Affair = Marriage and happiness?

catkins

Folio wrote: »

It was on mine. After 14 years in a marriage where my husband was either working or sleeping (work >home>dinner>sleep on sofa>bed and repeat except weekends, then it was just a long lie in till lunch then sofa) I met someone at work.

We became friends, which led to an affair. We have now been together 26 years and married for 23 of them. I was sad that my children had to go through a breakup, but can honestly say I have not once missed my first husband and never once regreted marrying my second.

Did you try talking to your first husband? If things were bad why did you not leave him?

tayforth wrote: »

I agree.

In answer to the question: what is an affair?

IMHO...

Having feelings for someone else is not an affair.

Acting on those feelings is an affair. Whether that's a quick s**g or a full-blown emotional affair complete with red wine and roses, it's all the same.

We don't have control over our feelings; we do have control over our actions.

Totally agree. I always think it is pathetic when people say things like "I didn't mean to sleep with him/her". Oh so did your clothes magically fall off and you were thrown into bed together against your will?

Of course we have control over our actions but it suits some people to pretend they had no choice. I just cannot understand how anyone can cheat on someone they have even a small amount of feeling for. Surely you could only cheat on someone you hated?

I know I could never do it because of the guilt, because of the way it would make me feel dirty, because I believe it is totally wrong and because I know how my husband would feel because that is how I would feel if he cheated on me.

Folio

catkins wrote: »

Did you try talking to your first husband? If things were bad why did you not leave him?


Yes I tried talking to him, made no difference though. I was (and wanted to be) a SAHM, but ended up getting a job to save my sanity and have people to talk to. I had no family close by (and they arent supportive anyway). It was at work I met my 2nd husband as I said in my earlier post.

Why didn't I leave anyway? No money, nowhere to go. He wasn't violent or scaring the children, just ignored us most of the time.

He is still the same today. He has no contact with our kids, he cant be bothered. And despite my affair leading to their home breaking up, my older 2 say their stepfather has been a better parent than their real dad. I had 2 more children with my 2nd husband and all 4 kids get along great. So in my case yes an affair led to deep and lasting happiness.

VestanPance

Personally I'd never trust a cheater. One a cheat, always a cheat. It's a specific selfish and vile character trait in the people that would perform that type of action.

I don't believe in the these things just happen/no control type excuses that get rolled out either. If there are problems in a relationship attempt to fix them. If you can't fix them then split-up and then move on. If you have no control over your own actions either grow-up or don't get involved with others.

There's no such thing as no control. or it just happened. That's just a weak reason to excuse the cheaters behaviour in my book. Right up there with the transferral excuse that their partner pushed them into it. Once again an attempt to absolve them from their own actions.

CustardAndPickles

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes...

I was very much "anti-cheat" - as far as I was concerned, adultery was horrendous and unforgivable.

I ended up in an emotional dead marriage to a man who was nothing like the man I married. He ended up married to a woman who had an illness that scared him. We changed tremendously over the course of our almost 20 years together.

Our relationship died slowly, over years, it was like boiling a frog, we didn't notice. Perhaps if there had been screaming rows all the time, but there wasn't - we just turned into strangers and I genuinely thought this was the way things were when you were together for so long. We knew things weren't perfect - we tried counselling and date nights and making deliberate attempts to be nicer to each other. Nothing made any difference , we were just housemates, if that.

Leaving never entered my head. We had been together for so long, I couldn't imagine life without him. But then I didn't realise how unhappy I was until I met my new partner - I wasn't looking for love but it found me. I moved out within a month, but for some of the more prescriptive people on here, that would make me "a cheat", someone with no morals, someone who is untrustworthy etc.

Should I have realised I had fallen in love with someone else, walked away from my new partner (I am now happier than I have ever been) to go back to my emotionally (and physically) dead marriage and talk it through some more? I suppose I could have done, and kudos to those who would do that. Instead, I walked away and chose to be happy.

My ex-husband was devastated...for about a week. Telling him I was leaving was terrible. A month later he was dating, and two months after I left, he met a new partner that he is still with now. I see him sometimes (we get on better now than we ever did) and he has a light in his eyes he never had with me.

I understand that affairs can be destructive. My mother and father divorced when my dad left my mum for another woman. My mother is still furious and bitter. She still can't say his name - they were together 40 years and have been apart for 6. So I have seen "the other side".

I just think the completely black and white opinions some people are posting are a little naive. Everybody's different, everybody's relationship is different.

cheepskate_2

CustardAndPickles wrote: »

Should I have realised I had fallen in love with someone else, walked away from my new partner (I am now happier than I have ever been) to go back to my emotionally (and physically) dead marriage and talk it through some more? I suppose I could have done, and kudos to those who would do that. Instead, I walked away and chose to be happy.

Nobody is saying you should stay with your original partner, but if you are so unhappy then don't wait until you have another bed to fall into before you leave.......

The above quote really annoys me as this is always trotted out by people who have affairs They act as if there is no middle ground.

Person_one

CustardAndPickles wrote: »

Should I have realised I had fallen in love with someone else, walked away from my new partner (I am now happier than I have ever been) to go back to my emotionally (and physically) dead marriage and talk it through some more? I suppose I could have done, and kudos to those who would do that. Instead, I walked away and chose to be happy.

I refer you to my earlier post:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=61229057&postcount=60

CustardAndPickles

cheepskate wrote: »

Nobody is saying you should stay with your original partner, but if you are so unhappy then don't wait until you have another bed to fall into before you leave.......

The above quote really annoys me as this is always trotted out by people who have affairs They act as if there is no middle ground.

Like I said, and you might have missed, I didn't realise how unhappy I was. Maybe you've never been in that kind of position (I hope you haven't) - when misery creeps in slowly you notice at first, but then eventually it becomes normal. The odd little jibe, the dropping off of intimacy, the odd angry word, the first time you notice, but eventually it becomes normal.

So as I said, I didn't realise I was so unhappy until I met him. What middle ground do you think there was that I missed?

justme111

cheepskate wrote: »

Nobody is saying you should stay with your original partner, but if you are so unhappy then don't wait until you have another bed to fall into before you leave.......

The above quote really annoys me as this is always trotted out by people who have affairs They act as if there is no middle ground.

Cheapskate , people do not realise where they are and what their life is because they are IN it. Or they realise but do not want to change until they get additional nudge by meeting someone. What is criminal in realising married life became a rut and decide to move on after meeting someone versus before meeting someone ? After all it is not as if one carries affair and lies trying to have their cake and eat it.

marisco_2

CustardAndPickles wrote: »

I just think the completely black and white opinions some people are posting are a little naive. Everybody's different, everybody's relationship is different.

Would you have wanted to be cheated on? If the answer to that question is no, then you shouldn't have done it to your partner. It is clear there were serious issues in your relationship. You could have both made the effort to have worked on those or made the decision to end things in a civil manner. Most adults manage to not play stupid games in their relationships and can treat each other with respect even through the really bad times. It boils down to having enough self respect to want to behave with decency and integrity toward the one you are with.

Folio

The OP asked what the chances were of having a happy long relationship that started as an affair, so many of the posts that are passing judgments on people who have had affairs are completely beside the point.