Affair = Marriage and happiness?

justme111

Agreed. I can see how it could be a source for major painful issues - feeling that one has lived a sham. Whether the offender confessed in a few days/weeks/months and went his/her own way or it was discovered by whoever was cheated on would make a difference in that case.

spender

I do wonder whether the old adage "the grass is always greener on the other side until you get to the other side and realise it is the same colour" applies to my ex.

I do think that to have an affair must be exciting etc due to the level of risk but once the illicit stops being illicit the relationship is just like any other.

I am interested in whether people who have affairs actually stay long term with the person they had the affair with or whether it burns out quickly and they move on to another relationship.

There is no wrong or right answer and everyone has their own opinions. I do think however these days it is easy to get out of a marriage instead of working at it.

You lose a lot when a relationship breaks down. I am middle aged and the thought of going back to not having financial security etc and the stability and love of a long term relationship means that I would personally think twice about having an affair (although the opportunity has not fortunately ever reared it's head lol)

meritaten

I do know of one very happy marriage that started as an affair. only ended when the wife died. I know of several more which lasted only a short time though!

Mattygroves2

I started as a mistress and we have now been together for 20 years and married for 16. When we first got together we were both in relationships and I'd known for a while that my relationship was dead and ended it quite quickly. Although my boyfriend knew I'd cheated on him we continued to be good friends (which is what our relationship had been for at least 6 months prior to the affair) and often met up for a drink and we even had a couple of nights out as couples when he met his new girlfriend. No kids though to muddy the waters.

My husband had been what would be called a serial adulterer before me but hasn't strayed since we got together and there are no trust issues on either side. I think in his case that he married the wrong woman and until I came along hadn't found anybody he felt strongly enough about to upset his parents and their circle of friends. He did have kids to consider and it took about 6 months of counselling for him to finally make the decision to leave. He managed to keep a civil relationship with his ex and we have both got good relationships with the kids who are now adults - both us and his ex and her new husband (who have been together at least 16 years) were on the top table at the wedding of the eldest and at the christening of the first grandson. His ex and I will never be friends but we are civil when we meet and she let the kids make their own minds and they have always had contact with their father.

I agree that he probably was selfish during his previous affairs and whilst seeing me and I'm sure his ex was very hurt at the time but I suspect it has actually turned out for the best for all - he wasn't happy in his marriage but I suspect she wasn't either.

clearingout

justme111 wrote: »

Clearingout , a lot of what you so emotionally listed goes with any separation , not necessarily with cheating. Would you suggest that people never separate because if they did they would made whoever they left feeling unlovable and causing them grief in having to deal with another significant adult in kids life ? Or do you imply that kids would sob less if family breakdown was not due to cheating but other reasons ?

there is a huge difference between a relationship breaking down and both partner treating each other with decency and respect within that process and one partner cheating on the other and expecting that person to just suck it up and get on with it.

And there is a huge difference in how children cope if their parents are able to sensibly communicate and understand what has happened and why rather than again, one of them being the last to know and have to deal with the playing catch up and the humiliation...etc. etc. etc.

justme111

clearingout wrote: »

there is a huge difference between a relationship breaking down and both partner treating each other with decency and respect within that process and one partner cheating on the other and expecting that person to just suck it up and get on with it.
yes , as I said later it may be difficult for one being cheated on as they would feel they lived pretence.
And there is a huge difference in how children cope if their parents are able to sensibly communicate and understand what has happened and why rather than again, one of them being the last to know and have to deal with the playing catch up and the humiliation...etc. etc. etc.

You equate cheating to not being able to communicate. Those are different notions. Saying "you are guilty that I was unable to communicate civil" is shifting responsibility.

nickj_2

the grass is very rarely greener on the other side of the fence

Folio

nickj wrote: »

the grass is very rarely greener on the other side of the fence

It was on mine. After 14 years in a marriage where my husband was either working or sleeping (work >home>dinner>sleep on sofa>bed and repeat except weekends, then it was just a long lie in till lunch then sofa) I met someone at work.

We became friends, which led to an affair. We have now been together 26 years and married for 23 of them. I was sad that my children had to go through a breakup, but can honestly say I have not once missed my first husband and never once regreted marrying my second.

ruby-roo_2

365days wrote: »

I think this is interesting. To me a partner having feelings for another person is far more damaging than just having sex with them. I think I could forgive a 'bit on the side' but not a deep emotional bond whether it included sex or not.

You are stronger than me. I could not forgive either of those scenarios. Once the trust is gone a relationship is broken beyond repair.

pupsicola

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

Plenty of people cheat on their current partner and they stay with them long term, as their partner never finds out. That seems to prove that cheaters can stay in a long term relationship: although whether they stay faithful is another matter

I'm sure their oblivious partner thinks their relationship is "worthwhile" and precious".

That is an awful way to live and to treat people who are meant to be special to you.