Theft by family member. In despair!

*Robin*

I've read through this thread with a sense of foreboding.

This girl does not appear to be [STRIKE]ready[/STRIKE] mature enough to make a success of leaving home and living independently.

If OP kicks her DD out now, the girl is very likely to turn to her drug-using mates for sympathy & a comfy sofa - thereby increasing the chance of more grief before the girl works out a positive future (if she ever does; odds are that she'll be pregnant within the year, then claiming single-parent benefits, HA flat etc., at which point it becomes much harder to access education and escape the poverty trap).

OP; what interests, hobbies, talents does your daughter have?
Is there anything that - with support from you, step-Dad and hopefully, birth-Dad - could be developed into a career?

It's a good job OP and DD can talk openly; I hope this means OP can also listen without getting angry, as this is a good way to begin the hard talk which cannot be avoided (except by throwing DD out of OP's home).

This hard talk is the last chance scenario - which can be successful if OP finds the right incentive to motivate DD to change her behaviour.

A stick isn't effective without the carrot.

It might mean DD going to live somewhere else for a while, in order to undertake some kind of training to further her career - as well as remove her from the mates who aren't a great influence.

The other advantage of staying with her birth-Dad or another relative is that it gives the girl a clean slate - she's only nineteen; surely she deserves one last chance (after the hard talk)?

OP, unlike most other posters I think you're right to seek a way of helping your DD; she's too young to be a lost cause. Feel free to pm me if you wish; may have a couple of ideas that could help but would need a bit more detail in order to make suggestions.

Rxx

Rottensocks

She needs to get over the idea that JSA is degrading, and the only way to do that is for her to have a *real* need to go to work. Everything is too easy at the minute: free board and lodging. Want any additional money? - Just nick it.:(

I think she should now look to live independently, and perhaps this missing £200 is the catalyst for action. You don't have to hurl her on the street right now: you can give her 30 days notice like a real landlord, and tell her to keep the £200 she just nicked as part of the deposit she will need to get her own place.

gibson123

I would

1. Give her a cuddle, tell her I love her unconditionally
2. Tell her I cannot condone her behaviour any longer
3. Tell her that she has £200 to pay back in ten weeks ( either JSA or by working off the debt in kind)
4. Tell her if she fails to do this or steals again she has to leave your home.
5. Tell her I will also be there for her but cannot tolerate the stealing and drug use any more.
6. Tell her that is she repays this "debt" and behaves over the next 10 weeks that I will forgive and forget and that it will never be mentioned again.
7. I would stick to my guns and not back-slide or give any futher concessions.

Good luck

jellyhead

gibson123 wrote: »

I would

1. Give her a cuddle, tell her I love her unconditionally
2. Tell her I cannot condone her behaviour any longer
3. Tell her that she has £200 to pay back in ten weeks ( either JSA or by working off the debt in kind)
4. Tell her if she fails to do this or steals again she has to leave your home.
5. Tell her I will also be there for her but cannot tolerate the stealing and drug use any more.
6. Tell her that is she repays this "debt" and behaves over the next 10 weeks that I will forgive and forget and that it will never be mentioned again.
7. I would stick to my guns and not back-slide or give any futher concessions.

Good luck

I agree with this. Make it clear that she has choices, and it's for her to decide whether she's leaving in ten weeks (I'd have made it 6 or 8 to be honest) - she has the power over her own life and if she steals from you again, that's her making the choice to live elsewhere.

This way also makes her feel loved, and importantly Gibson's way gives her the chance of redemption by having her misdeeds forgiven and forgotten if she turns her life around from now on.

jellyhead

Also ... surely stealing is more degrading than claiming JSA? JSA is legal!

I don't know anyone on it, but I think jobseekers are given help with finding work, writing a CV, education and training, etc. which would probably give her a better chance of finding employment than simply doing 'nothing'.

embob74

I think it's time the daughter made a claim for JSA in order to have money to pay her own way. Board should be payable.
If nothing else being a claimant will ensure she has to job search.

4Chickens

If, when I was 19 years old, I had stolen £200 from my mother, I am fairly sure she would have given me the biggest smacking of my life and deservedly so.
However, when I was 19, I was living in a one bedroom flat with my boyfriend of 5 years and a full time job (and we have been married for 20 years now).

Why everyone thinks that this thieving mare is incapable of taking care of herself at 19 years old is beyond me.
Why everyone assumes that kicking her out means she is going to go down the wrong path is beyond me.
I have found that most people faced with tough choices, grow up and make the right choices, especially with support.

I have moved my 20yo son out of our home into a shared house because I couldn't stand living with him a minute longer. I pay his £375 pcm rent and then dock it weekly out of his wages (he is employed by me and his dad). So whatever he does with the remainder of his money is his problem but the rent gets paid and so he can't make himself homeless.
My husband was sceptical at first but I assured him that I wasn't kicking our son out, I was moving him out into supported living.
You may want to consider a variation on this solution if at all possible, it's working for us at the moment and long may it remain so.

I am sure you have been an excellent mother but now that your daughter is an adult you have very limited influence on the choices she makes. It is time to move her on with her life.
Best of luck with whatever you decide, I know it's a tough time for you.

preciousillusions

OP have you managed to sit down and talk to your daughter yet?