DH not on board with DMP

**Patty**

This will sound harsh but i think you're dreaming.

£23k to pay off @ £360 a month will take 5 and a bit years.

For you to get a mortgage (assuming lending criteria doesn't change massively) you're then looking at another 6 years for everything to drop off your credit record.

That's almost 12 years and you still have 6 children to bring up.

Whilst i admire your commitment to digging your family out of this hole.......I think you need a good hard look at what's realistically achievable.

Savvy_Sue

sugarplum10 wrote: »

no idea really what his plan are as he does not even know what hes gonna do tomorrow let alone in 2 years time., he is a qualified PCV driver so maybe a job in driving but, ideally i would like to go part time in the next 2 years so that i can have my turn spending time with the kids, i miss the so terrably when i am work but i refuse to rely on benefits. im not being snobby, i just want them to know that hard work pays and its not ok to just sit back and accept hand outs. Ive never not worked, even when i was at uni the first time i had a job so i didnt have to take out loans.
:cool:

Do you think you and he see this the same way?

I'm not for one moment suggesting that being a househusband isn't hard work (although you do mention that you 'manage all the kids' alongside your nursing degree), but if he's happy to drift along without ambition and you're not ... is that OK?

pinkshoes

If you have chosen to have 3 children with that much debt, then he needs to take some financial responsibility too! He should be looking for evening work immediately starting from when you get home! Cleaning jobs, restaurants etc...

sugarplum10

**Patty** wrote: »

This will sound harsh but i think you're dreaming.

£23k to pay off @ £360 a month will take 5 and a bit years.

For you to get a mortgage (assuming lending criteria doesn't change massively) you're then looking at another 6 years for everything to drop off your credit record.

That's almost 12 years and you still have 6 children to bring up.

Whilst i admire your commitment to digging your family out of this hole.......I think you need a good hard look at what's realistically achievable.

all of these debts defaulted a long time ago and there are no ccj's yet so actually some of them are already about to drop off my credit file and same for OH, i will pay off more than £360 a month when i qualify so i am to get this cleared far quicker than the time stated. we are selling the car so that will pay a chunk off, we will do it I am determined to give my kids what they deserve!!!

sugarplum10

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Do you think you and he see this the same way?

I'm not for one moment suggesting that being a househusband isn't hard work (although you do mention that you 'manage all the kids' alongside your nursing degree), but if he's happy to drift along without ambition and you're not ... is that OK?

its probably not ok and he probably does not feel the same way as me but Ill cross that hurdle when i come to it!! one step at a time is all i can manage at the moment, its a slong to pay of the £360 a month at the moment considering im only, and on a student bursary but... I AM going to do this and be able to hold my head high at the end!!
i know that is stubborn but i am a very determined woman.

sugarplum10

pinkshoes wrote: »

If you have chosen to have 3 children with that much debt, then he needs to take some financial responsibility too! He should be looking for evening work immediately starting from when you get home! Cleaning jobs, restaurants etc...

I am on shifts from next month as i work between the hospital and the community, he refuses to secure anything temporary as it means he will have to give it up when i switch back to shift work, thats how nursing degrees are and i cant change the work pattern like i could if i was an actual employee and not a student.

Spendless

I totally appreciate about how hard it is for one parent to work round the other's shift patterns when you need childcare, especially if you have pre-school age children.

Often one partner is far better with and at managing money than the other. Have a chat to him and see what strategies you can come up with that will work. If he spends his allowance on a phone and that means he forfeits something with his mates, so be it. But separate this money from the household cash. meal plan and if he runs out of milk/bread etc he will have to improvise till next grocery shop.Buy some cartons of UHT milk, that can be used until your next shop and always keep some bread in the freezer, mini wraps if you're short of space. Tinned fruit too. That should help with 'we need food items'. Should also stop him using 'grocery money' on his self. Likewise I'd treat playgroup money in the same way, only accessible on the day it's on.

valk_scot

If he's the partner staying at home to look after the house and family, why do you say you're the one managing your six kids?

I'm the stay at home person here and I do everything in the house, all the childcare, all the finances, the DIY and all the random bits and bobs that running a house requires. My OH has a job with long hours and really when he walks in the house after work the most taxing thing he has to do is eat his meal. At the weekends and when he's on holiday it's different of course but I look on the house and family as my full time job same as he has his.

I do hope your OH isn't in the mindset of him just "helping" you ie the kids are your responsibility and he just helps. Sharing out the home responsibilities will change of course if he gets a part time job but if he's the house person, he should be taking full responsibility for the kids when you're on a work day imho. And the food, cooking, cleaning and all the rest. Do tell me he's not just sitting on his backside all day and letting you do this all, as well as paying off his debts? Because if he is you're far too good for him, missus.

sugarplum10

valk_scot wrote: »

If he's the partner staying at home to look after the house and family, why do you say you're the one managing your six kids?

I'm the stay at home person here and I do everything in the house, all the childcare, all the finances, the DIY and all the random bits and bobs that running a house requires. My OH has a job with long hours and really when he walks in the house after work the most taxing thing he has to do is eat his meal. At the weekends and when he's on holiday it's different of course but I look on the house and family as my full time job same as he has his.

I do hope your OH isn't in the mindset of him just "helping" you ie the kids are your responsibility and he just helps. Sharing out the home responsibilities will change of course if he gets a part time job but if he's the house person, he should be taking full responsibility for the kids when you're on a work day imho. And the food, cooking, cleaning and all the rest. Do tell me he's not just sitting on his backside all day and letting you do this all, as well as paying off his debts? Because if he is you're far too good for him, missus.

i think you have hit the nail on the head here.
this is exactly how he view our life. I am responsable for it all and he 'helps me'.
last night he did cook dinner for the kids as i was shatterd, he left all the dishes and plates out. i asked him to help me clear up as he was sat on facebook and his response was ' ive already helped you out by cooking the kids dinner, what more do you want from me???'
my resopnse was ' when you were working full time you would come home to a clean tidy house, all the kids ready for bed, reading/ homework done and your dinner just about done, you have it easy!'
it just escelated into an arguement and i dont have the energy to challenge it anymore.
I think we need some sort of relationship counceling (sp?)

DeeDee74

Sorry but reading your posts it sounds like hes a selfish youngster not the father of 6.
Hed happy to sit home doing as little as possible while u struggle bring in all the money and pay his debts he had before he met u.. thats justy plain wrong.