Theft by family member. In despair!

gravitytolls

Lola888 wrote: »

If you throw her out she'll end up living God knows where with God knows who, but if she stays she will keep stealing, taking drugs and she will keep hanging out with God knows who- Catch 22 situation.

I think a long hard talk, give her a final ultimatum. Tell her you know she's been stealing and if anything else goes missing she is out. If you find drugs or find out she is taking drugs, she's out. She needs to find a job and stick to it and pay rent regularly or again she is out.

Tough love and if that doesn't work she's old enough to look after herself she is no longer your legal responsibility.

Btw the police would really struggle to do anything with this theft as most people have said there is no way to prove it was her. Unless she admitted it there is no evidence even though you know there is no one else who could have taken it. I would start locking your room again and take any large amounts of cash to the bank.

Hope things work out for you

The fear of what might happen to him in a hostel was what delayed my actions for so long. On this very forum folk helped confirm my suspicions that it was all my fault for not taking action sooner, for letting him get away with it, for being too hard, too soft, too... it doesn't matter what.

The fact is some people just push and push and push, no matter what you do. As parents we make mistakes and many of us spend our lives mulling over every error and wishing we'd done things differently. Well we didn't, cos we were the one's there at the time, not anyone else or ourselves with a few more years of wisdom to aid us

OP don't you dare take any of the blame on yourself, all this 'you should've been harder, put your foot down sooner, made her go to the GP earlier' malarky. Hindsight is wonderful thing, pity we don't have it before we crock up.

The thing is you probably have made errors, who hasn't? But beating yourself up over them now won't change things, so you just need to ork out where you go from here.

I've shared a little of our story, it was !!!!!, I can tell you, I worried as much when he was in the hostel as when he was here, but he needed to know he couldn't do whatever he wanted without consequences beyond a rollicking. He's 23 now, and I'm glad to have my lovely boy back safe and sound. I hope one day you will come back and tell us a similar story.

thegirlintheattic

You should not have to put up with this. Kick her out and call the police.

I_try

Ok, my take on you post is that you feel that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't whether you evict her or not.

If you are still able to sit down and talk openly with her, as you previously mentioned that you could, I would be inclined to do the super nanny house rules approach. Sit down with her (ideally not at home go somewhere neutral as this can help reduce the tension and limit her just having a tantrum in response). Have pen and paper with you. Discuss the situation as it is currently. Tell her that her behaviour and actions to the family is disrespectful and unacceptable. Be calm and factual. Tell her what IS acceptable and write these things down ie do not take without asking (try not to word it as stealing as this may be confrontation rather than discussion) and whatever rules you expect her to live by in YOUR house. Make it absolutely clear that she is welcome to live there under these rules, however if she does not agree to them or at any point does not abide to each and every one of them then she has made the choice herself to not live there. It is HER responsibilty and HER choice.

If/when she breaks any of your rules you must follow through without any hesitation or apology. Make it clear that you will help her and give her support (not monetary) but she will only be able to return to live with you when she is prepared to respect her family and behave in an acceptable manner. She is responsible for the choices she makes and the consequences they bring.

Things from your posts that have stood out to think about for the list of rules may be:
Do not take anything without asking
Contribute to the household £X - either via wages or JSA, paid direct to you on the day of pay and no later.
Participate in the running of the household, whether it is cook a meal one night a week for the whole family or other household chore, so that she is encouraged to be more active in being part of the family.

This will not be easy but you are going to have to state her options and let her make the choice and deal the consequences of her actions whichever way she chooses to go as she is now an adult. You have to be strong and not waiver with no if's, but's or maybe's.

I'm sure there are going to be lots of people who will disagree with this approach but it is how I would deal with it. I have had to do this in different circumstances and I had tried everything I could think of already and this approach helped alot.

Counting_Pennies_2

marisco wrote: »

I could understand a young child playing up and vying for attention because it is jealous of a new babys' arrival into the family. Even then there are all kinds of ways you can reduce the impact and eliminate problems from occuring. 15 is way to old for that kind of carry on though. There is no excuse for stealing from family members in my book. All that would recieve is negative attention and a breakdown in trust and respect.

I think the issue goes back way beyond the 4 years ago.

A new man came into her life a long time before that, and one probably left her life a long time before then.

It is often said an incident that affects a child between the age of 7 and 12 can cause a huge amount of trouble for later on in life. A trauma at that age is often too big to deal with. So they bury it, look like they are carrying on with life and years later will manifest itself in different troublesome ways. You DD needs help. Counsellors are not necessarily the answer. There is therapy under hypnosis to try to get rid of the anger/masked arrogance. Group therapy (drug related) AA alternatives. Contact social services and ask for help for getting over drugs.

Before you wash your hands of this child, make sure you have done everything you can to understand what is making her this way

I think a major event or a combination of many has upset her mentally and she needs understanding, a firm hand and love to get her through this

geoffky

Molly41 wrote: »

Dont be ridiculous - your job is NEVER done as a parent.

Yes i understand this,That is why we have 40 years old children getting bailed out by mummy and daddy because prince or princess has done it again..
The sooner the chords are cut the better for all concerned...

Person_one

geoffky wrote: »

The sooner the chords are cut the better for all concerned...

I don't think surgery is the answer...

nearlyrich

geoffky wrote: »

Yes i understand this,That is why we have 40 years old children getting bailed out by mummy and daddy because prince or princess has done it again..
The sooner the chords are cut the better for all concerned...

I have two fully functioning adult children both living independently I am still their Mum and I would if necessary bail them out, as would my Mum with me until the day she died...

I though it was my job as a parent to teach them how to be responsible adults but if they need my help or advise I am there for them.;)

geoffky

nearlyrich wrote: »

I have two fully functioning adult children both living independently I am still their Mum and I would if necessary bail them out, as would my Mum with me until the day she died...

I though it was my job as a parent to teach them how to be responsible adults but if they need my help or advise I am there for them.;)

The above is just normal parenting..Bailing children out Time after time is irresponsible parenting as does no favors for the child..

I am about to let my eldest make a big mistake after pointing out her error for over a hour she wishes to go for the short term gratification instead of the long term gain and it will have a impact in a few years time...It was 15k for a wedding or 15k for a deposit on a house with no chance of saving it... Oh dear...:cool:

Callie22

geoffky wrote: »

I am about to let my eldest make a big mistake after pointing out her error for over a hour she wishes to go for the short term gratification instead of the long term gain and it will have a impact in a few years time...It was 15k for a wedding or 15k for a deposit on a house with no chance of saving it... Oh dear...:cool:

I had a cousin who did just that - except it ended up being £30k on a wedding. Less than three years later, they got divorced. The main reason for them splitting up was because they kept getting moved on in rented housing and the stress of it all ended the relationship *facepalm*

joeblack066

http://www.laurenslink.co.uk/