People think we're much better off financially then we are..

Purleygirl

I suppose this might seem an odd one but here goes. We have three adult children and one teen at home. The older ones make a contribution from their holiday jobs when they're not at college, but it's a large household. We live on husband's state pension and another very small pension of his. We paid off our mortgage. We have a small cottage within our garden that we built with an inheritance and because we live in a "holiday" area rent it out during the summer. Although it's never fully booked. Other than that things are pretty tight. We live very frugally, furniture is ancient and battered, cooker on the blink, I won't go on as I'm sure many of you understand but we have to save for everything!

My point is, whenever we have friends/relatives over (at least once a month) and it is truly lovely to see them, we find that we're picking up from airports/ferry terminals, driving them around, filling the fridge in the holiday let, going without bookings to accommodate them. As it is we have friends arriving tomorrow, I was told they wouldn't hire a car as it was too expensive, I've been saving, honestly, for two months to prepare for their visit, I've got the petrol money put aside. Hubby has been putting food in freezer week by week to feed them. I really think, because we have paid off mortgage, because we have a holiday let, because we aren't in debt that people assume we're rolling in it. But it really is an anxious time for us as we have to save also to take people out and about. We tend to go halves if we're visiting a place of interest with the entrance fee, but it's always us who seems to pay for the coffees, teas etc. Last time we had friends over, I made picnics to keep the cost down when we went out which helped, but I got so low on petrol and had to ask one of my kids for money from their sat job to help out.

My kids have confirmed that people assume we're rolling in it!! So when our friends come over tomorrow, I want to be really happy to see them instead of feeling anxious as to how we're going to fund a whole week. I can't ask for a contribution, that's so embarrassing. But because we've had another inheritance recently, the assumption is that we've won the lottery. The money we're inheriting is going on college fees for the kids and a new oven! That's it, we're cleaned out! Any advice?

Person_one

If you can't afford to host people, stop inviting them so often!

fluffymuffy

I have a relative in a similar position. Their solution was to move themselves into the holiday let and rent out their house long term. This gives a steady income and reduces the number of friends/relatives coming to stay. The main house is let through an agency and this means it's much harder for relatives to drop in and demand to stay there and most hassle is taken care of.

Mr_Toad

This isn't just going to go away.

There's only one option and that's to tell people you simply can't afford to fund their visits. It might be embarrassing but how will they know if you don't. If you try hinting they might just think your mean rather than the truth.

Your location has a lot to do with it. I have a friend who lives in Cornwall in a lovely house overlooking the harbour of one of the lovely villages. They've always been plagued with 'friends' looking for a free week but after their children had grown and left and they had full time spare rooms it became an epidemic.

They didn't have a free week from April to October someone was permanently visiting and because they were 'on holiday' didn't help in any way.

They were in effect running a free hotel. After two years they put their foot down and said no more. It was the only way.

Dunroamin

Am I right in thinking you live outside the UK?

lippy1923

Are you sure they are good friends? I think it's a bludy cheek they expect to live off you and your family, while they stay.

I wouldn't dream of staying with friends for that long and not offering to pay a least half of the living expenses!

If they really are good friends then tell them. You might be suprised and they offer a tidy sum to help out.

Another option- Why don't you arrange to stay with them? See how much they would be willing to pay?

Rebecca01

Hello
I think a lot of us are guility of judging peoples finances wrongly at one time or another. For different reasons people think we are rolling in it to. This is not the case.

I find being honest with my close friends and relatives has helped. I explained our situation, and some soon realised. I know it never used to be the done thing to discuss finances but nowadays , since the recessions it appears , to me at least, more common.

You say its embarrasing, but so what. Its not nice you having to struggle just to pay for petrol, teas etc. it is actually quite rude of your guests. you are providing free accommodation , food etc its rude not to make a contribution. If it was me I would be paying for all trips out, tea coffee. I would also buy my own shopping if I was there for a week.
If they are true friends they will understand. You could even just casually mention your finances after a wine or two one night.
Say Oh we need a new oven, I am fed up of this one. However its going to take ages to save. Then just say we only have to live on a small pension. It may atleast get them thinking.

apesxx

When my friends goes to visit a friend down south they go do the shopping for the week once they arrive for the food and booze for the week and then split the bill down the middle, and they take it in turns on who's vehicle they take on a day out x

I think your probably to late for the friends that are arriving this week but in future if anyone asks to come and stay I would tell them before they book anything that they will need to hire a car/ contribute to petrol, and contribute to food/ booze for the week. And I certainly wouldn't be putting anything towards entrance fees to attractions. If they want to visit these places they need to pay themselves.

No wonder people want to come so often if there getting practically all inclusive once they arrive x true friends/ family will understand that times are getting difficult for everyone.

Callie22

People think you're rolling in it because you aren't doing anything to show them you're not! It's all very well to save face but not if you're beggaring yourself to do so. There's nothing wrong with expecting people to contribute to food and petrol if they're staying with you for free (as a guest I would be ashamed not to ...), and nor is there anything wrong with saying 'no' to family if you can get the holiday cottage filled with paying guests instead. I think you need to swallow your pride and explain that whilst you're happy people are visiting, they need to be making a bit more of a contribution. That way, you can enjoy the visit as much as everyone else.

elsien

Leave some bus timetables lying around and take your car off the road for a week?
Seriously, if I was visiting someone I wouldn't dream of being chauffeured around or having meals paid for. I think you need to start being more assertive, and make it clear before people come that they need to contribute. Not hiring a car because its too expensive, then you driving them is taking the !!!!.
Unless you want everyone to carry on assuming you're a moneybags, you have to find a way to let people know. And if they're staying in your holiday let why aren't they feeding themselves? Or inviting you for a meal, as well as visiting you?
Time to revisit those assumptions.

Errata

If you can't afford to invite people to stay with you then don't. If you don't want people to treat you like a doormat crossed with a skivvy then don't. If you can't afford to behave like lady of the manor then don't.