Existing, not living (Life)

Savvy_Sue

ceebeeby wrote: »

No. He has no one. Only me and her (older dd is mostly out). He doesn't go out. He's never said its my fault, but he probably thinks it is.

But whatever he thinks, your DD is most definitely NOT responsible for his friendlessness and loneliness. And SHE needs to know that.

Again, another way to counter that is to say that OF COURSE she will be able to see her Dad whenever she likes, but that she shouldn't hold herself responsible for him. Remind her that soon enough she'll be off to Uni, and neither of you would want to limit her decisions there (even though I realise it's more normal to live at home for Uni in Scotland that it is for us sassenachs).

duckeggblue

How's your day going op?

vanessav

Hi Ceebeeby - even if you don't feel ready to change your situation yet - let us know you are OK. People will keep supporting you while you build up your resolve.

ceebeeby

Hi, sorry for being AWOL all day. I've been out with children since 8 this morning and had a lovely time. I think I wore them out, we came in about an hour ago, showered and are now all in bed at 8.40!
I've read all the replies and will respond tomorrow if that's okay.
Thanks for being there.

tayforth

Thanks for posting, have a good sleep tonight xxxx

ceebeeby

gizmo111 wrote: »

Seems you are now looking for an excuse not to leave.... As others have said if she doesn't come with you initially she will soo follow.

No, I promise I'm not - just looking for a way to make it happen.

It took me 18 years to leave (although to be fair their were much happier times for the first 13 years). I would be too worried to risk leaving her.

tayforth wrote: »

If you could leave without losing custody of your daughter, would you?

Yes - definitely

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

But whatever he thinks, your DD is most definitely NOT responsible for his friendlessness and loneliness. And SHE needs to know that.

Again, another way to counter that is to say that OF COURSE she will be able to see her Dad whenever she likes, but that she shouldn't hold herself responsible for him.

Yes - I've told her that. She also knows that I am not a grudge holder and that she would have unlimited contact with Dad including running her here, there and everywhere if necessary. I would also be very very careful not to inflict any of my negative thoughts about him on to her.

Unfortunately, he's incapable (or unwilling) of acting vice versa. If she were to live with him, she would be told constantly how bad I am, to the point where she would believe it, because it is less traumatic to agree with him, than to disagree.

ceebeeby

duckeggblue wrote: »

Your daughters had no experience of a happy life without his abuse in the house x

Fortunately she has. It was a relatively happy home until she got to about 12. He used to work away a lot, and (mostly) behaved when home.

paulineb wrote: »

And I understand that you dont want to be paying to support your own child particularly if you want her with you and you cant afford it.

I would give every penny I had to make sure she has a comfortable life-style, even if it meant me eating scraps for a year (I've worn those shoes too - I left home at 15). It's not about paying maintenance, or giving money to OH, without hesitation I would gladly do that if that were the right thing to do for her. I just don't think living with him is the best thing for her.

As only Mum can, I'm working on it

paulineb_2

I said what I said in the post you quoted above in response to this comment you made

2) if she stays with dad I have to maintain roof over her head. I can't afford to do two homes - so I stay here.

As I said, I understand. But I still dont think on reading what you are posting that you really know and you cant know, how living in an atmosphere like this may have affected your daughters.

It was ok until she was 12 and he mostly behaved when he was home, shes now 16 years old and if you have been trying to leave him all of your adult life, kids pick up on that, regardless of how you try and make the best of a bad situation.

Also when you say this

Unfortunately, he's incapable (or unwilling) of acting vice versa. If she were to live with him, she would be told constantly how bad I am, to the point where she would believe it, because it is less traumatic to agree with him, than to disagree.

Shes 16 years old, shes seen enough surely to realise who is the person driving the bad moods and anger in your house.

No, living with him probably isnt the best thing for her, but by staying you are living like this, she is living like this and so is your other daughter.

If shes not unsafe being left with him, you can leave, tell her where you are going and as other people have said, I am quite sure once the novelty wore off, living with someone as toxic as him, she wouldnt want to stay there long term anyway.

Shes your daughter, you love her and want the best for her, I absolutely understand this, but shes being manipulated to get you to stay even though she sees what you are being put through and how miserable you are.

If that were me, I would want what was best for the person who was suffering and I have been in that situation personally.

ceebeeby

Hi everyone,

Just checking in. So sorry for the long gaps, I'm having massive stress / break-down issues at the moment which means my head is all over the place. I've never had anything like this before, so this, on top of the PTSD has sent me to the rocking chair in the corner - far away from anyone and everyone.

Just to say, I'm still focussed on getting out, bit more done with that.
OH has been well-behaved since the last time I posted (I think last week - I forget).

So I'm still here, and thank you.

spirit

Is there anyone you can call on for support locally? If not I would suggest you contact the Samaritans since I know they helped Tayforth.

(((hugs)))