Existing, not living (Life)

gizmo111

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I think - I don't know for sure, haven't been in this situation before - I'd go for a "Well, obviously Dad says he'll be lonely, but I'm not sure you're responsible for that, are you?"

Does he have no friends, no life atm? Is that your fault too?

And this as well. .good advice

ceebeeby

tayforth wrote: »

How old is she again?

Do you suspect that he's planted all these thoughts in her head? Because that's what I think.

(((Hugs)))

Yes. But I don't know where or when.

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I think - I don't know for sure, haven't been in this situation before - I'd go for a "Well, obviously Dad says he'll be lonely, but I'm not sure you're responsible for that, are you?"

Does he have no friends, no life atm? Is that your fault too?

No. He has no one. Only me and her (older dd is mostly out). He doesn't go out. He's never said its my fault, but he probably thinks it is.

ceebeeby

gizmo111 wrote: »

ONLY YOU CAN HELP THEM. Stop worrying about about sofas and sharing costs - get out, rent somewhere and deal with the rest in due course.

1) I would never leave her
2) if she stays with dad I have to maintain roof over her head. I can't afford to do two homes - so I stay here.
3) DD would never go to women's aid - so I have to stay
4) he shouts and swears at her too, but I deflect it - I would never leave her alone with that. It's taken me 18 years to get the strength to leave, why would I sacrifice her for my own happiness.

When she told me, I smiled and said I wasn't very happy about that, she needed stability for school, friends, pets as well as herself. She was the most important person to get right in all of this. I loved her and we'd talk more soon.

duckeggblue

ceebeeby wrote: »

just a quick post as he's "going off on one" tonight. Just been reminded that I'm still a fat ugly sxxt.

I basically ignored him and let him rant about my uselessness for 5 minutes without making any response, and now he's gone away and left me in peace.

Reminder to self - dont ask him for ANYTHING, regardless of who or what it's for!!

No, I haven't had any legal advice yet. Ready for flames now! Until you've walked in these constantly hurting / painful shoes, you won't get why not.

Off to eat a cake now, to prove him right!

So proud of you, when I see this comment about " you won't get why not", I realise you are truly starting to understand the abuse , if not yet, the level of domestic abuse you have been suffering. So well done you! Some point soon, if your kids are still at school, I believe it's well worth mentioning to the school whats happening, so they can support them, and keep an eye on them.((((hugs)))) .try to think about getting legal advice soon though xx
You can now observe that she is being manipulated, in the way you have

duckeggblue

Your daughters had no experience of a happy life without his abuse in the house x

paulineb_2

ceebeeby wrote: »

1) I would never leave her
2) if she stays with dad I have to maintain roof over her head. I can't afford to do two homes - so I stay here.
3) DD would never go to women's aid - so I have to stay
4) he shouts and swears at her too, but I deflect it - I would never leave her alone with that. It's taken me 18 years to get the strength to leave, why would I sacrifice her for my own happiness.

When she told me, I smiled and said I wasn't very happy about that, she needed stability for school, friends, pets as well as herself. She was the most important person to get right in all of this. I loved her and we'd talk more soon.

Sorry, but the way I see this is you are being manipulated to stay by your ex partner putting ideas into the youngest daughters head that she cant leave him. I really hope you can see that.

You dont deflect the shouting and swearing, its still happening, she is being abused as well. My view is if she stayed behind with dad the novelty would very soon wear off.

Its taken you 18 years to get the strength to leave and now you arent leaving. But you are still suffering. Your daughters are suffering, you are suffering and you are basically back to square one, staying, because you dont want the upheaval of moving out.

And I absolutely understand that, but right now you are living a life where your ex is calling the shots and you are being abused day in and day out and so are your daughters.

And the minute she says, I cant go with you, you change your mind about trying to get out? Shes 16 years old. Shes not a child. She could be married with a family in a few years herself.
And I understand that you dont want to be paying to support your own child particularly if you want her with you and you cant afford it.

But for goodness sake get some legal advice about all the specifics of this before you make a snap decision and say no, you are staying put. If she stayed with you 2 or 3 nights a week you wouldnt have to pay out the same amout. Its also means tested, you cant be expected to pay what you dont have.

