Visitor etiquette

TopQuark

I feel for you OP. I live abroad (Switzerland), so when I do come back to the UK to visit, I try to speak to as many people in advance of booking my time off work and flights etc. (especially if OH is with me as that means him taking time off too, putting cat in cattery etc.). On two occasions last year, I didn't see my sister and her partner as they were too 'busy' to come over to my parents, where I was staying (about 45 mins from where they live). My sister gave me a list of timeslots during my stay for when I could visit HER, which were unreasonable and inconvenient (bearing in mind I have no car or use of one when I'm in the UK, unlike her). I was quite upset that she seemingly had more 'important' things to do than to see her only sister who lives abroad. The situation also caused arguements with my parents as my Mum found a 101 excuses for my sister, whilst my Dad was annoyed with her behaviour.

Things all changed when her wedding plans went into full swing and she wanted me to come back to have dress fittings, for the hen party etc. She then realised that her previous actions had not made me inclined to accomodate her and as such, everything was done on my schedule (I was not prepared to put myself out any more than absolutely necessary). Although this made for somewhat tense atmosphere at times, I think that she got the message and since then (the wedding has passed now), has been much more accomodating.

A long-winded way of getting to my point which is, sometimes, people need a taste of their own medicine before they can see that they're being unreasonable! Good luck OP!

lostinrates

TopQuark wrote: »

I feel for you OP. I live abroad (Switzerland), so when I do come back to the UK to visit, I try to speak to as many people in advance of booking my time off work and flights etc. (especially if OH is with me as that means him taking time off too, putting cat in cattery etc.). On two occasions last year, I didn't see my sister and her partner as they were too 'busy' to come over to my parents, where I was staying (about 45 mins from where they live). My sister gave me a list of timeslots during my stay for when I could visit HER, which were unreasonable and inconvenient (bearing in mind I have no car or use of one when I'm in the UK, unlike her). I was quite upset that she seemingly had more 'important' things to do than to see her only sister who lives abroad. The situation also caused arguements with my parents as my Mum found a 101 excuses for my sister, whilst my Dad was annoyed with her behaviour.

Things all changed when her wedding plans went into full swing and she wanted me to come back to have dress fittings, for the hen party etc. She then realised that her previous actions had not made me inclined to accomodate her and as such, everything was done on my schedule (I was not prepared to put myself out any more than absolutely necessary). Although this made for somewhat tense atmosphere at times, I think that she got the message and since then (the wedding has passed now), has been much more accomodating.

A long-winded way of getting to my point which is, sometimes, people need a taste of their own medicine before they can see that they're being unreasonable! Good luck OP!

Sometimes people genuinely are too busy or unable. . A few times a year my sil is about an hour and a half from us, which we consider local . But it's still usually impossible to coordinate. We managed it for a day and night at Christmas. Her oh couldn't join her as she came to us ( its hard for me to get away from home often) and he is allergic to pet hair, or which we have plenty.


Similarly, dh's dad ip lives in another country. They try and meet up when he is over. But he has other social commitments during his short stays and dh has a demanding job. It happens or it doesn't.

Of course sometimes it causes bad feeling, but we've all made our choices about where and how we live and could change I suppose. Personally, I like my in laws best of all at a distance!

TopQuark

I take your point lostinrates, but I guess what I'm saying is that, if it were the other way around and it was her living abroad, I'd make sure that I was avaialble to see her, even if that meant cancelling recurring social events, taking unpaid time off work or whatever.

In fairness, I think part of it is down to her not appreciating the effort that goes into me coming home. She's not a big traveller and as such doesn't appreciate the effort in coordinating work and travel plans, packing, time spent getting to/from airports etc. At least I hope this is part of it anyway.

lostinrates

TopQuark wrote: »

I take your point lostinrates, but I guess what I'm saying is that, if it were the other way around and it was her living abroad, I'd make sure that I was avaialble to see her, even if that meant cancelling recurring social events, taking unpaid time off work or whatever.

In fairness, I think part of it is down to her not appreciating the effort that goes into me coming home. She's not a big traveller and as such doesn't appreciate the effort in coordinating work and travel plans, packing, time spent getting to/from airports etc. At least I hope this is part of it anyway.

But it's not just her. She has a commitment to her Oh (dh now?) and their jobs, friends etc etc.


I think just as she might not be a big traveller and understand your lifestyle, it might be you are missing some aspects for her.

It's just not always possible to 'make sure'. I know we cannot, I don't expect others to for us. It's lovely when it happens, of course.

TopQuark

lostinrates wrote: »

But it's not just her. She has a commitment to her Oh (dh now?) and their jobs, friends etc etc.

It's not just me, either though. I have an OH whose family lives in France, so we have commitments to family and friends in the UK and France, as well as to friends in Switzerland where we live.

Almost every time I come back I have to juggle my commitments to OH and his family (often I have to come back alone as it's difficult to synchronise both of us), to work (I work for a large, international organisation and travel fairly frequently for them) to our friends who themselves are from all over the globe and to my studies (I'm doing an MBA part-time). So I don't think I am missing anything, unless it relates to personal issues for her, which she tells me it doesn't. If you really want to do something/see someone, then in most circumstances, you can make it happen.

