting to question the credibility of your illness.

On one hand your illness is affecting your ability to lead a normal life as a couple yet on the other your can devote yourself to looking after him and even looking after baby as it would seem he wouldn't be able to help much. Your illness is one that few people understand and maybe the pregnancy triggered something in him questioning it hence not being interested in hearing about it and retreating in himself.

I wondered this. It might be that pinkfluffythings's determination not to "give in" is actually making her OH doubt whether she is as bad as she says.

I would much rather save the energy and spend time doing things with my OH than have a house spick and span but then housework has never been a major priority for me!

lostinrates

I am another sufferer of long term ill health.

I can only agree with those saying its hard for a partner, equally hard in a different way.

I often bemoan privately what 'I have lost' in vigour, skill, ability, lifestyle, but in reality my dh has lost that too.....if I cannot go out he would dream of going out with out me. Even when I encourage him.

The dreams I have lost so has he.

Fwiw, we have no children either. We were offered fertility intervention (i was advised to have some eggs frozen) very early on in my illness. (It was thought then unlikely I would have children) and we thought about it and decided with immense sadness not to take it. We felt very strongly that a. We wouldn't want to risk anything being carried on to a next generation and 2. If I am not well enough to do much I long for now I might not be well enough to care for a child reliably.

In later years we considered fostering and adoption and for various reasons , and no small amount of sadness, have opted to stay child free. We don't use birth control. Ultimately, if I carry a baby then my body has coped well, but if I cannot then nature is telling is something ...whether its to do with how my body will cope or the health of the next generation who knows. anyone breeding from a dog or cat or horse with poor health would be considered irresponsible in the extreme.


The final thing to add is that there is a 'sick person mentality' most of us with long term ill health have to guard against. It's a big demon for me, I catch myself either not factoring in health at all, or not factoring in LIFE into the ill health. It's not a conscious thing, and we don't mean to, but we often do fall into patterns anyway.


OP, is there any thing you could do outside the home for a little fulfilment or stimulation? A pt role? A course ? We started a micro business a clue of years ago and while its sometimes very difficult on a bad day, on the good days it really is fabulous and its kept fighting.

victory

As has been said some release has to be put into place where no mention of illness is made, carefree happy days that can be look forward to.

No one from both sides envisaged their lives as they are now, it's making the best of what you have and not letting it take over.

I think the housework is made into a major thing because its more than housework, it's saying ' look I am capable of looking after you, I can give you what you need, I can do things, don't see me as inacpable'

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

I wondered this. It might be that pinkfluffythings's determination not to "give in" is actually making her OH doubt whether she is as bad as she says.

I would much rather save the energy and spend time doing things with my OH than have a house spick and span but then housework has never been a major priority for me!

I think it depends opn where you are in the ill health. The last two years my house has become ...um....not something I am that proud of. I live in an uofinished restoration property and last summer I was really very ill and spent most of the summer in bed/asleep. Priorities were squeezing what I could into very few waking hours. Before that, before the business and house move, housework was pretty much the limit of a day when I wanted to achieve and perhaps be physical but could n't get out.

Have to admit, I think I am now half way in between, I want a beautifully clean home, but my resources are stretched and being able to do other stuff takes priority most days, but not all.