If I were living in a house 24/7 with someone who shouted and swore at me and I was 16 years old and had somewhere else to go, I wouldnt stay.

Hes manipulating you into staying and hes using your daughter to get you to stay. Either your daughters want out of this horrible toxic situation or they dont. I know if I had the choice to live in an environment where it was stress free or horribly stressful Id choose the former.

And I also think you need to consider the effect that this decision might have on you and your daughters relationship, if you are changing your decision to make her happy. Because she isnt happy anyway, if you stay unless theres a dramatic change in your ex partners behaviour, all 3 of you are just going to be abused verbally day in and day out until the youngest leaves home.

I seriously think you need to get some professional advice/counselling from womens aid or a domestic violence unit, because this is just another attempt at control and hes involving a young adult to get his way. And that is quite frightening given that shes 16 years old and being used like this by him.

Mojisola

ceebeeby wrote: »

I was out with youngest DD tonight in the car and we were having a lovely chat - and she says "you know I can't come nd live with you don't you - dad would be way too lonely. You would make new friends, go on dates. Dad won't have anyone. I'll still see you all the time. But I have to live with dad"

I actually don't think I can survive this. I wanted us to be free. But together.

If I hadn't made a move before now - this would have me running for the hills!

He knows he's losing his grip on you so he has transferred the pressure onto your daughter. The longer you leave it, the stronger his control over her. He will use her to keep control over you.

She won't be able to see the relationship for what it is - that kind of controlling relationship is normal for her because that's what she's seen at home for years.

duckeggblue

Mojisola wrote: »

If I hadn't made a move before now - this would have me running for the hills!

He knows he's losing his grip on you so he has transferred the pressure onto your daughter. The longer you leave it, the stronger his control over her. He will use her to keep control over you.

She won't be able to see the relationship for what it is - that kind of controlling relationship is normal for her because that's what she's seen at home for years.

Yes, ceebeeby this is what is happening.

tesuhoha

Personally, I think you should leave, withdraw the financial support from your husband and set up a home with room for your daughter. Let her stay with him. The next time he shouts at her and its not deflected by you, she will leave the house like a shot and come running to you. Its the only chance you have of both being free of him.

I think you are so deep within the situation that you cannot see the true reality of what's going on and your daughter is being damaged by it. If she's 16 she might in a year or so decide to move out as she's sick of all the rows then you will be left alone with him. Would you like that?

paulineb_2

tesuhoha wrote: »

Personally, I think you should leave, withdraw the financial support from your husband and set up a home with room for your daughter. Let her stay with him. The next time he shouts at her and its not deflected by you, she will leave the house like a shot and come running to you. Its the only chance you have of both being free of him.

I think you are so deep within the situation that you cannot see the true reality of what's going on and your daughter is being damaged by it. If she's 16 she might in a year or so decide to move out as she's sick of all the rows then you will be left alone with him. Would you like that?

Spot on. I also think that in time if you do stay, you and your daughters relationship might break down over the decision you've just made.

You dont want to stay, you dont want to be there, but you are being manipulated into staying because of his games and you are talking about staying for friends, schools and pets?

Ask yourself, what upsides to the three of you have in this situation? What fun or joy do you have in your daily life?
You are becoming desensitised to all of this because its your normality and reality for you. Its not normal. People should not need to live like this. Stop making excuses as to why you need to stay, you dont need to stay. Get away from this man and make a life of your own and worry about who is going to stay with him later. Because as the above poster says, your daughter could up and off in a year or so anyway and you are stuck there. You are doing yourself no favours staying to protect her. You arent protecting her, shes being abused, you are being abused.

And no, I havent walked a mile in your shoes but I grew up in a home where I saw my mum subjected to violence and emotional cruelty for two years and it was the happiest day of my life when her second husband left.

I cant imagine what its like living with a bully and an abuser all your life. And unless you actually take some steps to get away from this man, thats what your daughters have been living with their entire lives.

I think you all need a lot of support and counselling and soon, because this isnt a life anyone should be living.

Money does not matter, as long as you get by, every day you spend in this horrible toxic situation is a day you'll never get back.