Affair = Marriage and happiness?

spender

I am the OP I am in my second marriage which has lasted longer than my first which lasted over 10 years.

My ex is now married yet again and always seems to be seeking Mrs Right although he is so Mr Wrong.

My opinion is that once the lust and thrill of an affair wears off you are swapping one lifestyle for another except for a different partner and many people regret destroying their original relationship for or that is just mediocre!

I am not including DV and abuse cases or anyone with a legitimate need to leave

I too have found some stats which contradict the ones above I have pasted a paragraph below.


The divorce rate for first marriages -- meaning a marriage in which neither person has been married before -- is reportedly between 40 and 50%. But for second marriages, in which at least one of the spouses has been married once before, the rate jumps to between 60 and 67%. And for third marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married twice before), it's a whopping 70-73%.

justme111

Liz , of course I do not assume everybody who has been left turns up like that. Many do. Theyvmakebchikdren take sides and they keep using derogative terms towards their exes years after.

lizziebabe

It is hard but I never made my children 'take sides'. I never used them against him and made sure they saw him when they wanted and we set up a rota that they wanted. It was easier as they were older.

We both went to the children's events at school together, like Sports, Drama, Parents evenings and even their end of school Balls and Graduation ceremonies from Uni. It did surprise a lot of people but it was what was best for our children.

The children did well in their education and seem happy but I know that they have /had relationship problems. I don't think there is anything we could do about that. And now I will credit my ex :eek: the financial agreement has mostly been kept and I have been fortunate as I know a lot of others haven't been!

To return to the original question. I think subsequent marriages fail if the partners do not see where things went wrong before and try to change. If mistakes were made before, then any new relationship must work if both partners keep at the relationship and learn by their previous mistakes.

My ex is not solely to blame for the break up of our marriage as I was unhappy too! Only, I tried to talk about it whereas his way was to (s***) go off with someone else.

Mrs_Z

marisco wrote: »

Personally I would say there is little to no chance of an affair ever developing into anything meaningful. A relationship which starts with lies often ends with the truth, when the deceit and betrayal is discovered.

Those who are willing to cheat on their partners are totally untrustworthy and have no morals or values at all. They aren't good relationship type people. If they were they would value, love and respect their current partners. They wouldn't be the type that could go behind someones back and lie and betray without any conscience for what harm and devestation they could cause. I think when someone makes the cold and calculated decision to have an affair they simply seek a quick thrill and some excitement. Possibly being caught out is part of the stimulus for doing something so cheap and vile.
.

The above is rather black and white way of looking at things. In my opinion an affair is a symptom that all is not well in a marriage, otherwise you would not do it. My friend had an affair whilst married with someone at work who was also married with kids. They ended up leaving their partners and moving together. This is 5+ years ago and they are still together. I would never classify my friend as someone with no morals or totally untrustworthy. Neither do I think that she made a cold and calculated decision to have an affair. I believe the initial flame in her marriage had somewhat weaned off and suddenly someone else came along that she got on brilliantly and few months down the line it just happened.

It is hard for the kids, but it's life. It happens. We should not be overly judgemental about other people when we do not know the full facts about what goes on in their marriage.

Then there are, of course, the love rats - but they are a different breed altogether...

heartbreak_star

I am currently with the love of my life. Before we were together he was "the one that got away". We re-met for a drink as friends, got on well after 12 years of not seeing each other, and met for coffee a few times after that.

A drunken goodnight kiss after a while proved the spark was still there.

Would you call that an affair?

It was the kick up the backside I needed to get out of a relationship of over 10 years that was dragging both me and him down, but we couldn't seem to let go of.

Myself and my ex are both in happier places now. It's not always right, and I can't say I'm proud....but I CAN say I'm happy.

HBS x

Mojisola

Mrs_Z wrote: »

The above is rather black and white way of looking at things.

In my opinion an affair is a symptom that all is not well in a marriage, otherwise you would not do it.

In some cases that's true but there are also people - men and women - who just won't stay faithful while there are opportunities out there.

One of the happiest couples I know started out married to other people. Breaking up their own marriages went against everything they believe in and they fought against their feelings for each other for years before realising that staying with their spouses out of duty wasn't good for any of them. They didn't get together until after they had separated from their partners - maybe that makes a difference because there wasn't any cheating going on.

busiscoming2

My second marriage has lasted longer than my first, although my ex husband is now on his third wife. His second wife was the woman he was having an affair with when our marriage broke up and they lasted quite a while.

marisco_2

Mrs_Z wrote: »

The above is rather black and white way of looking at things. In my opinion an affair is a symptom that all is not well in a marriage, otherwise you would not do it.

To me it is very simple. If there are problems in a relationship a couple owe it to each other to try and work through them together. If after trying everything they cant resolve their differences, then they could consider counselling or make the painful decision to part. That would be a respectful way to treat each other.

Having an affair robs people of taking the opportunity to fix relationships they may have been in for a long time. It does nothing but add another mess to the equation and causes horrendous pain and upset to the partner that is cheated on.

catkins

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Interesting thread.

According to a report by the Marriage Foundation, 45% of first marriages end in divorce, while only 31% of second marriages fail. Source

They don't mention third or fourth marriages and not all second marriages will start out as affairs. However, I suspect that a fair proportion of them do.

I haven't got time to try and find statistics but I know I have read a few times that the percentage of second or third marriages failing is higher than first marriages.

Mrs_Z wrote: »

The above is rather black and white way of looking at things. In my opinion an affair is a symptom that all is not well in a marriage, otherwise you would not do it. My friend had an affair whilst married with someone at work who was also married with kids. They ended up leaving their partners and moving together. This is 5+ years ago and they are still together. I would never classify my friend as someone with no morals or totally untrustworthy. Neither do I think that she made a cold and calculated decision to have an affair. I believe the initial flame in her marriage had somewhat weaned off and suddenly someone else came along that she got on brilliantly and few months down the line it just happened.

It is hard for the kids, but it's life. It happens. We should not be overly judgemental about other people when we do not know the full facts about what goes on in their marriage.

Then there are, of course, the love rats - but they are a different breed altogether...

If things are really going wrong in a marriage and cannot be worked out then surely you should end the marriage? Certainly if you meet someone else before you end up in bed with them you should leave your partner.

I know we are all human and things happen but unless your partner doesn't have a problem with infidelity then I don't think you should be unfaithful.

I have been married over 30 years (first marriage) and of course we have been through rough patches. A couple of times we have questioned why we were still together because we were arguing (or rather bickering) a lot and neither of us was particularly happy. At least once I could have had an affair and probably the same is true of my husband BUT we didn't. No matter how unhappy I was with him I could never never do that to him. I know he would be distraught as would I if he did it to me. Plus I know I would not be able to sleep at night because of the guilt.

Both me and my husband believe strongly in marriage and in the vows we took. Luckily we worked through problems and now have a very happy marriage - not to say that we don't still argue and some days I feel like I could kill him!

londonTiger

I don't know but the once a cheat always a cheat, people do get into relationships that aren't right for them and they're unhappy with. Then they meet someone else through or or something and they have great chemistry and personality match. They are more suited? What does the person do? End 15 of marriage immediately on a hunch that this new person will b a better partner?

Sometimes a person cheats out of necessity as their current relationship has just become stale and have grown too far apart. They probably not be together any more and an affair kinda brings these issues to the limelight when it was brushed underthe carpet