Affair = Marriage and happiness?

Tigsteroonie

Folio wrote: »

The OP asked what the chances were of having a happy long relationship that started as an affair, so many of the posts that are passing judgments on people who have had affairs are completely beside the point.

:T:T:T

I wonder how the OP would define a 'long' relationship. 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? For the record, I was with my Ex for 13.5 years and that relationship started as an affair.

CustardAndPickles

marisco wrote: »

Would you have wanted to be cheated on? If the answer to that question is no, then you shouldn't have done it to your partner. It is clear there were serious issues in your relationship. You could have both made the effort to have worked on those or made the decision to end things in a civil manner. Most adults manage to not play stupid games in their relationships and can treat each other with respect even through the really bad times. It boils down to having enough self respect to want to behave with decency and integrity toward the one you are with.

I appreciate that, based on what I've read here, you had a horrific time (and even that is putting it mildly).
I don't know if my partner cheated on me. He asked me once if I would mind (he wanted a certain type of intimacy I couldn't provide for him). I said that as long as I didn't find out, and it was only physically, it wouldn't bother me.
I walked away leaving him with the house, and a ridiculously small mortgage payment. I was honest with him from the moment I knew. You don't know me, and you are welcome to scoff, but I was decent and had integrity. But in the end, sometimes, you need to look to your own happiness. I spent 10 years desperately unhappy, and walking away was the best I could do. Perhaps it would have been better if I'd known how sad I was, but sometimes you just don't.

monkeychops

CustardAndPickles wrote: »

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes..

I just think the completely black and white opinions some people are posting are a little naive. Everybody's different, everybody's relationship is different.

I don't think people are being naïve in thinking infidelity is wrong

spender

I thank everyone who has contributed and am very aware that as in life people do not always agree and appreciate the adult way people are commenting on this.

What I have found surprising is that everyone has generally said "yes we are happy" and are still together after our affair. This flies in the good old stats figures.

Is there anyone who will openly admit, I had an affair, I ended my marriage and then the affair ended?

alias*alibi

spender wrote: »

I thank everyone who has contributed and am very aware that as in life people do not always agree and appreciate the adult way people are commenting on this.

What I have found surprising is that everyone has generally said "yes we are happy" and are still together after our affair. This flies in the good old stats figures.

Is there anyone who will openly admit, I had an affair, I ended my marriage and then the affair ended?

My husband probably would. Had an affair; caused untold hurt and misery with my DD suffering terribly; got the OW pregnant then realised this wasn't what he wanted or planned; and begged for forgiveness. I took him back after lots of soul searching; but I'm now not sure if I'm really happy so his affair had a huge impact on us and the OW as she's now bringing up a daughter in a single parent household.

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

My husband probably would. Had an affair; causes untold hurt and misery with my DD suffering terribly; got the OW pregnant then realised this wasn't what he wanted or planned; and begged for forgiveness. I took him back after lots of soul searching; but I'm now not sure if I'm really happy so his affair had a huge impact on us and the OW as she's now bringing up a daughter in a single parent household.

I remember your thread A*A.

It was like a bomb had gone off in your lives, awful for everybody except the man who caused it all.

I'm sorry things are still so tough for you.

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

I remember your thread A*A.

It was like a bomb had gone off in your lives, awful for everybody except the man who caused it all.

I'm sorry things are still so tough for you.

Thanks. Things aren't tough as such; I just don't know if im happy and can't think of the future. I often find myself thinking 'is this what life is all about; is this my lot'. I try to be happy, sometimes I think I am, but am I really? I guess I'll figure it out one way or another one day :-/

tayforth

alias*alibi wrote: »

Thanks. Things aren't tough as such; I just don't know if im happy and can't think of the future. I often find myself thinking 'is this what life is all about; is this my lot'. I try to be happy, sometimes I think I am, but am I really? I guess I'll figure it out one way or another one day :-/

What a telling question. I used to ask myself the same question iro my own marriage. Thankfully, in my case, the answer was 'no', and I am now moving on - and far happier.


I really hope that you find peace, happiness and fulfilment xxx

coinxoperated

VestanPance wrote: »

Personally I'd never trust a cheater. One a cheat, always a cheat. It's a specific selfish and vile character trait in the people that would perform that type of action.

I don't believe in the these things just happen/no control type excuses that get rolled out either. If there are problems in a relationship attempt to fix them. If you can't fix them then split-up and then move on. If you have no control over your own actions either grow-up or don't get involved with others.

There's no such thing as no control. or it just happened. That's just a weak reason to excuse the cheaters behaviour in my book. Right up there with the transferral excuse that their partner pushed them into it. Once again an attempt to absolve them from their own actions.

Just wanted to pop in on this one. I had struggled to be faithful with any of my ex-partners before meeting my OH. It sounds awful, and now I feel bad for doing it. Was it the right choice? No. Should I have just split with them? Yes. BUT - the fact I could do that to them, really meant in my heart of hearts that I was never going to be with that person 'forever'.

Of course we have control, but when controlling it means less than doing it, that is a blatant sign that it's over anyway.

I was with someone for 5 years, that after an extremely miserable 6-8 months where we didn't sleep together, got fed up with each other, just lost every reason we were together, I cheated. And it was the best thing I ever did in many ways!!! I cheated 7 weeks before our wedding. It all felt overwhelming. And when I realised I didn't feel guilty about the chance of hurting him, but what would happen to ME if he found out (lose house etc), I realised that it just needed to be over. 2 days later we broke-up. It was sad, but the best thing to happen.

Cheating is sometimes a way of admitting to yourself what you were thinking. It also sometimes makes things clearer than messier!

I couldn't dream of cheating on my OH. He annoys me sometimes, we argue sometimes, its not all roses and chocolates! But would I ever want to hurt him like that? No. If it's ever over, it won't be because I ever wanted to hurt him or tried to. He's an amazing person and I trust that he would treat me with the same level of respect.

Cheating is not something someone does 'forever', nor does it make them incapable of having an amazing relationship that lasts a lifetime where they don't cheat.

justme111

If it was like in above case , whwre they split 3 days after , what would be the reasons for the one left not to have trust ? They were not living a lie , as soon as their so had sex with someone else they split. What are the scars ? That someone can leave them ?