DH not on board with DMP

Savvy_Sue

sugarplum10 wrote: »

Do you think it would be wise to ask CAP to separate our DMP so i can get mine cleared sooner then it will just be DH who has a screwed file if he does not pull his weight.

I don't know any of the mechanics of a DMP, but if the loans or credit card debts are currently in joint names, it's vanishingly unlikely that you'd be able to change them to a single name.

The reason is that if you are 'jointly and severally' liable, then the bank can go after either of you if it's not paid off. If it's in just one name, they can't go after the other - so it's not in their interests to allow one of you off the hook.

For example, if you and your DH can't resolve your differences, and you ask him to leave, then even if you think of some of the debts as 'his', if he makes no efforts to repay them then they'll come after you IF they are in joint names.

Dunroamin

sugarplum10 wrote: »

Actually you are wrong, I believe marriage is for life and I will fight to make sure it is so, the amount of children i have is irrelevant, thats not what my concern is, i have not asked a single person on here what there opinion is on my children but people seem to keep commenting on it.
its not just this poster, yes we have debts and 6 kids (almost) but i cant backtrack and make either just go away, im certainly not getting rid of my children so the best i can do is get rid of the debt.
if you cant say something helpful then please dont bother to comment, thats not to this poster specifically but to anyone who feels the need to sarcasticly question the amount of children i have had with my husband!!
I am doing my best to clear this debt, i work bloody hard and do NOT claim income support and other such benefits. When i qualify from my nursing degree ill be hard pressed to claim even tax credits as i will have a very healthy salary, am i damn happy for it to be that way. I just wanted help with encouraging hubby to help me with the debts.
Thanks to everyone who has been helpful.
You are right, I need to sit down with him and explain explicitly that it is not acceptable to spend money like he is when i am struggling to pay off his debts.
I will have a long talk with him tonight when the kids are al in bed. :cool:

There's no great virtue in saying that you don't claim a benefit which you're not eligible for! On a nurse's salary you'll be eligible for quite a high amount of child tax credits, which I imagine that you already claim, particularly as I see on your other thread that you only plan to work part time.

I too believe that marriage is for life but I do think that you have far greater problems than just paying your husband's debts!

Good luck.

sugarplum10

Dunroamin wrote: »

There's no great virtue in saying that you don't claim a benefit which you're not eligible for! On a nurse's salary you'll be eligible for quite a high amount of child tax credits, which I imagine that you already claim.

I too believe that marriage is for life but I do think that you have far greater problems than just paying your husband's debts!

Good luck.

the point i am making is that i could just separate from him, go on benefits and claim my way through life, that is not what i am doing, i work very hard!!! That seems to be something you have bypassed to comment on but have focused on the amount of children that i have and how could i be so stupid??? do some people ever think before they post. like i said before, he has not always been this way, HE used to work full time and i happily took on ALL of the domestic responsability as i felt it was my job, now our positions have switched. Whatever problems you believe i have that is NOT what i asked for your opinion on, i asked specifically for help in my relationship regarding responability and debt, if i have 1 child or 20 it does not change that so you comment was pointless.
pray tell me how you stating that I have 'married a waste of space' is helpful, i am married, i am in this marriage for better or worse, how does your comment help me??? it does not.

Savvy_Sue

sugarplum10 wrote: »

like i said before, he has not always been this way, HE used to work full time and i happily took on ALL of the domestic responsability as i felt it was my job, now our positions have switched.

This is something I hadn't picked up on before: it may be that he feels disempowered by the role reversal, and he certainly sounds unwilling to pick up on all the domestic responsibility. He may feel that he's 'entitled' to carry on spending as if he was still working, as a 'reward' for doing 'your' job of childcare. If he's not fully bought into the grand plan which you're working towards, then you have a fair bit of work to do.

pinkshoes

sugarplum10 wrote: »

I am on shifts from next month as i work between the hospital and the community, he refuses to secure anything temporary as it means he will have to give it up when i switch back to shift work, thats how nursing degrees are and i cant change the work pattern like i could if i was an actual employee and not a student.

In which case, perhaps you should ALSO take some more responsibility for the debt, put your studying plans on hold, take a job with regular hours, then your husband takes a job with complimentary hours.

This needs to be a team effort, and would appear you being a student is perhaps a luxury you can't afford at the moment.

sugarplum10

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I don't know any of the mechanics of a DMP, but if the loans or credit card debts are currently in joint names, it's vanishingly unlikely that you'd be able to change them to a single name.

