Affair = Marriage and happiness?

catkins

lilymay1 wrote: »

Unless you've been in this situation, it's very easy to criticise. As someone else said, there are many factors that influence people to stray. Sadly we can't all be as perfect as a lot of the posters above....

It's not a matter of being perfect - it's a matter of having respect for your partner and having morals. I would never ever under any circumstances be unfaithful and I know my husband wouldn't either. We love each other but we also, more importantly, respect each other and would not treat the other that badly.

Marisco, your post is exactly how I feel

aileth

My FIL had an affair years ago (10+). He is still with the woman he had it with and they are incredibly happy and affectionate. I couldn't possibly see him doing it again. I think the majority of affairs are selfish and just disgraceful.

However, I do think there are some cases where you simply marry wrong, and then when you come across 'the one' it's very difficult, especially if you already have children. I, however, would always end the relationship first before embarking on another courtship as I think however painful it's respectful plain and simple.

marisco_2

lilymay1 wrote: »

Unless you've been in this situation, it's very easy to criticise. As someone else said, there are many factors that influence people to stray. Sadly we can't all be as perfect as a lot of the posters above....

This is an adult public forum. On any thread you are going to get people replying with perspectives from all angles, due to their own life experiences. There will be responses from people who have been cheated on and can fully comprehend how that feels, from others who have cheated and also from people who know of those in these situations.

I find it very interesting, when people such as yourself take obvious offense to others that hold different points of view, and feel the need to suggest that they think themselves as being perfect just for seeing things another way. I guess when you have been complicit in someone having an affair it doesn't sit well with you when people dont approve of those kind of actions.

I am glad that you feel you can trust your husband. Many would not be able to place that kind of faith in someone who has already proved they can cheat on another person. I question whether your view point might change if god forbid he decided to cheat on you.

cheepskate_2

I think they can be happy. They are both of the same ilk, so maybe a little bit of indescretion in their new relationship wont matter.

Of all the people who i have know where a partner has had an affair, they have always kept coming back(either asking to be taken back,or sexual relations) with the partner they have cheated on. When seemingly to the outside world they are "happy " in the new relationship.. The new partner i assume is either unaware of this or they do nothing about it as they want to be the winner of the new partner.

marisco_2

cheepskate wrote: »

Of all the people who i have know where a partner has had an affair, they have always kept coming back(either asking to be taken back,or sexual relations) with the partner they have cheated on.

My ex did this after having an affair. I refused point blank to take him back. The trust between us had been broken and I just didn't recognise him any more as the man I had once loved.

Thegirl

If you are married and meet someone else and fall head over heels for them then I can see that perhaps an affair could ensue and lead to a long term relationship. Personally, I would want to leave my spouse before embarking upon an affair. To me, keeping it in your/their pants until divorced is the least you owe someone you promised at one point to spend the rest of your life with (that is not meant to be judgey, just ideally what I would aim for-never having been in that position I cannot speak from any kind of experience as to how easy it would be). You will always meet lovely people whilst you are married who if you were single you might 'go for', I think it says more about your marriage at that point (to you-not necessarily your spouse) if you are willing to act upon any feelings you develop.

If you are married and cheat frequently then I don't know if you'll ever be faithful. Perhaps you will and you married the wrong person or for the wrong reasons and suddenly you meet the person of your dreams.

No idea, just how I view both sides.

My best example of it working was my ex-mother in law. She sat down on a plane next to a man, both of them married to other people, and said by the time the plane journey had ended she knew that they would both be spending the rest of their lives together. A brief affair ensued, followed by them leaving their partners, divorcing, marrying and spending a very happy 30 odd years together until his death separated them.

Gloomendoom

Interesting thread.

According to a report by the Marriage Foundation, 45% of first marriages end in divorce, while only 31% of second marriages fail. Source

They don't mention third or fourth marriages and not all second marriages
will start out as affairs. However, I suspect that a fair proportion of them do.

notanewuser

Many of my parents' old friends divorced because of affairs when we were teenagers and are still married to their mistresses 20+ years later.

A friend is desperately trying to save her marriage to a man who has been having an affair and can't decide which of them he wants.

justme111

shellsuit wrote: »

My Mum had an affair when she was with my Dad, and 20 years on, she's still with the bloke and they're very happy.

He left 2 small children (with his ex wife) to be with my Mum, something I will never understand, and doesn't have a relationship with them. One child resurfaced and told him he had a Grandchild, but he doesn't bother with them at all now.

How can you destroy so many lives like that and live like nothing has happened? I'd never be able to live with the guilt!

I was 17 at the time of the (nasty) split between my parents and went off the rails for a year or 2 and my Dad ended up getting sectioned because of very bad depression, but hey, Mum and him were happy so why should they have given a fig about the devastation they left behind?

Ok. What if she did not have affair but just left , would you blame her the same ? What if it was not about your parents which is personal and it is difficult for you to be objective but someone else ? Why do you put responsibility of how one feels on someone else ? What if a girl said no thanks to a guy and he went into a long depression , sectioned or whatever else not so nice , would
you blame the girl for it ? From what I seen it is not do much the fact of a breakup but how a parent who has been damped reacts that causes the damage. As they are hurt they turn spiteful manipulative and selfish.

lizziebabe

justme111 wrote: »

Ok. What if she did not have affair but just left , would you blame her the same ? What if it was not about your parents which is personal and it is difficult for you to be objective but someone else ? Why do you put responsibility of how one feels on someone else ? What if a girl said no thanks to a guy and he went into a long depression , sectioned or whatever else not so nice , would
you blame the girl for it ? From what I seen it is not do much the fact of a breakup but how a parent who has been damped reacts that causes the damage. As they are hurt they turn spiteful manipulative and selfish.

I was 'damped' or I think you mean 'dumped' but I have not turned 'spiteful manipulative or selfish'. Please don't automatically assume that we ex husbands/wives become like this. Yes, it was hurtful to have my marriage of 20 years broken by a cheat/liar and spiteful, manipulative and selfish man but that doesn't mean I became that way.