DH not on board with DMP

sugarplum10

DH and I have some debts to pay off (mostly from DH previous marriage) I pay £360 a month from my student bursary to these debts on a Debt management plan with CAP! I budget each week and write meal plans, but when i get home DH has eaten stuff for other meals and we have run out of bread and milk.There is £23,000 of debt all together!!:eek::eek::eek:
He has an allowance in the week for sundries and extra milk/bread/a coffee with friends/ toddler group but he keeps spending this on crap like a new phone cover and a key fob!!! Then moans he has no money to buy stuff and do stuff with the babies. Im getting so annoyed and im being so frugal and he is undoing what i am working hard for. He also gets money to play for 2 separate football teams which is £26 per month. I however do noting extra curricular. Im so fuming and i feel like saying fook it and just paying off my debt and leaving his to spiral after all is his life but, my credit will be trashed too as we are linked in marriage and i could never get a mortgage on my own.
He just does not care that this affects us all as a family, he just sees it as meaningless spending that does not hurt anyone, I have had my lightblub moment and want to make mine and the families life better.
Im so sad and I just wonna cry so much because i have worked really hard to be paying my debt off while he does not care!
grrrr
ive ranted all that out now i feel a little better.
:D

pinkshoes

Well done for having the rant!

Debt is actually one of the reasons that many marriages fail, as if you aren't singing from the same hymn sheet, it isn't going to work.

You MUST tell your husband how you feel.

Personally I wouldn't stand for this! In my eyes, it would be an ultimatum that he stuck to the plan, or I'd walk away.

Ultimately, he is deceiving you, and showing a complete lack of respect, and if he doesn't respect you, then what's the point of being together????

Talk to him, and make it VERY clear how you feel and what you want. Men can be dense and need it spelling out, so don't creep round the subject - just come out with it!

Pixiechic

Who does the family finances? You? If so, I would sit OH down with all the paperwork and say that we need to talk.

Let him know that you are doing your best to reduce the debt but that you don't feel that he is being supportive in this. Ask him if he sees a better way of working it out.

Maybe he is disassociated from the reality of the debt if he doesn't really have to deal with it. Seeing the income v outgoings might make him think.

**Patty**

You don't need to have your credit trashed by his debts. There's a way round that, even now you're married.


Can i ask.....why are you paying *his debts from a previous marriage* with your bursary?

Why is he not paying his own?

Bennifred

Does your OH have a job?

sugarplum10

no he has no job as he is a househusband and i am at uni full time studying nursing. his debts are credit cards loans etc that he had during his prev marriage and i have about 9,000 in debt in my name and as a couple with him.
he is well aware of our financial situation as we jointly entered the DMP with CAP.
Cap went through the SOA with a fine tooth comb and that is what set the budget that i get to play with each week/ month for all of our living expenses etc.
He does not work as he has our 2 babies in the day while i am at work/ uni and we have another baby due in august. I am returning to work/uni at the end of sept though as we cant afford for me to go on mat leave and risk him not being able to find work. This is our 6th child. ( some of my other are from my prev relationship).
Its not him not working that bothers me its his lack of co-operation for this plan to get us debt free and able to get a mortgage one day once i am qualified and graduated. This nursing degree is killing me, its full time hours plus all my uni work in the evening/ days off on top of trying to be debt free and manage all the kids!!

ERICS_MUM

I know it's very difficult with little ones but I think I'd be making plans to leave if necessary. One last push as described above and if that failed that would be it.

He clearly has no respect for you and your children although he probably would feel very hurt if you told him this. By the sound of it he is a serial money-waster if he brought debt with him from his previous marriage.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling, I do hope you can "turn him round".

Linda xx

Bennifred

I only asked as people tend to put more value on money if they have worked for it. He sounds very immature. What are his plans for the future - presumably he won't be a househusband forever?

sugarplum10

Bennifred wrote: »

I only asked as people tend to put more value on money if they have worked for it. He sounds very immature. What are his plans for the future - presumably he won't be a househusband forever?

. I feel so helpless right now!
no idea really what his plan are as he does not even know what hes gonna do tomorrow let alone in 2 years time., he is a qualified PCV driver so maybe a job in driving but, ideally i would like to go part time in the next 2 years so that i can have my turn spending time with the kids, i miss the so terrably when i am work but i refuse to rely on benefits. im not being snobby, i just want them to know that hard work pays and its not ok to just sit back and accept hand outs. Ive never not worked, even when i was at uni the first time i had a job so i didnt have to take out loans.
:cool:

Bennifred

I feel for you, sugarplum10
I don't really have any constructive advice for you, I'm sorry. You can't make someone into something they're not, but you can plan for what you will do taking the other person out of the equation. It depends on how much you are prepared to put up with, really.

**Patty**

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

I know it's very difficult with little ones but I think I'd be making plans to leave if necessary. One last push as described above and if that failed that would be it.

He clearly has no respect for you and your children although he probably would feel very hurt if you told him this. By the sound of it he is a serial money-waster if he brought debt with him from his previous marriage.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling, I do hope you can "turn him round".

Linda xx

Or his ex-wife is.

It's not always cut & dried.