The reason is that if you are 'jointly and severally' liable, then the bank can go after either of you if it's not paid off. If it's in just one name, they can't go after the other - so it's not in their interests to allow one of you off the hook.

For example, if you and your DH can't resolve your differences, and you ask him to leave, then even if you think of some of the debts as 'his', if he makes no efforts to repay them then they'll come after you IF they are in joint names.

this is why i am so keen to get them all paid, when he was the one earning i didnt feel i could tell him what he could/ coulnt do with our finances but now i am earning it i feel the priority is paying off the money owed.
I think he was happy to let everything go statute barred, which some of it almost is but i WILL NOT HAVE THAT ON MY CONSCIENCE.
I am determind to pay it, i dont want this to be able to bite me in the bum in a few years and besides i have made first payments on it now so it will be another 6 years to be SB again.
Im gonna do this, thanks for all the helpful things people have said, Im gonna just get stuck in paying it off.
He has had a mortgage before with his ex wife which they basicly got nothing out of as it ended up in negative equity and they had so much debt when they separated that he still has lots of stuff remaining. Its unfortunate but its the way it is, Like i have said I cant change that now except to pay it off, be a frugal as possible till its all paid and at least know i did all i could to pay back all the money owed. I will start also giving him a weekly allowance for his stuff and when its gone its gone. If he spends it on crap and he has to go without football games and meeting his friends thats tough, he needs to learn there is not just a bottomless pit of money to spend. The kids and I have had to cut back so he will have to as well. .Maybe it will be the lesson he need to sort himself out
:cool:

Dunroamin

sugarplum10 wrote: »

the point i am making is that i could just separate from him, go on benefits and claim my way through life, that is not what i am doing, i work very hard!!! That seems to be something you have bypassed to comment on but have focused on the amount of children that i have and how could i be so stupid??? do some people ever think before they post. like i said before, he has not always been this way, HE used to work full time and i happily took on ALL of the domestic responsability as i felt it was my job, now our positions have switched. Whatever problems you believe i have that is NOT what i asked for your opinion on, i asked specifically for help in my relationship regarding responability and debt, if i have 1 child or 20 it does not change that so you comment was pointless.
pray tell me how you stating that I have 'married a waste of space' is helpful, i am married, i am in this marriage for better or worse, how does your comment help me??? it does not.

I'm very confused as, on earlier threads, you say that your ex is the father of your first 5 children. Don't you still get maintenance from him to support the children as he used to?

I think that it's relevant to comment on the situation when you say that your current husband does virtually nothing around the house as well as wrecking the finances as this seems to me to be part of the same problem.

ETA

Just seen that you actually married your ex last year - how confusing!

sugarplum10

pinkshoes wrote: »

In which case, perhaps you should ALSO take some more responsibility for the debt, put your studying plans on hold, take a job with regular hours, then your husband takes a job with complimentary hours.

This needs to be a team effort, and would appear you being a student is perhaps a luxury you can't afford at the moment.

the bursary i get from university to be a student nurse is £923 per month tax free
If i got a full time job I would not be able to earn more than this, the idea of completing this course is that i will be a qualified nurse at the end and be on a better salary, trust me a nursing degree is not a luxury, its full time hours on top of all your uni work.
This is something i have considered but the numbers come out the same.

sugarplum10

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

This is something I hadn't picked up on before: it may be that he feels disempowered by the role reversal, and he certainly sounds unwilling to pick up on all the domestic responsibility. He may feel that he's 'entitled' to carry on spending as if he was still working, as a 'reward' for doing 'your' job of childcare. If he's not fully bought into the grand plan which you're working towards, then you have a fair bit of work to do.

yup, this is what i think too, it must be hard for him to be under this role reversal.

sugarplum10

Dunroamin wrote: »

I'm very confused as, on earlier threads, you say that your ex is the father of your first 5 children. Don't you still get maintenance from him to support the children as he used to?

I think that it's relevant to comment on the situation when you say that your current husband does virtually nothing around the house as well as wrecking the finances as this seems to me to be part of the same problem.

no i dont get child support, csa have been chasing for a long time but he seems to get off of paying, I am tired of calling them for them to tell me he is unemployed and not claiming benefits, for the last 3 years he has not paid and I cant find him either. tHE KIDS ARE BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM. and so am i.