Theft by family member. In despair!

paulineb_2

CKhalvashi wrote: »

Simply tell her to leave.

Re the police action, dial 101 and make an official report, if that's the way you want to take it.



I have a bit more than that in cash, both at home, on my right now, and in the office; it's emergency cash, spending cash, and usually some company cash in a separate envelope.

£200 is not a lot to keep in cash, well, not for me anyway.

CK

Maybe it isnt, but do you want someone to steal it? Everything I have is in a bank account and I would suggest you do the same, particularly for your youngest child, otherwise you are just throwing away money

Yes you can report her to the police but without a confession from her and any witnesses to say she did it it might be very hard to get charges pressed

Also I wouldnt kick someone out on the street with nowhere to go if I thought they were using drugs, it would be the last resort, given that if you do call the police and put her out of the home, it might be the last contact you have with her in some time.

Ive worked in homeless units and ones that were very well furnished and we had a rule, if someone was using heroin they needed to be clean before they came to us, that didnt happen in practice, people still used as did other young people who had never used before. What Im saying is, in some hostels there will always be a drug issue and yes she might get assistance, but she also might very well end up in situations where more drugs are readily available to her.

The bottom line is, only she can make the decision to stop using drugs if she is, but if she does come clean and admit she does have a drug issue, at least you'll be one step forward as to knowing where you go from here.

Its totally your call, but if she stole that money some time ago and you didnt report her to the police when it went missing why are you thinking about doing it now?

andygb

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

People should be able to have any sums of money in their homes they like and be confident that it's safe from theft by a family member!

Your daughter is an absolute disgrace! How do you evict her? Give her seven days to make other arrangements or her possessions will be bagged up on the front doorstep and the locks changed. Then do it.

Go round to your local police station and inform them of what has happened. Tell them that you would like them to attend in seven days time as you fear a breach of the peace. I doubt they would be able to address the theft itself.

:beer:
Exactly, this is totally unacceptable behaviour from anyone, let alone an immediate family member.
It would seem that not only is she a thief, but she has an "attitude" problem as well by being defiant/indignant when confronted by her own wrongdoing.
If I was in the same situation then I agree, I would be going to the local police station, because it sounds as if she has had it far too easy up until now.
I would also be kicking her out of the house and getting the locks changed.

Treevo

Phone 101, report her theft and when the police come to arrest her, pack her bags and have the locks changed. When she arrives home, give her her stuff and tell her to find somewhere else to live.

Counting_Pennies_2

If she has money from other sources such as a job or benefits I would suggest she is attention seeking.

It is not being done in a nice way, but I would suggest if the small items have not been dealt with in a severe way that she is pushing the boundaries (unacceptably) to see how far she can push you.

Is she jealous of your son, has she been pushed out of your affections since he was born?

What she has done is not acceptable or excuseable, but I do think there is a broader issue here.

Person_one

Treevo wrote: »

Phone 101, report her theft and when the police come to arrest her, pack her bags and have the locks changed. When she arrives home, give her her stuff and tell her to find somewhere else to live.

I'm going to assume that the OP actually cares about her daughter though and doesn't want to wash her hands of her and abandon her to her fate.

Here's some info for parents worried that their child may be using drugs:

http://www.nidirect.gov.uk/drugs-and-your-child

paulineb_2

jj237 wrote: »

My daughter is nearly 20 years old. She doesn't pay rent or contribute to the household. She has been stealing small items and money from us for a long time but recently stole nearly £200 from our 4 year old sons savings money box which was hidden at the back of my wardrobe. I want her to move out but don't know how to go about this. I also want her to face some official police action regarding the theft as I am concerned that this is getting more serious and may be related to drug use. Can she be warned by the Police? Is there a unit I can talk to about my concerns? Any confrontation by me is met with indignation. I don't know what to do. How can I evict her?

Have you asked her to pay rent? Or make a contribution to the household? I agree with the person who posted why have you been letting her get away with stealing small items of money for a long time?

You have partly created this situation by doing nothing about the smaller thefts and I appreciate that it must have been a terrible shock to find out that the money was gone.

