Worst Dating Experience?

MrsDrink

OV - I haven't replied to you before although I have read your threads.

I think the fact that you've opened up to this other girl is commendable. You've allowed her to make an informed decision about putting time and effort into you. But I think that you (and some other posters) are way over analysing your 'relationship' rather than just letting whatever happen naturally. (I appreciate that's hard when you're a deep thinker/responding to a thread on the internet.) But I think you should just try to live in the moment and have a bit of fun together. Become friends first and enjoy time together.

My background: (And I'm not writing this to give false hope, more to add weight to the 'having fun', taking one day at a time, living in the moment, and all the other cliched arguments).
I met my ex while I was in the 6th form and we went out for around 2 years. He dumped me in the summer in between my 1st and 2nd year at university. As he was my first real boyfriend I was devastated, proper wallowing, the works. Then my boss at the time told me I needed to get out and persuaded another girl to take me clubbing. Well I had a whale of a time. Ha!! 3 weeks after he broke up with me I met MrD. And it really was just a bit of fun. Not only had I just come out of a relationship, but he was a home town boy, and in 2 months time I was going back to Uni 250 miles away, so we never entered our 'relationship' for anything serious. We just had fun together. (And I don't mean sex - it was well after I'd gone back to uni before that happened). It was a great summer, and when the time came for me to go back to Uni he chose to stay in touch. Last year, 13 years after we met, we got married. What started out as something fun to do during the summer holidays became something a lot more deep and meaningful.

I don't think there is a time limit to getting back in the saddle so to speak. I definitely wasn't ready for a serious relationship 3 weeks after my ex dumped me. But I was ready to have some fun. I think if you enter things so both parties have the same expectations (having fun together) I don't think you can go far wrong.

marisco_2

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

WELL. I'm gonna be honest and more than lilely open myself up for some criticism but there you go. I told her in person on Sunday, (she came round cos I just wanted a chat) that I knew in my heart of hearts I wasn't ready for dating and that it wouldn't be fair of me to even consider doing it as I didn't want to mess her around etc.

I said I would like to be friends and she was really understanding and thanked me for being considerate and open. I said I was currently watching Dexter (I borrowed the boxset off a friend, awesome program by the way) and she said she'd like to stay and watch it with me for a while.

Anyway, about 2 episodes in and we're rather snug for a friendship. Practically cuddling and she was stroking my back. I'm struggling with this, there is obviously chemistry and we get on so well. Feel like I've known her for ages, but I know it's unfair and I shouldn't be letting that happen!:(

I am not going to criticise you. Since you met this woman you have been completely honest with her and with yourself and that is to be commended. I think you need to relax and just see where things go Orlando. You seem to be at odds with your feelings and unsure of how to handle things. That is not unusual when you have just come out of a long term relationship and start getting to know others.

I would agree with you that snuggling up on the sofa and watching movies with someone is more of an intimacy than friendship thing. My advice is set subtle boundaries that allow you to feel comfy and enjoy spending time with this woman. That will enable you to get to know her and decide where things go next, without worrying about getting involved when you aren't ready to. Something that has obviously caused you concern. When there are mixed messages from either side it has the potential to cause misunderstandings and problems. Go with the flow and do what you feel is best for you.

Orlando_Virgin

Thanks all for your replies.

And Mrs D you are absolutely right, my worst habit is over analysing/thinking everything and 2nd guessing scenarios. I think I'll continue to spend time with her anyway, as mates, and if something happens naturally then so be it!

Just trying not to ruin her feelings that's all, in fairness I've said my piece now!

Nottoobadyet

Love this thread!

Orlando, I also think you should give it a go at trying to make it work with the new girl. You've been honest, if shes still around hopefully its because you care about each other.

In April 2011 I split with a boyfriend of 6 years - my entire adult life. I was totally shattered and didnt know how Id make it without him. I moved into a shared house (I moved abroad at the same time), and my new flatmate was in the midst of a very dramatic split from an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive girlfriend. We made a pretty sorry pair on the rebound.

But we got together within a few months and 2 years later we're very happy that we did. Just go at the pace you're comfortable with and if she's patient it might just be perfect.

SandC

I would also go with the flow Orlando, if you continue to be quite intimate in a cuddling on the sofa kind of way you will be giving out mixed messages. There's nothing wrong with seeing how it goes but sticking with the 'we're just friends' line is confusing for us women if you continue to be tactile.

Hope that makes sense? I just remember back to a time when I was with someone who acted like we were together but talked about it differently..... it ended up being his get out clause 'well we were never in a relationship'....... also of course my fault for going along with it.

I also think that even if someone has split up from a long term relationship very recently it doesn't mean they are not ready to meet other people.... if the relationship has been over in their minds a long time before actually cutting the ties.

