Affair = Marriage and happiness?

marisco_2

justme111 wrote: »

Liz , of course I do not assume everybody who has been left turns up like that. Many do. They make children take sides and they keep using derogative terms towards their exes years after.

I think it is awful when parents use children like pawns in a game when they split up. It is a very damaging way to behave and causes horrendous upset and anxiety to all involved. I strongly believe that children are entitled to have strong, loving and positive relationships with both their parents and all the extended family on both sides.

Due to this belief I have never encouraged our children to take sides between my ex and I, nor used derogative terms when speaking of him or made it difficult in any way for him to have access to them. As it turns out he decided to walk away from them altogether over 4 years ago.

I have moved on with my life and will not allow myself to be bitter and twisted about what went on. To be like that drags you down and restricts you being able to move on positively and happily with your life. I do think though that many underestimate how damaging discovering an affair is and the devestating impact that it has on a person. Unless you have gone through that experience, it is something that is very hard to fully comprehend.

justme111

Wow lizzie , you even done school events together !
Classical , none of the couple happy , woman wants to talk , man withdraws into affair.
On a subject - I guess depends on circumstances - how long affair , who was an initiator in a split , whether there was an affair on both sides etc etc . I am not of high opinion about strength nobility and reasoning of human specie and looking at participants of affairs and separations only confirms my opinion in most of cases.

Michelin

People have affairs for many reasons and all of us can say we would behave in a certain way but unless you find yourself in a situation, you do not always behave how you thought you would. I think all of us would agree that it is better to leave an unhappy relationship before embarking on an affair so that you do not cause unnecessary pain to your partner, but sometimes things are not always so cut and dried.

My second marriage is the product of my affair and we have been together very happily for 25 years. I am not proud that I had an affair and I regret causing hurt to my ex husband to this day (although I don't regret meeting my current husband) but he has also remarried and is very happy, probably much happier than when he was with me.

But to the OPs question, yes, it is possible have a meaningful relationship following an affair as is the case in my experience. My first marriage lasted 10 years so my second marriage has lasted a lot longer. In my case, the thought that 'once a cheat, always a cheat' has not proven true. I was the cheat - I was married - whereas he was divorced but I have never wanted anyone else since we got together.

This is a very interesting thread and I always find the views different depending on whether you have had an affair - or been the victim of one - or not. None of the views are wrong, they are just based on experiences and beliefs.

shellsuit

justme111 wrote: »

Ok. What if she did not have affair but just left , would you blame her the same ? What if it was not about your parents which is personal and it is difficult for you to be objective but someone else ? Why do you put responsibility of how one feels on someone else ? What if a girl said no thanks to a guy and he went into a long depression , sectioned or whatever else not so nice , would
you blame the girl for it ? From what I seen it is not do much the fact of a breakup but how a parent who has been damped reacts that causes the damage. As they are hurt they turn spiteful manipulative and selfish.

They did have an affair though, so I don't see your point at all, although I can't make much sense of your post anyway, sorry.

It's the cheating and lying which destroys people, it doesn't have to be the actual affair, it can be finding out you've been living a lie for X amount of time.

Nobody NEEDS to have an affair, people CHOOSE to have them and that's what I find completely ignorant and selfish, because the people having the affairs are only thinking of themselves.

charlie-chan

I left someone who I had been with for eight years. My new OH and I didn't go the best way about it but my ex-partner wasn't the best person to talk to. He would have strops when something didn't go his way and he would just ignore me when I tried to ask if meeting my new OH (as friends) would be fine.

He had a lot of issues that I didn't help with because of what I had done and now, according to his FB picture, he seems like he is with someone new who makes him a lot happier.

We were together out of convenience towards the end and he didn't appreciate me for who I was. He would take me for granted and expect me to be okay with that. I wasn't going to put up with it for a lifetime and I had to take the first step to leave him.

I am not trying to justify this "affair" but I wasn't happy and I had finally met someone who made me very happy. I do still feel guilty and I do miss my ex.. it isn't easy going from speaking to someone every day for eight years to no contact.

Mrs_Z

marisco wrote: »

To me it is very simple. If there are problems in a relationship a couple owe it to each other to try and work through them together. If after trying everything they cant resolve their differences, then they could consider counselling or make the painful decision to part. That would be a respectful way to treat each other

Yes, I do agree that couples should try and work out their relationships before embarking on an affair, etc - but it does not always happen that way for many reasons. Or to end their current relationship before starting another, but who's perfect? I just dont think that people who do not manage to live their life the perfect way and by the book should be automatically judged untrustworthy and without morals. When affairs happen there are lessons to be learned for everyone involved.

cheepskate_2

Another little interesting bit would be

If you met your partner through an affair(whatever way), How many people have either had an affair or been cheated on with that partner, whether you have split up over it or not.

This may be a bit harder as once a person has cheated, they learn from that in how to cover things up better.

marisco_2

Mrs_Z wrote: »

When affairs happen there are lessons to be learned for everyone involved.

Most definately this is the case. Those who are cheated on learn very quickly, that everything they held dear and had faith in can be blown to smithereens, often without them ever having suspected anything was wrong.

When you discover that the person you love has been unfaithful it leaves you devestated and feeling stupid, used, betrayed and lied to. You spend the whole time questioning what you did wrong, how things could go so wrong. Wondering why your partner could not talk to you.

Lots of people dont trust easily. So when someone has placed their trust in you it is cruel to make them regret it. The long term effect of having been cheated on, is that someone can feel unable to ever be able to trust in another person again enough to have new relationships. This could be said of me.

Often someone who has an affair is either not able to, or chooses not to acknowledge any of this.

MrsE_2

duchy wrote: »

I think marriage cheats fall into too distinct categories . Those who genuinely fall hard for someone else and end their marriage quickly and decently and remain faithful ............ And serial cheats who are unlikely to change ther behaviour long term regardless of whom they are with.

Yes, def.

My first husband has been a serial adulter all his life (I was his first, I must have created a monster:eek:). He has cheated on every woman, has families all over the place:eek: The latest woman is my (his) daughters age:eek:
My second husband was in a very unhappy relationship with an awful woman, trapped by children.

Person_one

londonTiger wrote: »

Sometimes a person cheats out of necessity

Sorry, but :rotfl:

I think we have very different ideas of 'necessity'!