Theft by family member. In despair!

BitterAndTwisted

You have a number of choices:

One, that she cannot continue to live at home and contribute absolutely nothing to the household. Therefore, she gets a job, keeps it and pays you x a week for her keep plus x a week towards repaying the £200 she stole.

Two, you throw a wobbly about the £200 but do nothing else.

Three, you throw a wobbly about the £200 and threaten to kick her out.

Four, you throw a wobbly and pack her stuff.

Five, you pack up everything in her room and tell her you've stolen it and will put it all up on ebay to cover the two hundred quid and she leaves with what she's wearing. Now.

Six, do precisely what you've been doing up to now but fully expect her to take the gold fillings out of your teeth while you're asleep.

pmlindyloo

Why do you believe that she is using drugs? Have you any evidence of this?

From your other posts it seems that your daughter is on JSA. If this is still the case then it may not be stealing for drugs but just to fund a lifestyle similar to her friends.

I am not condoning this in any way whatsoever. If you have evidence that she is using drugs then use the link given for some advice.

Have you sat down and talked to her and spelt out the rules of living in the house? if you have tried this and she won't co-operate then I'm afraid that you may have no other option than to give her the short, sharp shock treatment and pack her things.

Is there no one else she could go and stay with? A family member/a close friend? Hopefully a spell on her own may bring her to her senses and bring her home with her 'tail between her legs'.

But the opposite might happen and she will lose her way.

If you can try to keep the lines of communication open if she leaves. Far better if this can be a supported and arranged move.

I have great sympathy for you and I am sure you have thought whether her possible behaviour stems from deeper issues within the family unit.

Have you helped her with looking for a job etc etc ? Do you spend time with her alone - shopping etc etc?

If you have tried all these things and she is being a totally unreasonable girl who will not listen/cooperate then it may be time to get very tough.

Janey7

Police are highly unlikely to take any sort of official action if your daughter does not admit to the theft, or if there is not sufficient evidence of her guilt (i.e. it's not sufficient evidence that she was living in the house at the time the money went missing).

As bad as the stealing is I am far more concerned about the possibility that she is stealing in order to feed a drug habit!

Before you chuck her out (and as long as you don't feel afraid to be in the same house as her), and if you haven't done so already, can you at least speak to your GP about your concerns about her health - or you could try Talk To Frank, they have a free helpline.

If she is indeed stealing to feed a drug habit, then once she is kicked out of the family home it is going to be more difficult to help her. So it is really worth reading up about drug use now and trying to get her some help before you are forced to take such a drastic step.

Tigsteroonie

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Five, you pack up everything in her room and tell her you've stolen it and will put it all up on ebay to cover the two hundred quid and she leaves with what she's wearing. Now.

I like this option! Seriously, does she own anything of value? I'd be confiscating it for sale to recoup the lost money.

nearlyrich

I haven't had such a bad experience with my own children but the "board" thing is part of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself. I fully supported my two through education, they had responsibility for their own money from secondary school age (spending money and school travel and dinner money) if they needed more they asked and if they had a good case they usually got it, either a loan or a gift depending on circumstances.

If you don't teach children about money and responsibility they don't suddenly wake up at 18 or 19 and start to know how to do these things.

Indignant or just bloody minded she is an adult, she needs to learn how to behave like one. If she lives in your house there are standards of behaviour expected and stealing is not acceptable.

I think you may be partly to blame for letting her get to 20 and thinks it's OK to just do whatever she wants to do. If you have had enough just tell her to go and change the locks as others have said. Alternatively you could have a serious talk with her and explain the rules clearly and calmly, tell her she needs to pay ££ each week for her keep plus ££ to pay back what she has stolen, no excuses if you don't see this from her she is out. No-one would want to share a house with a thief and a 20 year old behaving like a stroppy teen is not on.. you have to get tough.

jj237

No, she is not on JSA. Ironically she says "it's degrading to claim JSA".

She doesn't really have anything of much value (nothing worth selling anyway) and I have also avoided taking anything of hers as it feels like I am entering into a game of 'you take my stuff and I'll take yours'

She has seen the GP and spoken about drugs counselling but so far has not called the number she was given.

We are able to talk candidly to each other and I have always seen us has having a close relationship. She admits to taking marijuana but nothing stronger.

I have spoken to "Talk to Frank" and didn't feel it was very helpful to us.

I want her to find a good influence, job she likes and to take some pride in herself and her abilities. I don't WANT to throw her out. I just can't cope with this anymore.

nearlyrich

So you need to guide her and give her the rules for living in your home...if she is entitled to JSA she needs to claim it and give you a % of it, you decide how much. She is drifting into a no hope situation you cannot be complicit in letting that happen...and if she is smoking how is she paying for it?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

jj237 wrote: »

I want her to find a good influence, job she likes and to take some pride in herself and her abilities. I don't WANT to throw her out. I just can't cope with this anymore.

That would/should be you - however you have been enabling this behaviour for years. What do you think is going to happen? One day she wakes up and decides to be the ideal daughter you always wanted?

BitterAndTwisted

She's not claiming JSA because if she quit her last job she she probably isn't entitled to any. So now she's a liar as well as a thief.

It's time to read her the Riot Act and actually mean it. She's been getting a free ride from you and there don't seem to be any real consequences for her being a parasite on you and your family.

If the other family members are so very supportive make arrangements for her to go and stay with them. And have her bags packed for when she returns later today.

phill99

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I doubt they would be able to address the theft itself.

You are very wrong.

I had a brother in law living with me who stole my new credit card and PIN number and helped himself to £1200. After reporting it to my CC company, the only way I would get the money back was to have him arrested. So I went to the police, made a statement and the following day they arrested him. Because it was his first offence he was cautioned.

So the police can and will do a lot. Theft is theft. End of.