Good luck with it and just play it by ear and enjoy it!

miss_independent

Hope no one minds me bumping this. Ah having a lot of fun re-reading this thread! I've sat and laughed out loud and thank goodness its made me feel a little less nervous about my own first date this weekend. I just hope I don't have to come back on here and post an experience of my own!

Hope things are going ok with you Orlando_Virgin and that you are managing to keep things the way you want it. Its not easy this dating lark!

Bazey

miss_independent wrote: »

Hope no one minds me bumping this. Ah having a lot of fun re-reading this thread! I've sat and laughed out loud and thank goodness its made me feel a little less nervous about my own first date this weekend. I just hope I don't have to come back on here and post an experience of my own!

Hope things are going ok with you Orlando_Virgin and that you are managing to keep things the way you want it. Its not easy this dating lark!

Good luck on your date...

emmaglet

Hey Orlando, how are things? I've enjoyed this thread very much!

I met my bf at a very bad time for him. He had been through a traumatic break up, but I hung around. We managed, how shall I put it, a friendly beneficial situation for some time before I sat him down and confessed that actually, despite my best efforts, I loved him. It took him another few months to realise that yep, he loves me. Yay, good times. It was SO hard for me though, but I could tell from the gestures like back rubs, etc that he had feelings for me. I stuck around until he was able to let me in, and I don't seem to have messed him up too much................................................

Orlando_Virgin

emmaglet wrote: »

Hey Orlando, how are things? I've enjoyed this thread very much!

I met my bf at a very bad time for him. He had been through a traumatic break up, but I hung around. We managed, how shall I put it, a friendly beneficial situation for some time before I sat him down and confessed that actually, despite my best efforts, I loved him. It took him another few months to realise that yep, he loves me. Yay, good times. It was SO hard for me though, but I could tell from the gestures like back rubs, etc that he had feelings for me. I stuck around until he was able to let me in, and I don't seem to have messed him up too much................................................

I have had a VERY eventful 4 weeks.

First of all, the girl that I was trying to be open and honest with etc. got a job in Aberdeen as an accountant and has now moved up there full time for at least a 12 month contract! So that kind of got solved for me!!

Now it gets interesting. On Friday I was at home after work to hear a knock on the door. I live in a very remote village so a knock on the door other than the milk lady is a very rare occurrence! I got to the door to find my ex-girlfriend there in floods of tears saying she missed me, had made a mistake, thought she would be happier on her own, but has done nothing but think of me since we broke up.

She said the break has made her realise how much she loves me and she can't bear to be without me.

Obviously this has massively rattled me and I asked her to give me some thinking time to take it all in. She is coming round tomorrow night to talk about it all. I've got to be honest I still love this girl massively, but obviously I am not convinced that this isn't just a phase she is going through and how can she know all this just 3 months on from where she wanted to go travelling on her own.

She is now saying she would like to do this and other stuff together, whatever it takes. VERY CONFUSED!

miss_independent

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

I have had a VERY eventful 4 weeks.

First of all, the girl that I was trying to be open and honest with etc. got a job in Aberdeen as an accountant and has now moved up there full time for at least a 12 month contract! So that kind of got solved for me!!

Now it gets interesting. On Friday I was at home after work to hear a knock on the door. I live in a very remote village so a knock on the door other than the milk lady is a very rare occurrence! I got to the door to find my ex-girlfriend there in floods of tears saying she missed me, had made a mistake, thought she would be happier on her own, but has done nothing but think of me since we broke up.

She said the break has made her realise how much she loves me and she can't bear to be without me.

Obviously this has massively rattled me and I asked her to give me some thinking time to take it all in. She is coming round tomorrow night to talk about it all. I've got to be honest I still love this girl massively, but obviously I am not convinced that this isn't just a phase she is going through and how can she know all this just 3 months on from where she wanted to go travelling on her own.

She is now saying she would like to do this and other stuff together, whatever it takes. VERY CONFUSED!

Oh dear...it's very difficult this relationship lark isn't it? I think I speak for a lot of us on here Orlando when I say it has always come across on the boards that you are a lovely, decent guy and I really hope it all works out for you. Obviously it's not easy because I know you found the break up so hard and it seemed like you were getting to an ok place with it mentally. I'm sure you're worried about getting back together again and getting hurt but also dealing with the fact that you still love her and want it to work out?

I seem to remember that a few of us said on your thread about the break up, that if it's meant to be you will find your way back to each other. I really believe that and I also believe that you always end up with the person you were meant for. The fact that the other girl upped sticks to Aberdeen could be seen as proof of that! It will all work out for the best, whatever you decide. It's a win win situation.

Wishing you lots of luck over the next few days.