But as I said before, the police might have a hard job charging her with no clear evidence that she took it. But if they do arrest and charge her with theft and she ends up with a criminal conviction (and yes I know that would be her own fault), do you think that thats going to help her move herself forward in a positive way?

An alternative is to ask her to pay everything back, everything, not just the £200 that has been recently stolen and trying to get her some help for the drug issue.

And I bet you there were some times I put my mum through some heartache and worry, I never stole from her and Ive never been in trouble with the police.

But you've allowed her to carry on stealing and after a certain amount of time thats passed since this £200 was taken you are now going to report her to the police, change the locks and get on with your life without her?

Scrubbing someone from your life without as much as a backward glance might be more difficult to do than you think it might be.

Ask her to leave, ask her to find somewhere else to go, go to the housing with her and tell them you can no longer live together, try and find her a supported housing unit for young homeless people. Call the police if you want to.

But the very last thing I would ever be doing is changing the locks and dumping someone on the street at 20 years old, someone you know who is probably using. And it cant be easy for people who have kids who use drugs and sometimes theres no alternative to putting them out.

But you might find in years to come that if you actually support her to find a new place, you might be able to salvage whats left of your relationship. Kicking her out on the streets might make things completely break down and you might spend a significant part of your time wondering where she is, whether shes alive or dead.

You do need to think of other family members and yourself. But by not acting sooner, shes obviously thought shes got away with it so often.

And why would you have such large sums around the house when you already know you have a daughter who has been stealing from you?

You do what you can to protect yourself under those circumstances. Id also be trying to find out what drugs it is shes using and how bad her drug use is, before you ask her to go.

jj237

Wow, thanks for all the contributions. I'll try and answer some of your questions and assumptions.

securityguy wrote: »

Simply tell her to leave.

But, seriously, why had you got 200 quid in cash rather than in the bank?

I have recently been selling the baby things and putting the money away in a moneybox bit by bit in order to pay for things the younger ones need as they grow up. It was not on display on a shelf and she would have had to search through all of my things to get to it.

She has a very supportive step father and a lot of extended family. Perhaps this is the problem, she has too many people to bail her out when she needs them. She has not been brought up to think that this sort of behaviour is normal!

She works for a couple of weeks then gives up and somehow manages to find something else and lets them down too. She is charming when she wants to be but a complete nightmare the rest of the time.

Her friends are all pretty useless and anyone she likes that is half decent soon realises that she isn't the sort of person they want to hang out with anyway. It's a vicious circle.

I have always addressed the previous incidents of stealing and unreasonable behaviour and, having despaired about the situation for many years, I figured that providing the minimum of a roof over her head and food when she wants it and use of the washing machine etc was the best way to go. I do this to try and prevent her being forced into living with (dare I say it) people like her.

She has always been expected to pay rent and contribute but it is impossible to enforce this. How on earth do I get money from someone who spends it before she's earned it?

I am extremely concerned about how this is affecting the younger children's view of "normal family life". The 4 year old is already commenting on her unreasonable behaviour.

She has very low self esteem (masked by her arrogance), she thinks that counselling is a waste of time and her response to being confronted about taking things is "Well I needed it!"

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(

jj237

And just to clarify....I discovered the £200 had gone missing last night and haven't seen her since to talk to her about it. I do not ignore the incidents and will not let this go unchallenged!

jj237

We kept our bedroom locked for 4 years as we didn't trust her. We have only recently started leaving it unlocked. I thought we may have got past the stealing. There has to be some attempt to trust again at some point otherwise her attitude is along the lines of "Well if they think I'm going to ........., then I might as well do it!" I guess I was wrong.

Muscle750

Ask her if she's had it if she denies it and there is no possibility it can be anyone else call the plod in they won't do a lot without evidence and there won't be any if she admits it then ask what's she going to do about it if she kicks off then the plod won't do a lot you got to make stark choices thing is if she's done it once she may well go robbing elsewhere and get "rehoused" in a HM holidaycamp