Theft by family member. In despair!

pimento

I started off by wondering how I would deal with this is it were my 20 year old son. I don't think I could throw him out and I expect if I did, he would just walk up the hill to his nan and granddad and they would take him in.

Then a bit downthread I saw that the OP has been having to lock her bedroom door for the past four years due to things being stolen and I changed my mind.

What did you do the first, second and twelfth time stuff was stolen, OP? Did she admit it was her? Deny it? What did you threaten to do? Did you actually do it?

I think I might have got my sone some psychatric help by this point because there's obviously something else going on (if it isn't a drug habit). If it's drugs then you don't have any choice, you have to give her the bum's rush.

Brighton_belle

pimento wrote: »

I think I might have got my son some psychatric help by this point because there's obviously something else going on

Trouble is, you can't make anyone take the help offered, just as the OP can't make her sign on or get a job.

I wonder if it a case of the only thing the OP can change with a 20 yr old is her own behaviour, and in this case that means giving her one month's notice to leave. She's 20 now, not 18 and perhaps will only change when totally in charge of her own life.
There are deeply ingrained habits in the dynamic between this young woman and her family and maybe she won't start to grow up til she has been made to cut the apron strings?

jess1974

I have 3 children and as much as i love them , i simply would not tolerate this, i would kick her out pronto, i also would not have her under my roof if she was using drugs....

pimento

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I wonder if it a case of the only thing the OP can change with a 20 yr old is her own behaviour, and in this case that means giving her one month's notice to leave. She's 20 now, not 18 and perhaps will only change when totally in charge of her own life.

Maybe not at 20 but four years ago when she was 16 she might have been able to.

I still think there's something else going on here. Maybe she resents the stepfather. Is real dad still around? Perhaps she could move in with him for a while.

BitterAndTwisted

phill99 wrote: »

You are very wrong.

I had a brother in law living with me who stole my new credit card and PIN number and helped himself to £1200. After reporting it to my CC company, the only way I would get the money back was to have him arrested. So I went to the police, made a statement and the following day they arrested him. Because it was his first offence he was cautioned.

So the police can and will do a lot. Theft is theft. End of.

You are not comparing like with like here. Stealing cash hidden in the house is a million miles away from taking someone else's credit-card and using it.

From the police's point of view there's no absolute proof that the cash was there to be stolen in the first place, and in the second place that it was the daughter who stole it. That is why I thought there could be little they police might be able do.

If you can't see the difference I suggest you have another think about it.

Brighton_belle

pimento wrote: »

Maybe not at 20 but four years ago when she was 16 she might have been able to.

Yes maybe, but I still think it hard to force that sort of treatment on a 16 yr old - she can't physically drag her to car, strap her in and deliver her. And even if she could of done this 4 years ago, or persuaded her to go willingly, the OP only has the here and now to deal with. The past is the past.
The DD thinks counselling is for losers I believe, so, not much can be done there.

Margaret54

Hi I am so sorry to read of the problems you are having. I did not want to just read and pass on by. Hope things are better for you soon. I can't offer any help sorry.

Errata

jj237 wrote: »

No, she is not on JSA. Ironically she says "it's degrading to claim JSA".

She doesn't really have anything of much value (nothing worth selling anyway) and I have also avoided taking anything of hers as it feels like I am entering into a game of 'you take my stuff and I'll take yours'

She has seen the GP and spoken about drugs counselling but so far has not called the number she was given.

We are able to talk candidly to each other and I have always seen us has having a close relationship. She admits to taking marijuana but nothing stronger.

I have spoken to "Talk to Frank" and didn't feel it was very helpful to us.

I want her to find a good influence, job she likes and to take some pride in herself and her abilities. I don't WANT to throw her out. I just can't cope with this anymore.

All the money she can lay her hands on is going on drugs, and if you think she's only smoking weed you're being very naive.
Nothing about her lifstyle, friends, employability, jobs, self esteem and thieving will change until she stops being a junkie.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the bald truth.

pimento

I've just re-read the original post. The daughter is 19, not 20 and her younger brother is four. Four years ago, she started stealing from her parents.

Could the daughter be jealous of the baby and be stealing to get attention?

I'd love to know the history of the last four years. Has the OP and her husband taken a united front? When she says the daughter is indignant, does that mean she's denying it? What sanctions has the OP been giving after the previous thefts?

Who is in the extended family? Can they offer some support?

barbiedoll

pimento wrote: »

I've just re-read the original post. The daughter is 19, not 20 and her younger brother is four. Four years ago, she started stealing from her parents.

Could the daughter be jealous of the baby and be stealing to get attention?

I'd love to know the history of the last four years. Has the OP and her husband taken a united front? When she says the daughter is indignant, does that mean she's denying it? What sanctions has the OP been giving after the previous thefts?

Who is in the extended family? Can they offer some support?

Yes, I thought this too. I suspect though, that the OP and her partner have bent over backwards to accommodate DD and she has taken advantage, started stealing for attention or whatever, has not faced any serious punishment, and has progressed to bigger and better quarry.

There's obviously a lot going on that we don't know about and let's be fair, kids from the most happy and comfortable homes still end up using drugs, but I'd put money on the fact that DD is a bit of a spoilt princess who thinks she's untouchable because she's been pandered to by her mum and stepdad for the last few years. She probably is jealous of little brother but most siblings are jealous of each other to a certain extent. The stealing should have been nipped in the bud years ago but I reckon OP was worried about alienating DD and so let it slide.

Horrible situation, I feel for OP, it's not an easy one to deal with.
Although I have to say, if I'd been caught stealing from my little sister (years younger than me, different dad etc) my mum would have bawled me out so loudly and for so long that I wouldn't have had a chance to display any kind of "attitude"!