DH not on board with DMP

Bennifred

Sounds to me like he's just a warm body for watching the children for when you aren't there. What is it about him that you love??
I definitely think some couples counselling is needed (he might take a kick up the proverbial better from an outsider) He needs to change his attitude and sharp, and that isn't likely while you let him get away with it.

Savvy_Sue

sugarplum10 wrote: »

its probably not ok and he probably does not feel the same way as me but Ill cross that hurdle when i come to it!!

The thing is, you may be better equipped to cross that hurdle together if HE knows it is a hurdle, and that the current situation is NOT OK.

sugarplum10 wrote: »

I am on shifts from next month as i work between the hospital and the community, he refuses to secure anything temporary as it means he will have to give it up when i switch back to shift work, thats how nursing degrees are and i cant change the work pattern like i could if i was an actual employee and not a student.

Now come on, read that again to yourself. He REFUSES to find anything TEMPORARY??? Because he will have to give it up? THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF TEMPING!

sugarplum10 wrote: »

I think we need some sort of relationship counceling (sp?)

I think it wouldn't hurt ... at the very very least you need to let him know, gently but firmly, that things are NOT OK, and that you would like to get some help to work through what's wrong.

Too often we wait until it's too late to get help, and the other person has no idea that there's anything much wrong.

Dovah_diva

Why on earth are you continuing to have kids when you've got so much debt, an unemployed husband and a full time Uni course? Talk about making your burden even heavier.

Dunroamin

sugarplum10 wrote: »

i think you have hit the nail on the head here.
this is exactly how he view our life. I am responsable for it all and he 'helps me'.
last night he did cook dinner for the kids as i was shatterd, he left all the dishes and plates out. i asked him to help me clear up as he was sat on facebook and his response was ' ive already helped you out by cooking the kids dinner, what more do you want from me???'
my resopnse was ' when you were working full time you would come home to a clean tidy house, all the kids ready for bed, reading/ homework done and your dinner just about done, you have it easy!'
it just escelated into an arguement and i dont have the energy to challenge it anymore.
I think we need some sort of relationship counceling (sp?)

You seem to have married a waste of space and I'm amazed you've had three children with him without finding this out.

Metranil_Vavin

Probably the reason he also has one ex-wife already

clearingout

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

Probably the reason he also has one ex-wife already

In the OP's position, I would be asking myself questions about why his first marriage really ended. I would hazard a guess it's not for the reasons her husband has told her.

cabbage

HI
on the debt side are you paying the DM company a fee every month? Are the interest and charges frozen? You could go to CAB/stepchange/payplan etc and get a free DMP which will then mean more money is going into paying off your debts.

As your credit rating is shot already would Bankruptcy or a DRO be more appropriate to get a fresh start?

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to?

Its shocking that he feels he is helping you with the kids but many men think this way, even my husband and he's a decent sort but perhaps of a different generation.

His attitude needs to change big time. If he can't pull his weight and get a temporary job in the evenings I would be tempted to say, sling your hook or at the very least just concentrate on clearing my own debts not his.

sugarplum10

Dunroamin wrote: »

You seem to have married a waste of space and I'm amazed you've had three children with him without finding this out.

Actually you are wrong, I believe marriage is for life and I will fight to make sure it is so, the amount of children i have is irrelevant, thats not what my concern is, i have not asked a single person on here what there opinion is on my children but people seem to keep commenting on it.
its not just this poster, yes we have debts and 6 kids (almost) but i cant backtrack and make either just go away, im certainly not getting rid of my children so the best i can do is get rid of the debt.
if you cant say something helpful then please dont bother to comment, thats not to this poster specifically but to anyone who feels the need to sarcasticly question the amount of children i have had with my husband!!
I am doing my best to clear this debt, i work bloody hard and do NOT claim income support and other such benefits. When i qualify from my nursing degree ill be hard pressed to claim even tax credits as i will have a very healthy salary, am i damn happy for it to be that way. I just wanted help with encouraging hubby to help me with the debts.
Thanks to everyone who has been helpful.
You are right, I need to sit down with him and explain explicitly that it is not acceptable to spend money like he is when i am struggling to pay off his debts.
I will have a long talk with him tonight when the kids are al in bed. :cool:

sugarplum10

cabbage wrote: »

HI
on the debt side are you paying the DM company a fee every month? Are the interest and charges frozen? You could go to CAB/stepchange/payplan etc and get a free DMP which will then mean more money is going into paying off your debts.

As your credit rating is shot already would Bankruptcy or a DRO be more appropriate to get a fresh start?

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to?

Its shocking that he feels he is helping you with the kids but many men think this way, even my husband and he's a decent sort but perhaps of a different generation.

His attitude needs to change big time. If he can't pull his weight and get a temporary job in the evenings I would be tempted to say, sling your hook or at the very least just concentrate on clearing my own debts not his.

our DMP is with CAP so there are no fees, after assessing our income through both cap and stepchange it came out that a DMP was the best option as my salary will be considerably better when i finish uni in 2 years.
my husband is a lot older than me so maybe you are right about the generational differences as im almost 20 years his junior.
I really dont want to go bankrupt, some of it is almost dropping off my credit file already as it is 4-5 years since default, hopefully if i keep paying i can have a clean file in about 8 years. I aim to be debt free in 4 years as i will pay ALL extra money i get through ebay etc into the debt till its gone.
Do you think it would be wise to ask CAP to separate our DMP so i can get mine cleared sooner then it will just be DH who has a screwed file if he does not pull his weight.

skintandscared_2

Are there any consequences to him spending money that should go on other things? Does he then have to go without the extra bread or milk? When he eats things earmarked for other meals, does he then miss those other meals? Unless his actions means he has to "go without", he will never learn/change.