Existing, not living (Life)

vanessav

Hi Ceebeeby. If you stay until your younger daughter leaves home, she will continue to have the option of blaming you for the discord and terrible atmosphere. By 'deflecting', you are making yourself the sponge for all the abuse. And it is often easier for those witnessing abuse to blame the victim because sympathising with them is too dangerous. You have a truly horrible dilemma, but I agree with Pauline. If you leave and your daughter stays, she will not have you to blame when her father turns nasty. She will quickly see things more clearly and if you are nearby and offering her total support and her own room in your house, there is a good chance of things healing better than ever between you. You could separate but not actually divorce until the dust settles on your girl's position. I don't want to nag, but please take professional advice. Very, very good wishes to you.

gizmo111

3) DD would never go to women's aid - so I have to stay

Womens Aid do so much more than just offer safe housing/refuges. Seems you are now looking for an excuse not to leave. Plenty of good advice on this thread, you think you are putting your daughter first by staying, wheras by leaving you would give her the opportunity to live a peaceful safe life where her emotional needs are met. As others have said if she doesn't come with you initially she will soo follow.

paulineb_2

You dont have to go to a refuge, you can get support from womens aid or other domestic violence projects and find accommodation elsewhere.

Im actually really concerned that the OP could easily spend the next 4 or 5 years in this situation.

Its always harder to see things clearly when we are living in a horrible toxic situation. We make excuses for people, our confidence gets chipped away at and it makes it harder to get out.

But what favours are you doing if you stay? Yourself, your daughters and your ex partner? This is abuse pure and simple. This isnt a situation that looks as if it can be resolved. Everyone in this situation is suffering some kind of abuse.

I wonder if your daughters went for counselling without the rest of the family there, how would they vocalise what their life is like and yes, there might still be loyalty to the dad no matter how horrible he is, hes their father.

But I would wonder how emotionally scared these young girls are going to be and if they stay in this for a few more years, they are going to be young adults.

This isnt your fault, but right now you are doing nothing to help yourself. If you just lie down and accept this mess without even making some efforts to get financial advice, support, counselling, you are just resigning yourself to years more of the same.

And Im afraid in a years time if you are still unhappy and coming online or talking to anyone outside about how awful your life is, people are going to think, why isnt she doing anything to change it?

Theres no magic wands, theres no process by which you can get out smoothly and without a bit of heartache or being more skint than you are just now.

But anything has got to be better than spending your life with someone who is mentally cruel and abusive and walking on eggshells all the time.

Knowing you are being abused is one thing, taking steps to try and get out is what you need to do unless you want to steel yourself for 4 or 5 years more of the same.

tayforth

ceebeeby, I am appalled by your ex's behaviour, and I agree with the others - having finally lost control of you, he is now trying to manipulate your daughter. And he is succeeding.

This is a terrible situation. You don't want to leave, but if you stay he will do further damage to all of you. No wonder you're feeling low.


If you could leave without losing custody of your daughter, would you?

System

If you stay because of your youngest child, you can guarantee you will be still there when she is the age of your eldest child, possibly longer. Do you want to live another 4 years or so like this?

You need to get out but also, giving your daughter/s the option of staying with you if they want to.

fudgecat

You are in toxic relationship. Either this is abusive (it certainly sounds like it to many of us reading this thread), or it is mutually damaging - either way you need out of it.
Your children will either go in the opposite direction with their own relationships - determinedly seeking out polar opposites of their parents relationships types, or they will be imprinted with the view of a "normal " family that they have grown up with. This is the most dangerous model as your daughter may see controlling and abusive behaviour as normal male behaviour. There seems to be some evidence that she has already been groomed to take your place as an emotional crutch and possible victim. This is both tragic and hazardous.
For no other reason than this, you should not hesitate to get your self and daughter out of this situation - you do, in fact, have many other reasons to do this.
The danger is that inertia and the odd "good day" will keep you there. This happened to my mother and it destroyed her. It affected me, but made me aggressively feminist on her behalf and I have raised both my daughters to be this way as well. Probably a pendulum swing too far in my case, but the daughters seem well adjusted. My sister was not so lucky.
Act now for your own sake and your daughter.

busiscoming2

Has your OH always been this nasty to his DD, shouting and swearing at her?

If he hasn't always been like this then she must have noticed the change and will probably understand more readily the link between his behaviour and the fact you (and the kids) want out. You really should have a proper discussion with her, push it a bit, she is old enough to be able to say how she REALLY feels and should feel safe enough telling you.
I can understand her believing she is responsible for not leaving her dad on his own. He is just using emotional tactics to make her stay with him.

Have you discussed the reality of here living day to day with him or that it would be perfectly feasible for her to live part time with each of you?

As a mum I completely understand the pull of doing the right thing for your children but sometimes you can't see the wood for trees.

duckeggblue

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Has your OH always been this nasty to his DD, shouting and swearing at her?

If he hasn't always been like this then she must have noticed the change and will probably understand more readily the link between his behaviour and the fact you (and the kids) want out. You really should have a proper discussion with her, push it a bit, she is old enough to be able to say how she REALLY feels and should feel safe enough telling you.
I can understand her believing she is responsible for not leaving her dad on his own. He is just using emotional tactics to make her stay with him.

Have you discussed the reality of here living day to day with him or that it would be perfectly feasible for her to live part time with each of you?

As a mum I completely understand the pull of doing the right thing for your children but sometimes you can't see the wood for trees.

But, he's manipulating her daughter, and it seems he's quite an expert. Those of us who were in an abusive relationship as adults and didn't realize it was happening while we were in it suspect that he's telling her how she should feel..and making her feel guilty, poor girl. The father has convinced her he's the victim.

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

ceebeeby, I am appalled by your ex's behaviour, and I agree with the others - having finally lost control of you, he is now trying to manipulate your daughter. And he is succeeding.

This is a terrible situation. You don't want to leave, but if you stay he will do further damage to all of you. No wonder you're feeling low.


If you could leave without losing custody of your daughter, would you?

I dont think custody is going to be an issue, in its true sense really, shes 16

I can totally understand why it would be a wrench to leave the girl, but this is emotional blackmail and manipulation at its worst really.

gizmo111

paulineb wrote: »

I dont think custody is going to be an issue, in its true sense really, shes 16

I can totally understand why it would be a wrench to leave the girl, but this is emotional blackmail and manipulation at its worst really.

Residenecy would not be an issue - the 16 year old girl would choose.