Affair = Marriage and happiness?

marisco_2

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

Plenty of people cheat on their current partner and they stay with them long term, as their partner never finds out.

I'm sure their oblivious partner thinks their relationship is "worthwhile" and precious".

What horrendous logic.

That just smacks of someone having their cake and eating it. Choosing to have an affair and playing away, whilst staying in the safety of their relationship. To stoop so low as to do that is to treat a partner with utter contempt.

People who cheat and then keep it quiet from their partner, take away the option for them to decide if they are still happy to continue to be in a relationship with them. It is a total abuse of trust.

Their partner is unwittingly in a total farce of a relationship, living a lie with the potential of having their world blown apart, if an affair were ever to be discovered. Not something anyone would choose to do if they were in possession of the facts and aware of the reality of their situation.

The way you write your post is as if you think these actions are something to be proud of. That speaks volumes about what kind of person you are and your lack of any morals.

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

I'd opt for neither, personally.

I think people need to be self aware, and if you're seriously contemplating sex with somebody else, or starting to feel as though you might be falling for someone else or bonding just a bit too much, then that's the stage at which you put the brakes on and look at your existing relationship.

It might be that its a trigger to realise you are no longer happy, or are with the wrong person. It might be a wake up call that you want to make things work and you can initiate counselling. Either way, you take responsibility and resolve things one way or the other before you embark upon anything that could conceivably be called cheating.

I agree.


In answer to the question: what is an affair?


IMHO...


Having feelings for someone else is not an affair.


Acting on those feelings is an affair. Whether that's a quick s**g or a full-blown emotional affair complete with red wine and roses, it's all the same.


We don't have control over our feelings; we do have control over our actions.

alias*alibi

clearingout wrote: »

so the end justifies the means? if you have an affair and are still with that person 5, 10, 15...years later, it's OK? Sod the fact that at least one other person went to hell and back, was lied to, had to potentially suffer the loss of their home, their standard of living, their hopes, dreams, everything they had worked towards for much of their adult life to have been the last to know and suffer the humilliation of being alone and feeling totally unloveable, to have close friends invite your ex and the 'other person' to dinner but never pick up the phone when they call so they eventually stop calling and tick off the loss of yet another friendship, have to explain to their children what had happened and listen to them sob, ask why and blame themselves, have to deal with another 'significant other' adult in their children's lives and all the crap that goes with that, have to work incredibly hard at trusting anyone again and all the crap that goes with that, the loss of friendships and people who were once your family.....?

Then have to put up with people whispering about you 5, 10, 15 years later because yes, you do struggle with it all and it was life changing and never quite goes away no matter how hard you may have worked to 'move on', saying that you're 'bitter' and god forbid you shouldn't have found yourself a new spouse, you're labelled every ignorant, derogatory name under the sun, quietly talked about and looked at with that pitying smile, to hear that you turned your children against the ex without fail because obviously your children are not capable of making their own moral judgments or decisions on who they want to have a relationship with (or not), to be reduced to begging your ex for money to pay for school shoes and read stories on parenting forums about 'do you think she's not paying the children enough attention because she's a single mum?' and 'would the children be better off living with us 'cos we're a family now and she's just a single mum?'....

I suggest those of you who say that it's OK because obviously everyone's happier now tries it for themselves sometime and see how it works for them. And then return in 5 years time and let us know how they're getting on.

Well said. Only those who have been on the other end of an affair truly know how gut wretchingly hard and heart breaking it can be to move on. X

tayforth

365days wrote: »

I think this is interesting. To me a partner having feelings for another person is far more damaging than just having sex with them. I think I could forgive a 'bit on the side' but not a deep emotional bond whether it included sex or not.

To me a long term liason, lunches, texts, dinners emotional intimacy is far more damaging to the current relationship than a couple of nights of lust.

What's everyone calling an affair?

I couldn't forgive either of those things.

Person_one

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

I'm sure their oblivious partner thinks their relationship is "worthwhile" and precious".

Well, that's because they're being deceived, isn't it?

Alpha58

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

Plenty of people cheat on their current partner and they stay with them long term, as their partner never finds out.

Much as I dislike the idea of commenting on others' opinions - that is just plain shabby. It's OK to mess around as long as you don't get caught? Yeuch.

Please tell me I have misunderstood what you were saying!

System

Well my ex and the woman he left me for are having a baby, so i can only assume the grass was greener after all. That said i'm pretty sure she did at one point catch him cheating :eek: Not my problem anymore...i'm very happy with my bf (who was most definetly single when we got together)

clearingout

oh and I forgot about the bit where you're forced to sit it out at the local sexual health clinic, terrified because you've no idea what you could have been exposed to whilst sobbing 'cos you're just so damned humiliated. Those of you who think the end justifies the means should give that a try sometime.

justme111

Clearingout , a lot of what you so emotionally listed goes with any separation , not necessarily with cheating. Would you suggest that people never separate because if they did they would made whoever they left feeling unlovable and causing them grief in having to deal with another significant adult in kids life ? Or do you imply that kids would sob less if family breakdown was not due to cheating but other reasons ?

Person_one

justme111 wrote: »

Clearingout , a lot of what you so emotionally listed goes with any separation , not necessarily with cheating. Would you suggest that people never separate because if they did they would made whoever they left feeling unlovable and causing them grief in having to deal with another significant adult in kids life ? Or do you imply that kids would sob less if family breakdown was not due to cheating but other reasons ?

Being betrayed and deceived adds that little something extra to the end of a relationship. Its much better when people can separate without cheating and go their separate ways with dignity intact on both sides.