On the rare occasions that OH's family/friend events have clashed with mine, we have attended them separately, me to mine and him to his. It would be very easy for me to absorb myself in OH's 'side' to the exclusion of my own; they are geographically much closer to us and so easier to see (no planes required), they are French and we live in a French-speaking place, and there are more of them. I don't though and I do make sure that fly back as much as I can to see 'my side'. Meeting me 1/4 of the way doesn't seem to be asking that much, IMHO.

red_devil

at the end of the day if people want to see you they will. If they dont it says alot that they arent really bothered.

If the poster had said to her sister can you make a 45 min journey i have a million pounds waiting for you she would be there like a shot. It says alot.

lostinrates

TopQuark wrote: »

It's not just me, either though. I have an OH whose family lives in France, so we have commitments to family and friends in the UK and France, as well as to friends in Switzerland where we live.
pf course, that is understood. . It's difficult on both sides.
Almost every time I come back I have to juggle my commitments to OH and his family (often I have to come back alone as it's difficult to synchronise both of us), to work (I work for a large, international organisation and travel fairly frequently for them) [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]my dh works for a large international employer too,(often plans are cancelled be cause he has to travel on absolutely no notice, he has a packed bag in his office, notably two years ago he was 'relocated' with no notice on a Thursday for an indefinite time period (they couldn't tell him but didn't think it would exceed six months) with no option to come home and see me before going. It created a lot of issues with family and cancelled plans, mainly because of the undefined time period) and is away from him four nights a week. An example of how this impacts for us is that When we chose this lifestyle we did it on the proviso that for both of us we would put our weekends together as 'taking precident'. Because our home is out of London (or other major city) this means its inconvenient for his family to come to us, and because of my commitments here and health its often impossible for us to go to them. I absolutely understand that this causes them to doubt dh caring for them, but its not so, its just how we make things work for us. [/COLOR]to our friends who themselves are from all over the globe and you, like us probably find the days when everyone is around are all the same and create huge conflicts on diary! Sometimes something has to give!and to my studies (I'm doing an MBA part-time). So I don't think I am missing anything, unless it relates to personal issues for her, which she tells me it doesn't. If you really want to do something/see someone, then in most circumstances, you can make it happen. well....tbh we don't find this. We cannot do everything we want to. A lot of that is my health issues, but the rest is time Nd dh's work requirements,

On the rare occasions that OH's family/friend events have clashed with mine, we have attended them separately, me to mine and him to his. It would be very easy for me to absorb myself in OH's 'side' to the exclusion of my own; they are geographically much closer to us and so easier to see (no planes required), they are French and we live in a French-speaking place, and there are more of them. I don't though and I do make sure that fly back as much as I can to see 'my side'. Meeting me 1/4 of the way doesn't seem to be asking that much, IMHO.

Sadly, for us we have found dh is more involved with my parents than I am with his family. Like your partners mine are closer, and one of my parents lives with us. Our stance on separate things is fine during week time but not Friday to Monday, because its the only time we have together. This is hard on many things, but we feel it is the best option for us and our marriage.

That's the thing, every one has different home and work circumstances. If I lived with dh 7 days a week I think we would both feel the odd weekend away from each other would be perfectly great. Or if I were healthier and more mobile getting to things at weekends might be easier. We also have animals and a small rural business, both of which make leaving harder, something dh's family just do not understand, none of them being involved in any sort of commercial enterprise nor having pets, or the sort of hobbies we do! Also, they pretty much all work in such a way as to have fairly large amounts of time off or flexible working patterns, so the restriction of dh's however many days off a year and how so many of them are already used for things (our own business meetings, personal accountant, meetings about our house. Other fairly boring but necessary stuff) these days are precious and just seem to evaporate if we don't watch carefully!

As it is, my network here is pretty important to me.....and yes, I do often place them higher than seeing family...mine or his. People do have different priorities.


Anyway, I hope you are seeing more of your sister now she understands your point better and that your relationship is great .

balletshoes

red_devil wrote: »

at the end of the day if people want to see you they will. If they dont it says alot that they arent really bothered.

If the poster had said to her sister can you make a 45 min journey i have a million pounds waiting for you she would be there like a shot. It says alot.

As with lots of other things in life, i dont think its that black and white.

lostinrates

balletshoes wrote: »

As with lots of other things in life, i dont think its that black and white.

I agree, but of course people will shift more if the motivation is higher. I don't mean money, but times of ill health for a family member and support being needed to be offered, funerals, that sort of thing....

red_devil

balletshoes wrote: »

As with lots of other things in life, i dont think its that black and white.

it is, you know at the start of a relationship, when you want to see your partner, you do anything to be with them and if its a long distance relationship you are prepared to travel to be with them nothing stops you. you can apply that to anything. If you a real, passion, want and desire to see someone you will. What people dont do speaks alot.